Cant afford my wife anymore

finnigan

Hi Enabler,
May I recommend a book? It's the Economy Gastronomy cookbook, the authors talk about food planning and using up leftovers. You said your wife likes to cook, this may help give her some ideas. She could probably pick it up at the library next time she is in with your little one (and your little one probably loves helping Mummy cook!).
I know it won't solve all your problems but it could be a start in the right direction re reducing the ammount spent on food.

I also want to wish the three of you the best of luck, I am also a sahm, as such, one of my jobs is keep as much of DHs wage in the bank for as long as possible. Your wife might like a similar challenge?

QueenBeruthiel

Presumably the child will start school in September? That will be a major change. In the meantime, she(?) is entitled to 12.5 hours of free nursery provision per week:

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Preschooldevelopmentandlearning/NurseriesPlaygroupsReceptionClasses/DG_10016103

Aside from anything else, this will help the kiddie to prepare for school.

basmic

I apologise to all I have offended - as usual I have tried to make a point, and offended everybody in the process.

My ultimate point was, I feel there are perhaps too many women only too willing to have kids and either split with the father and claim CSA, or live at home spending the wages. This what I mean when I said the article reminded me of the OP's wife.

Once again, my apologies. I can take onboard your wife's principles of being there for her kids. If the truth be known, she is probably a caring lady hence wanting to be with her children.

But she does really need to stop spending your money, unless she is prepared to work for it. Fine, she might feel she deserves it for looking after the kids at home - but this is her decision, and she is driving the household's finances into the ground!

I don't see myself as a womaniser. Perhaps narrow and single minded and a person who too easily generalises is the better way of putting things. This is my own fault, and this thread alone has taught me a precious lesson - don't discriminate people at face value.

Finally - my apologies to all offended. I shall now decist in any more posts in this thread - at least until I think about what I post.

Over and out.

WendysWorld

basmic wrote: »

I apologise to all I have offended - as usual I have tried to make a point, and offended everybody in the process.

My ultimate point was, I feel there are perhaps too many women only too willing to have kids and either split with the father and claim CSA, or live at home spending the wages. This what I mean when I said the article reminded me of the OP's wife.

Once again, my apologies. I can take onboard your wife's principles of being there for her kids. If the truth be known, she is probably a caring lady hence wanting to be with her children.

But she does really need to stop spending your money, unless she is prepared to work for it. Fine, she might feel she deserves it for looking after the kids at home - but this is her decision, and she is driving the household's finances into the ground!

I don't see myself as a womaniser. Perhaps narrow and single minded and a person who too easily generalises is the better way of putting things. This is my own fault, and this thread alone has taught me a precious lesson - don't discriminate people at face value.

Finally - my apologies to all offended. I shall now decist in any more posts in this thread - at least until I think about what I post.

Over and out.

Good man, at least you're willing to admit you talked a bit out of turn! That's the trouble with anonymous forums I think. We say things we'd never dream of face to face!

crapwithcash82

Hi Enabler, just wanted to say hello and that you have found a brilliant place for support and advice! I'm sure if your wife sees the full extent of the debts in black and white then she will come around and help contribute to paying it off - only fair really as you didn't accumulate it all yourself.

There are so many little things that you could try to help get money in - selling on ebay, using cashback sites for the things you have to buy online etc etc. Also, if your wife didn't want to get a full time, or day time job and she likes beauty products/regimes, she might be interested in doing something like Virgin Vie - you get the kit for doing the parties which effectively means you have all the products for yourself and their commission is 25%. I did this a few years back but stopped, but my first party the sales were £975 which meant I made £243ish for spending a few hours out of the house and not bad for one evening!!

Again, she could consider setting up working from home as a beautician if she's that way inclined? Sounds like you would have the space as you mentioned 5 bedrooms and only one child so far?

With regards to food shopping, I would definately recommed changing your habits. We have started budgeting £40 per week, for my OH and our 2 year old daughter, and I go to Asda as I find it much cheaper than tesco. We write a meal plan for the week and only buy the ingredients we need. We've found this works a treat, and we know what we're cooking each day so who ever is home first starts cooking.

Another tip thats a must for food shopping is withdraw the cash before you go and leave the cards at home, that way you roughly count up what your spending on the way round - and if you don't have enough money at the till, then something has to go back!! I used to get in such a fluster at the check out if I had spent more than I had cash on me, I would just stick it on the card anyway. I've put one or two items back on more than one occassion now - I'm sure I'm not the first to do this and pretty sure I won't be the last. I guess its just all about changing your attitudes and perceptions in the beginning.

My idea's may not solve your immediate problems, but I hope they will be of some help to you and that you manage to get your wife on board and she helps you to beat the evil debts!

Good Luck! :money:

:subscribes:

slummymummyof3

Hope all went smoothly with the outlaws.

Have you thought about meal planning and writing a shopping list and sticking to it. Do you have Aldi/Lidl nearby?

charlea

Terrified of leaving, come on where else is she gonna find a guy who works 50 hours ++ a week while she stays at home gets her nails done have lunches with the girls dose tumble tots with the baby spend 150 a week on food and live in a five bed ensuit house -- will she find one of those on ebay - i dont think so ive been bidding for one of those guy for ages unfortunatly im to cheap:D


really wish you the best though enabler

Swampmonster wrote: »

Well done for talking to your wife. I know how hard that must have been.

What no-one else has mentioned is that you were probably terrified of her leaving when she found out. I'm very pleased to see she has stuck around so that must mean she truly loves you and will stick with you through thick and thin.

I truly wish you all the best.

Good luck!

Swampmonster

Chillout5892

enabler wrote: »

....I'e never quite shaken the 'outta my league' train of thought coming from a working class background and never really 'aspirational' about things. Her parents are relatively wealthy (well compared to mine!) and she had all the clothes, holidays, big house etc growing up - I guess she never really learnt about the true costs of things and if the truth be known I have indulged her and got carried away with the 'lifestyle' aspect.

Anyway, things are a little frosty here. I intend to contact one of those debt charities and look for a DMP to manage the debt but my wife wants us to either work it out ourselves of ask her parents for help (grrrrrrrrr).

I'm being a bit controversial here, please read this as written with the very best of intentions. In my dim and distant past, I was in a position not a million miles away from where your wife is now. There were lots of differences though. He threw money at me. I was working, not earning much, he earned packet. If I wanted a dress, he'd give me £100 in the 70's!!! When he found I was saving any left over cash, he hit the roof BIG TIME. 'You'll never want for anything etc. I want you to spend it etc. I'm not having anyone say...' While it was great shopping I also felt under pressure to appear perfect. Anyhow, one day it all changed. Now I'm bleeding him dry, costing him a fortune he can't afford any longer blah blah blah. I offer to help, response, he's spitting mad.

It took me a long time (I mean years) to realise he was in some sort of male **ssing contest with my dad and 2 brothers. They were more successful than him and they all worked in the same industry where looks and bling are everything. It took months of counselling to realise the anger and blame he poured on me was in direct proportion to his guilt in how he had mislead me for his own aggrandizement. He also wanted his debt to be kept secret, (along with a few other things) which I tried to do for a while because, he did make me feel guilty and responsible for his debt. And the silence also cut me off from getting support and advice I needed.

It's very easy to point fingers at young mothers who get their nails done and 'lunch', as immature, unrealistic, wannabe WAGS and the cause of all financial evils. But let's be honest, they wouldn't do it if it didn't WORK (and I mean that in the widest sense.)

I'm sure there was a time you felt proud that you supplied luxuries that made your wife happy, and I'm sure your wife enjoys styling herself in ways that make you happy. Cutting down this debt doesn't mean all this has to stop. Instead of going to a nail bar with friends (as famous as a break from the kids as for good looking nails) why can't your wife and her friends share money for a baby sitter (or wait until they are in nursery) and spend the time chatting together in your kitchen doing each others nails. (Something I enjoy doing myself) I get beauty treatments done in a local college. (Saves fortunes) Once the Sky's gone, isn't this an opportunity to spend more time together. A picnic in the park costs almost nothing, on the beach is even better.

Regarding family, her family are your family too. It sounds as if your family are not in position to financially help you. Reading between the lines I suspect they may have been nervous of your conspicuous spending over the past few years, wondering if you could afford it and where's the money coming from etc... Which I'm sure you assured them, not to worry, it's all under control. The difference is that your parents may possibly chide you for getting into debt, give you penny lectures about not spending until you can afford it, no-one in my family has ever etc., etc., etc., and worst still, offer to lend you monies you know may well either cause hardships or leave them with no financial safety net. All toe curling agonies, I know. On the other hand, her family, namely Dad, may be far more comfortable and helpful with managing debt and finances. You never know, he may have made exactly the same mistakes himself.

I think you sound like a lovely couple. I think some of the content regarding your wife has been unnecessarily harsh. I think the day she can be criticized for lavish spending, starts after the day you have spelt out it can't be afforded. Before then, I don't think anyone on this site can say you didn't encourage it because you wanted to make her happy and you both look more successful.

You are doing exactly what you need to do to get back on track, and I think you will. I also hope as a family you'll become happier, stronger and larger in the process. This episode will fill you with wisdom, which will enable you to better guide your children when they are older. Becoming debt free and staying debt free does mean living differently, you have already learned you can't buy happiness but you can create it. Remember financial secrets and guilt are corrosive and will cause debt. The solution is the same for both fess up and deal with them.

Good luck.

misscousinitt

Just popped back to see how you are getting on Enabler. Let us know how Sunday Lunch went.

We ARE here to support you and again, I apologise if I've said anything out of order.

A
x

Moneytroubles_2

Hi Enabler,

I skimmed through this thread yesterday but had to go to work so didnt get chance to reply however I just wanted to wish you the best of luck with your debt free journey and I hope you get your wife on board.

xxx