Cant afford my wife anymore

Butti

enabler wrote: »

ouch -I feel like I've painted a really bad picture of my wife. There is more to her than shopping, she is a fantastic mum and very kind hearted and fun to be around, everybody who meets her loves her as she can be such great company....I'e never quite shaken the 'outta my league' train of thought coming from a working class background and never really 'aspirational' about things. Her parents are relatively wealthy (well compared to mine!) and she had all the clothes, holidays, big house etc growing up - I guess she never really learnt about the true costs of things and if the truth be known I have indulged her and got carried away with the 'lifestyle' aspect.

I'm glad you've put this Enabler, I thought some people on here were reading between the lines and coming up with a picture of your wife that was a cross between Cruella De Ville and Imelda Marcos.

You need to address your overspending and that is a message you need to get through to her BEFORE you decide to accept help from her parents. Accepting help is tricky because it may change the dynamics of your relationship with them from adult to adult, to adult to dependant. I would try to resist it because it can bring in all sorts of issues of emotional blackmail.

One thing I want you to try to do is stop worrying about the opinion of your wife's parents towards you (Easier said than done I know!) You are the person she married for better and worse and richer and poorer. She is your partner for life, they aren't. Frankly their opinion doesn't really matter. I am telling you this as a 42 year old single woman who unfortunately absorbed a lot of the messages from her parents about who was good enough. It only took me to about 30 to realise that their standards were maybe a little impossible, by which time a lot of people were married.

B

basmic

If I were enabler, I'd go through this entire thread with his wife. I can't help feeling that she'll learn a few home truths by reading this.

laurasavon

i'm currently doing a beauty course at college, so i don't have to pay for traetments as we have to practice on each other - would your wife think about doing a course in beauty as she could earn from doing treatments to friends and family and expand if she wanted to.

I'm also an avon rep so i get my make up cheaper and earn some extra cash too.

I have a full time job so both could easily be done part-time and as your daughter gets only she could help her mom out.

Miss_Poohs

Believe it or not Enabler I'm impressed that things are only a "little frosty" we had the ice age cometh in our house when I uncovered my darling husbands nasty "little" secret.

I hope you manage to work your way through all this together - manys the time that little phrase "for richer, for poorer" has leapt to my mind!! I only wish it was more the richer part.........

Ah well we live and learn.

gocurlygirl

Enabler,I was lurking on the site and like many others was worried about you and your family.Owing to a diffecult year I had run up a credit card bill and am paying it off but slowly.can't tell dh as he is unwell and I will be able to pay it over the next few months.I am so glad you are getting so many supportive replies.I would love to be able not to work but this was not feasible for us as a family.At one point I did job share and this worked very well.There are many good ideas on this forum,good luck and best wishes to you and your family-by the way the one decision I am glad about is child no 2 equal only to child no 1.only you can decide what is right for you.:)

pandora205

Hi Enabler. I've been following this thread and quietly agreeing with much of the good sense that has been offered.

Just a few thoughts to add on the subject of child care and work: your daughter has been entitled to government funded early years education for 12 and a half hours per week (now 15 in some areas) since the term after her third birthday. This can be used in a school early years class or in another early years setting (preschool, day nursery or independent nursery setting that has been inspected by Ofsted). This is usually taken as (short) half day sessions. In most areas she would be starting school in September, usually full time pretty soon during the autumn term. That means 9-3 or there abouts.

What is your wife proposing to do with all that additional time? Does she have future plans for her career? Many parents fit in part time work with looking after their children. Others work longer hours, not only through necessity but because they have careers that are meaningful. Interestingly, many young people are proud of their parents' achievements, and they provide positive role models for the future. Did you wife enjoy her work? Is it time to think of developing a new career, perhaps one that involves some training?

Do you have friends who are working parents? It might allay some concerns to chat with them about how they combine family and working lives. And they would have insider knowledge about local child care and schools too.

mufc689908

Cold hard facts

your mrs needs to return to planet reality sharpish.

She needs a job and not a part time fancy but decent wage earner. Kids cost money and you don't have any so Any more has to be put on hold.

She knows you have changed jobs to something you hate so she can swan around wasting god knows how much on !!!! you don't need because she is bored.

Grow a pair and get her out to work or all of this stress you are living with will be for nothing because you will lose the lot if this carries on.

JC9297

JoXani wrote: »

Enabler,


May I firstly ask where your wife gets her money from? Do you hand her cash or does she live off credit cards? My husband gives me money each month to pay for food and things our boys need and when the money is gone I either have to muddle through until the end of the month or go to him and ask for more and if he can afford it he'll give me more. .

I would imagine like many people they have a joint account, both of them having a debit card and his wife does not have to ask him for money. My partner and I both spend what we need to for everyday expenditure without consulting each other ( although I regularly check the balance) and would not make any major purchases without asking.

enabler

well I had the day off yesterday and spent all of it analysing all the outgoings and switiching etc where possible and spoke to the CCCS - the good news is we are eligible so if we cut back drastically and reduce the debt repayments then we can get on track. I've also been advised to get a new bank account but a bit late for this month as got paid yesterday so all this is underway.

anyway -thought she was onboard with the new budget but am seething as she's only gone and taken my daughter out shopping with her mum....she's "not going to spend much" apparently, "just a few bits and bobs." I just know she's going to tell her mum about the debts..............

gonzo127

keep you chin up enabler, she might surprise you and if she doesnt and spends more than she needs just tell her she cant have her beauty treatment this month, or something along those lines.

it sounds that she might only be at the stage of talking the talk but not ready to walk the walk, in this case she has to be reminded that if you spend on one thing you have to miss out on something else