Cant afford my wife anymore

homeaway

I have not read the whole post just the first and last page so i apolgise if this has already been said. I stayed at home while my kids were small and feel very lucky, but in order to do that we did not have expensive holidays or expensive treats it was just not possible on one salary. I had to change my shopping habits and could not buy everything that i wanted. I did a lot of things that were free with the kids like taking picnics, walks, etc... it helped that i had a friend who was in the same position. You can have fun without spending a fortune you just have to be resourceful.I now work part time which could be a solution for your wife so that she is still there for your little girl or perhaps she could find a job that she could do from home. It is hard to admit that you cannot afford the facials, expensive holidays etc but you have to be realistic. Your wife has a role in this and hard decisions have to be made. As an old saying goes you cannot have your cake and eat it. I have friends who in these trying times have found ways to have facials, leg waxes etc by finding people who work from home rather than going to the salon. I really wish you all the best and hope that together you can find a way through this. If you look on the old style board you will find lots of helpful hints about saving money.

sallymander

Its been said before but well done Enabler, you are now on the yellow brick road to sorting your debt :j and you have already over come some of the toughest hurdles.

There is one thing that worries me though ....... as Our Lord Martin says if you are spending more than you earn (by about £1500 i think) you need to cut back, which Im sure you are aware off and don't need to be told again .

But there are Painless ways of doing this (i.e. getting the same things but cheaper so that your lifestyle doesn't change, ie insurance) which I think is perhaps what your wife is expecting.

Then there are painfull ways to cut back (ie doing without something, treatments, gym, car even) but im not sure that even this will help you clear the debt (certainly not any time soon)

So the only other way is to increase your income, obviously your wife is in the best position to make the biggest contribution in this area. There are lots of ways around it, not just her going back to work, but it took both of you to get into this debt and will certainly take both of you to clear it. It may take her a while to see this, but she may prefer to help increase the income than allowing you child to go without (ie toys and trips).

Your wife sounds like a lovely person and she obviously feels very strongly about the welfare and upbringing of your child, but the biggest factor effecting your child (certainly once she is at school) will be the fact that she has a roof over her head, food on the table and two healthy loving parents, and until your wife takes (some more realistic and practical) responsibility for the situation all three may be at risk, because I think your mental health will definitely be effected by this situation.

From some of your answers Im not sure you wife knows the full damage or at least has come to terms with it, it may now require shock tactics like a Snowball (found at whatsthecost.com - sorry don't know how to post a link) this will not only show how much you owe, but how long it will take to pay it off, and how much you will pay in total for what you have borrowed (the scarriest figure by far). However it may just take her time to come to terms with the issue.

With regards to having another baby, this is a decision only and your wife can make.

I hope it all goes well with the in laws, but if you do decide to borrow from them make sure your lifestyle also changes otherwise you will only find yourselves back in the same situation.

Lastly, I think its a great testament to how much you love your wife that you want to go on providing for her, but it just may not be possible in the short term. Its a painfull journey to becoming debt free but the more you can shift now the shorter the journey will be.

I wish you all the best for the future and please stick around because one of the best things about being a DFW (debt free wannabe) is that we can share in each others bad times but then the good times. :j

Sally x

SUESMITH_2

yep, we felt strongly about me not working whilst our chldren were at home, unfortunately we had to overcome them so we could keep the house and not go bankrupt - principles are great when you have the money to support them

cte1111

Can I suggest, to avoid the women hating contributors, you change the title of the thread? If you were my husband and I discovered you'd started a thread with such a disrespectful title, I would be absolutely devastated.

Perhaps 'I can't afford my lifestyle' would be a more accurate title.

Best of luck with working on your debt.

RobertoMoir

cte1111 wrote: »

Can I suggest, to avoid the women hating contributors, you change the title of the thread? If you were my husband and I discovered you'd started a thread with such a disrespectful title, I would be absolutely devastated.

Perhaps 'I can't afford my lifestyle' would be a more accurate title.

Best of luck with working on your debt.

Or better still "We can't afford our lifestyle". At the risk of sounding like a stuck record, it's something they both need to share the blame for and something they need to work together to fix. And I think its important they both remember that.

Welshwoofs

enabler wrote: »

She just doesn't want to work whilst we have a young child and feels strongly about this. I love my wife and would never force her to get a job - if we didn't have a child things would be different, she's not lazy or work shy in the slightest. I guess there are other things that can 'give' before she'll consider the working option and I'm happy with that for now. Hell, I'd be happy if she just cut back on her spending.

Sorry Op, but your wife's Utopian attitude to child-rearing is not going to get you out of debt.

Here is the reality:

1. You can't afford the child you have, let alone another
2. She can't afford to sit around being the suburban equivalent to Nigella Lawson, she needs to get off her backside, get a job and help you get the debts down

The sooner she comes to terms with these two points, the quicker you can sort out the mess you're both in. Her burying her head and thinking she's going to be the perfect stay at home Mum whilst you sort out the financials just won't work.

Aless

Hi Enabler

I have been reading the thread and, I hope you don't mind me saying but one theme from your posts is that you are trying to take the responsibility for everything. That is simply too much for you to bear by yourself. Marriage is a partnership and you cannot sort this out by yourself. This point also ties into telling your in laws, if you are going to make lifestyle changes then they will have to know, and so what. If they know what your job is, that your wife does not work, that you have a big house, it is not surprising that you can't afford to do everything.

As part of this you need to get your wife involved in the responsibility for the money and budgets. She may (or may not) find it boring but if you have to go through and set the budgets for it with her, and this is because of your (as a family's income), I cannot see how she cannot cut her cloth accordingly. As other posters have said she is not a child and she may shine in stepping up to the mark. She may never be as keen at moneysaving as you, as that is often the case in relationships, but you have a real and pressing need to take drastic and immediate action. It will be hard, maybe boring and you two will have some low patches but in reality that is part of life, more so than spending on beauty treatments.

Everybody needs to spend a bit on treats which they value, whether it be beauty treatments, gadgets or whatever so you can't expect her to cut back completely forever but you really need to take long term and drastic action.

Re the second baby the timing really depends on age, but even you do have another one she still needs to get a job. Sorry but this is unavoidable. You seem to have been a little worried she might leave you but it is her debt too and if she left she would need to find somebody else to support her. I am a woman and if I had children I would go back to work after only a short period of time off. There are many reasons for this but one of them is that I think it is very dangerous for a woman to be financial dependent on a man. My take is if you want to leave, if you have no money you have no route to leave. If something happens to your husband how are you going to survive. Some people may not agree with this but I am just saying this as it is the other side of the coin to what your thoughts might be. Other reasons are that it would not be fair to put the stress of being the only provider on to my husband, he would like to give up work as much as me, so why should I? Also I like my house and it is very expensive (not because it is flash but because of where we live).

The sad reality is that life is hard for most people and the idea that you can live a life that you want without hard graft for it is a throwback to the '80s and just a dream. I earn substantially more than you and my husband earns more than me and I have my hair cut twice a year for £30 and have had one beauty treatment in my entire life. If the important thing for your wife is staying at home with your child then she will have to live a very frugal life style. However, due to the current debt levels she must get at least a part time job for one year. Sorry this is real life.

WendysWorld

basmic wrote: »

Welcome to 'Single mother Britain':- http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1254164/Single-mother-Britain-Three-women-explain-babies-dont-need-father.html

Rather sums up the attitude of your wife, TBH.

Oh !!!!!! don't tell me anyone actually believes the crap this miserable excuse for a paper puts out?
It's the worst of all the stupid tabloids - because it thinks it's a serious newspaper.

Sorry for the rant but I really hate this kind of cheap, tatty journalism.

"My point was, which I've probably gone about the wrong of putting it, that I can't help but feel there are far too many woman who feel they should sit at home while the rest of the universe owes them a living.

I am not saying every mother is like this. But I can't help get that "I'll spread my legs, you will support me for the rest of my life" feeling from some women these days.

OP, I am not saying your missus is like this. But I certainly get the impression that she is a lady of leisure, using the kid/s as an excuse to stop at home. Funny how she wants another one... ."

Bit of a bitter boy are we? This is an extremely nasty generalisation and your remarks don't show you in a particularly good light. Obviously you spend too much time reading (and believing!) the Daily Panic.
It is actually better for children if a parent can stay and home rather than paying for someone else to look after them. In fact it was rare for our parents generation to have both parents working - so are you calling our housewife mothers freeloading wasters?

The_Moog_2

Hi enabler - I've just read all of this thread - ooft!

Is there any way your wife could work from home? Even if it was just putting all those hours making cards with your daughter to good use and starting her own card making business. Or putting her love of makeup to good use and training as a Virgin Vie consultant (do they still do that?) and hosting makeup parties at your house/going out to other people's houses a couple of evenings a week.

alfiecat

i am quite shocked by some of the comments on here. Generally i find people to be helpful and supportive. All i can tell you enabler is a little of my story. After years of overspending - despite earning an ok wage i fessed up to my oh about my debts. he went mad with me at first but then when he had calmed down has been very supportive in helping me organise my finances. I did my own SOA and have been sticking to a budget and really controlling my money. Maybe your wife could join in some of the challenges i am enjoying such as no new toiletries until used up stuff and the clothes challenge. she might like me find it quite fun - and this from someone who thought they were born to shop!