Cant afford my wife anymore

**Upsy_Daisy**

Hi Enabler - sorry you're in this situation - it isn't noce is it?
The majority of our debt came from IVF so I'm in a slightly different position to you
However, my DH does not see our debts (see sig) as a problem (on top of debts we have a £265K mortgage but with £200K equity) and he spends as he wishes - he's spent over £200 on his train set in the last month:eek:
However, we have no accounts or credit cards in common apart from one household account which the mortgage account and all utilities come from.
I am therefore clearing my debts and will let him get into his own debt until he has his LBM
I would suggest that if her parents do offer to help then you sit down with them and tell them what you will allow them to fund and what you will not allow them
Let them fund her "necessities" - nails hair clothing , yummy mummy classes etc but do not let them fund household revenue spending (groceries and utilities) or clear the debts
Believe me, we've been consolidating since 1987 and we're worse off than ever.
Therefore let them keep her in which the style to which she wishes to remain accostomed and you fund the necessities to keep the family together.
Most of use seperate the finances along his/hers lines, perhaps you need to seperate the finances along necessities and luxuries lines.

Good luck - you're on the right track, she still needs to reach the points...
UD

kazwookie

Cut the cards up, cancell thhe accounts NOW.
Show your wife this thread, NOW
New bank account
Draw out (x) amoun t of money for a week to cover all items, label it, and that is it.
Your wife needs a major reality check,, you have had yours.

Good luck

yenool

kazwookie wrote: »

Cut the cards up, cancell thhe accounts NOW.
Show your wife this thread, NOW
New bank account
Draw out (x) amoun t of money for a week to cover all items, label it, and that is it.
Your wife needs a major reality check,, you have had yours.

Good luck

exactly; tough love, cruel to be kind... etc etc.

katenut

Jo_R wrote: »

On a personal note, my ex-OH was terrible with money and I believe this is partly because as I was the one who mostly handled our money, I allowed him to be passive, with the best of intentions, as we both agreed I was the one who needed to arrange the day-to-day running of our finances.

His passivity meant he never directly felt the impact of his spending - I would explain to him what was happening but he never really had to deal with consequences as I was too busy running round patching up the messes he made, only for him to mess up again.

Our situation is very similar to this - I am the main earner, and work stupid hours sometimes. I also controlled all the money, but would feel bad at never being at home and used to give my OH more than I should have so he could go out with his mates.
My overtime has now been cut, and this has led to drastic cutbacks. My OH, rather than resenting the lack of 'beer money' like i though he would, seems to be relishing the challenge of paying off our debts and we've become much closer to each other .
I'd had a few months of lurking on here and had come to terms with how bad things were, it will take Mrs Enabler time to get her head round things. My tactic was to show my OH the card repayment calculator - the shock that 4 of our cards would not be paid off before we died was enough for him! You cant rush these things - I know to Enabler it will seem like everything needs to be cut back instantly (which I'm sure it does!) but the wife needs time to catch up.
Sorry for waffling, and good luck Enabler!

tabskitten

Sorry if i offended anyone- i was not being sarcastic, just an attempt to cheer the OP up in what is otherwise a dreary situation.

IMO- when there is nothing left to do- smile- and the solution will come!

cameron1

Hi

This was me and my partner. Prior to children and debts we had two incomes and could afford a great standard of living. I loved expensive clothes, makeup, had my hair and nails done, as well as some seriously amazing holidays.

But times have changed, debts have mounted and we now have the welfare and future of two children to think of. They must come first.

Now what happens on pay day is that 90% of my salary and 90% of my partners is paid into an account soley in my name. This account covers all bills, debts, food shopping, and allows for any new clothes or trips for the children.

What he has left is his account is his allowance for the month, and the same for me. This allowance has to cover our fuel for the monts, and then anything we want. If we need to buy birthday presents or new clothes we have to save it from our allowance each month until we have enough.

In this situation you are clearly the one who grasps the seriosness of the situation, and therefore you are likely to be the one who will have the better money head and self control.

Cancel the credit cards. Have your salary paid into an account which is soley in your name. Transfer an "allowance" into your wifes bank account and tell her thats all shes getting. I would suggest £300 per month is ample for food shopping (more than), allow for fuel she will need, then maybe £50 on top which can be used to cover any outings for your daughter, birthday presents, clothing for her or your daughter etc. And thats it. She will have to learn to budget and save from allowance for things she wants. You control the rest and dont allow her access to it.

It may sound harsh but in this sitution, someone has to take control and play banker, and the best person is you.

Just because your wife wants to stay at home with your daughter doesnt mean she cant get a part time evening job in the local supermarket.

With regards to borrowing from her parents. Be careful. Are you likely to be beholdent to them? Will they constantly remind you they bailed you out? If so, this would likely to cause resentment on your part and tension with you and your wife. If you do feel you could turn to them for help, dont allow your wife to think that just because the debts have been paid off means she can run up a whole lot more.

It sounds a little to me like your wife wants a champagne lifestyle on lemonade money. And i understand that. I was once your wife.

But we have had to take stock and become realistic about what we can afford, and thats clothes from Asda, supermarkets own brand food, an extra layer of clothing instead of the fire blazing, freeview tv instead of sky etc etc.

It wont be forever - just until you get yourselves back on your feet. But you BOTH have a part to play in this, not just you.

Ultimately you need to put your foot down. If your wife does not like being restricted to a budget then she will realise she has to do something about it.

mrscmr

very well said cameron! i am totally with you ... we went from spending rediculous amounts of money .. to spending nothing.... a big debt mountain ahead of us .. but we are on the trail! x

welshmoneylover

Oh my, I'd have cut the cards up a long time ago.

Time to take action OP otherwise its going to get worse and things will just fester in your mind.

Be careful with your own mental health, its easy to get pushed over the brink x

vasseur

Enabler - I'm not going to have a go at you or your wife, that has been done more than enough on this thread.

Well done for posting, just wanted to add a few things to the myriad of advice that you have already been given. I'm a single parent and am in a bit of debt too due to having to hit the credit cards over the last year when nearly every one of my appliances or electrical items went wrong

Keep a spending diary so you can see where the little bits of money go (get your wife to keep one too if you can) and go through them together at the end of each week (or each day if you can bear to) - that way you're scrutinizing each other.

I also keep a small cash book where I write down everything that goes in and everything that goes out of my bank account as I spend it. I check my bank account online daily and tick off each item as it appears on the statement. Very often your 'bank balance' as it appears at the cashpoint isn't your true balance. It's very easy to underestimate how quickly the odd tenner here and there adds up. This way you know exactly how much money you have left and are less likely to spend it.

Shop around for EVERYTHING. This site is an excellent tool. It is a wonderfully empowering feeling to know that you bought something for the lowest possible price you could. I like to set myself a challenge when buying presents (and with a 6 year old and all the parties it really mounts up) to spend as little as possible whilst still making the present look like it cost me a lot - in fact I get a kick out of it :rotfl:

My Dad once said to me that all experience is good experience even if you don't think so at the time (and I didn't) but now I know he was right. There is always an upside, you can take a lot of positive things from your situation - after all you have started to tackle your problem and are already more money savvy.

All the best.

P x

rachelhen

I know I am slow responding but Tabskitten remark was shocking of course not everyone has had a suicide of someone close. believe me that felt out of order, but I am sure you did not realise the impact.