Cant afford my wife anymore

MyLastFiver

RobertoMoir wrote: »

she needs time and help to get to that situation.

True, but right now she's out shopping, digging the hole a bit deeper. She's not helping herself.

RobertoMoir

MyLastFiver wrote: »

True, but right now she's out shopping, digging the hole a bit deeper. She's not helping herself.

Absolutely - depends what she's shopping for though doesn't it? Groceries won't buy themselves, but if she comes back with armfuls of new clothes then you're right.

Either way she hasn't had her lightbulb moment yet has she? She needs to get to that point as quickly as possible but you can't force someone to it, all you can do is encourage them then stand back.

katholicos

May I offer you a word of advice about seeking or receiving assistance from your wife's parents?

Take a look at your, perhaps, rather apt user name of 'enabler'....and then apply it to your inlaws...because they will become enablers, if you allow them to help you out of this mess.

If you are absolutely desperate ie, about to lose your home and become a homeless family, or if you were about to lose your wife etc.....then i think that accepting help from your in-laws would probably be the thing to do (and can take a lot of humility)...but if you have a young child together, my guess would be that you are hoping for a great many more years of marriage together....years when you would not like to feel like this. So change needs to happen, but change in mindset also.

If i may be so bold, may i suggest that you (as an enabler) and your wife would greatly benefit from focussing on building up your committment to your marriage in terms of working together to bring yourselves out of this situation, and perhaps making a new vow, one of total financial honesty, of transparant spending, of vowing to never get into this mess again.

I don't doubt that your wife loves you dearly, but perhaps you could try to express to her how terrible this burden is to carry...and that you feel alone and unsupported in carrying it...that you need her continued support, not only in words, but in her actions.

In addition to this, just a thought but perhaps, if you did not allow your in-laws to assist you both in your debt problems, perhaps you could allow them to pay for your holiday (with them, i presume) ? After all, this is not a debt, per se, but rather, an ongoing financial commitment that is draining your bank account when that money could be better put to use in paying off your debts.

As i wrote, just a thought.

One more thought. Please consider most carefully the possibility of having another baby. Babies are not financial burdens, they are a blessings. Please do not allow yourself to weigh up maintaining certain flexible financial outgoings you currently have (ie, possibly excessive mobile phone payments, social networking activities for your daughter etc)...with having a new baby.

They are incomparable.

I truly wish you all the best as you both endeavour to work through improving your situation.

MyLastFiver

RobertoMoir wrote: »

all you can do is encourage them then stand back.

Depends if they're spending your money or not.

coffeemonster*123

Hi Enabler
Been following your thread, well done for speaking up!

NO MORE SECRETS, i think you should go through the paperwork TOGETHER and decide between you the best way forward.
I agree with the earlier post that you have sought advice here and if your DW speaks to her m&d that can't do any harm, if anything it will be good for them to be put in the picture so you don't have to make excuses about holidays etc. Also if they are in a position to and want to help you, as long as you change your spending habits to live within your means, then let them help...that's what family's for.
If you both have the same goals by working together you will come out the other side stronger.
Perhaps you're wife could enquire about working at the Gym, i know that some give free use of the facilities to employees.....just an idea!

Best wishes to you both

Nargleblast

Hello Enabler, and well done for putting your wife in the picture. You have made a start on sorting the situation out. Carry on as you have started, making sure your wife is kept in the picture and plays a part in the decision making process. Get her to work with you on budgets etc. If family offer financial help then it has to be treated like another debt albeit an interest-free one. Make sure you have a scheme to repay them at some point, even if it is in instalments - in fact, if your wife finds a way of earning some money then she can chip in towards debt repayments so it won't be just you doing all the work and worrying. Make sure you both have a weekly and a monthly review of the total situation, then, say, a year from now, if your debts have reduced considerably and you have both got used to operating on a strict budget you can discuss the idea of having another child. It will all take time but you can do it. You AND your wife - you are a team, don't forget that.

Happytogetdebtfree

Hi enabler all the best on the journey, id be taking all credit cards back and cutting them up and making sure she is unable to order new ones for lost cards just incase and if she wants to be on board great if not id have to set a budget and give her a set amount of cash for groceries,do online shopping if need be for food, but while her access is still open she will keep spending or she doesnt think the debt is unmanageable i wish you all the best xx

Pitlanepiglet

This sounds really complex and I think you may need to consider how you really feel about your relationship as you sound quite bitter towards your wife.

If you really feel that you aren't getting through and she is continuing to spend, I'd be very tempted to cancel the credit cards...let her get to the front of a queue and have her card declined. The reality of your situation is that you are spending money you do not have and she needs to understand this.

She's clearly well educated if she was earning twice your salary so, as has been said earlier, where does she think the money has been coming from to finance your lifestyle??

It always irritates me when one partner blames the other for debt, you knew that things were tough but continued to allow her to book holidays and meals out; she knew that she had taken away a vast amount of your income but continues to live a life that you clearly can't fund.

No wonder she doesn't want to work, I wouldn't either given any choice!

yenool

I have said this before but I will say it again - You MUST cut up the credit cards and put them in the bin. Get a new bank account, a basic one with no charges or overdraft etc, have your wages paid in there and take control.

Until your wife ''gets it'', she is going to keep spending money.... and you just cannot afford that, your priority has to be keeping a roof over your family!

You are clearly not far off hitting a brick wall, when those cards become maxed out and you become overdrawn you are going to get slapped with charges left right and centre - which is why you must get a new account with a different bank, because before long all your wages are going to be paid in an swallowed up, leaving nothing to live off for the month.


Not spending much is not good enough, you can't spend anything right now, every £1 spent over and above the bare essentials is another £1 added to the debt, another £1 closer to ruin.

Getting a loan from the parents is fine and all, but if your wife doesn't get it then you are going to end up clearing your debts and running up new ones before the in laws have been paid back in full.

Second child? Tell her to get a job for a year first.

Jo_R_2

Haing followed this thread with interest, knowing you have spoken to your wife, yet you are annoyed she has gone out shopping, how much does she actually know - in black and white figures - of the situation?

What I mean is, how much is she involved in the financial running of the household? Is it a case of her being told what is happening, having access to cards for if she needs money, or is she aware there is x amount in the bank but the direct debits are due to come out, that sort of thing? I know it's been a very short time since you sat her down and explained, but what has changed in terms of her awareness and involvement? Is it simply that she knows you are struggling with certain bills, the mortgage being paid, money is short, or can she see the cascade that could be happening and how she is a part of that if she continues to spend?

On a personal note, my ex-OH was terrible with money and I believe this is partly because as I was the one who mostly handled our money, I allowed him to be passive, with the best of intentions, as we both agreed I was the one who needed to arrange the day-to-day running of our finances.

His passivity meant he never directly felt the impact of his spending - I would explain to him what was happening but he never really had to deal with consequences as I was too busy running round patching up the messes he made, only for him to mess up again.

I think giving your wife some more responsibility directly may be the key here, but in a joint effort, sitting her down at an appropriate time and seeing what she could take responsibility for. How do you think she would respond to that?