Cant afford my wife anymore

taxi73

Well done on getting her a bit more on board.
She still needs to get a job though a DMP will only work if you have any income to give them and even cutting back it will be hard to find any money to give creditors.
Do cancel your DDs so that you don't incurr any bank charges though.
If you get another bank account it needs to be at a bank that you have no debts with so that they can't take any money out of it.
As for the in laws you shouldn't feel bad ..they brought her up without teaching her budgetting skills.Most husbands would like to keep their wives in a manner to which they'd been accustomed to and would like their wives to stay at home with the kids but unless they are rich then it isn't really viable.
It is clear you really love your wife and that if possible you would let her live that lifestyle but it can't be at the moment and you are going to make yourself ill.
If she loves you as much as you love her then she will do everything possible to keep the roof over her head and to prevent the angst and worry that you are carrying alone.She would also be happy to slum it if needs me.That's what marriage is....for richer for poorer...
Good luck xx

SUESMITH_2

oh dear me, i do feel for you - but for the fact you only have 1 child you could be talking about someone i know. her parents were quite well off and she was an only child and indulged. her parents bought her a house so she should have been sorted but no. because of her wild spending and her refusal to work not only has that house gone, but the house she is in now with oh and kids is so heavily mortgaged they struggle to pay that so her parents also sold their house and gave her that money which she has now spent.

her kids go to private school which her mum is somehow still paying for her even though she is elderly. she refuses to work as she wants to be at home - kids now teenagers but she still sits on her bum. credit cards maxed out but she somehow gets more, spends hundredson clothes. she thinksnothing of spending 30odd quid on an eyeliner. all her problems are self inflicted and i feel for her oh who has tried to make her see sense but now has given up. he earns similar to you.

she says its ok for me to work, my kids are used to it, i loved being at home but WE HAD NO MONEY so i had to go out to work.

sorry rant over - your wife needs to stop all treatments and get real!

InaPickle

Actually, from what I understand of it, the previous posters are right: DMPs only allow necessary expenses to be paid for and would not consider manicures as necessary, and would only leave a few pounds for a haircut etc.

bluebag

enabler wrote: »

yep - thats a good summary of things. Never really realised it but I wanted to 'prove my worth' by buying or allowing her to buy treats and luxuries.......muppet

Good to hear your thinking aout how you got where you are. It's easy to feel a bit daft for letting it happen (I felt like a naughty child tbh)


Keep thinking positive, you obviously think the world of the lass and although it might be tough if you can get her on board she may surprise you and rise to the challenge in ways you didn't think possible.

Keep coming on here, there's lots of help and support (and a bit of nagging ) Good luck.
bb

niccatw

Hey Enabler

Great to hear you sounding so determined today!

Your wife is a lucky lady, you sound like an adoring husband! And from what you have said, I'm sure your wife will come round to your way of thinking once she has had time to absorb it all.

My guess would be that, if she'd like another baby, the frostiness is as much her trying to get her head around possibiliy of having a baby given your financial situation as it is anything else. Naturally any-one would need time to digest that and come to their own conclusion. Once she's done that, you'll both be in a much better position to sit down and think about what you can achieve together.

You're sounding much more positive. Keep them momentum going. Keep popping back here and have a read at some of the diaries for motivation and inspiration! It won't be long before you are as obsessed as the rest of us!

Good luck and take care

magpiedawn

HI, just read the whole thread.

So well done to you both for getting on board the DFW train.

Every journey begins with the first step.

Maybe your wife could look into child minding, she seems to like being at home with your daughter and maybe that would be the answer to you having a second child allowing your wife to be at home with the children and also earning a wage.

carlos*the*mackem

magpiedawn wrote: »

HI, just read the whole thread.

So well done to you both for getting on board the DFW train.

Every journey begins with the first step.

Maybe your wife could look into child minding, she seems to like being at home with your daughter and maybe that would be the answer to you having a second child allowing your wife to be at home with the children and also earning a wage.

My wife used to be a registered childminder (she's a trained nursery nurse and learning support assistant), looking after a neighbour's little boy, who was also a close friend of our youngest daughter. Sounds ideal doesn't it?

Unfortunately though, it didn't work out that way; my wife never knew when the little lad was getting picked up (which naturally upset him when he didn't know when his mum was coming), she didn't get paid on time, or always get the full amount, and because of the late pickups, it ended up interfering with our family life (we couldn't really do anything together until he'd been picked up). Taking him for days out wasn't easy either. This is despite a contract in place (with our neighbour and friend) as per NCA guidelines! Eventually my wife decided she'd had enough, and ended the arrangement. Clearly, it affected the relationship we all had as friends and neighbours.

But it's certainly worth considering for some people; just be aware of what you're getting into. The OP and his wife certainly need to do something to up their income and drastically cut back on luxuries.

misscousinitt

Hi Enabler

I'm glad you came back on to post and I apologise if any of my comments were harsh. You have come quite far already, but still a long way to go.

I wish you and your wife all the luck in the world with sorting this out. ;-)

yenool

I think you have to cut up your credit cards and put them in the bin. It seems obvious to me that the two of you are not going to manage to stop spending on them if they are in your wallet!

Personally I think it is much easier to keep track of cash, if you get £200 out of the bank it is easier to set £50 aside for shopping, £50 for petrol, £10 for the gym.... etc etc. Having the cards around it is too easy to *just* buy that one extra bargain or item which you don't need because it is *only* £35 or whatever - then come the end of the month it is head scratching time as you try to work out where that £350 quid has gone missing over the month!

Depending on how strict you can be with your finances from now on and how wealthy the In-laws are it might be work swallowing your pride and asking them - if you could completely CLEAR off a couple of your debts and then CUT UP THE CARDS & CLOSE THE ACCOUNTS you would have money left over each month to clear some other debts and pay her parents back at a sensible rate with a fair interest.

However if you are going to go down that route and ask for help everything needs to be written down on paper IMO........ draw up some kind of contact about any loan terms between you and them.

The main priority right now is obviously paying the mortgage/gas/electric/food and transport to work......... but from what I can see you are still going to be £1000 a month short even after making major cut backs, so you are going to have to get help from someone or a second income ASAP.

JoXani

Enabler,
Like you I have suddenly realised the extent of my debt (although between me and my husband we aren't in debt but to a certain degree we keep our finances seperate after both being burnt by previous partners). It may not be much in comparison to you but it's still a debt I don't want and is worrying me. Having found this site I am revved up to do something about it.

May I firstly ask where your wife gets her money from? Do you hand her cash or does she live off credit cards? My husband gives me money each month to pay for food and things our boys need and when the money is gone I either have to muddle through until the end of the month or go to him and ask for more and if he can afford it he'll give me more. Anything I want for myself I pay for from my own money but after putting in my share of the mortgage and bills, paying my phone bill and credit card bills I usually have about £20 to last me the month for absolutely everything (clothes, travel, taking the boys out etc). Perhaps if you wife had cold hard cash in her hand she may find budgeting a bit easier. You could also say that her beauty treatments have to come out of the money you give her too. So if she has spent it all elsewhere then she can't have her treatments. Plenty of people do their own manicures and I'm sure your 4 year old little girl would LOVE to help Mummy make her nails look nice.

I would love nothing more than to stay at home with my boys but unfortunately I want to stay living in our 3 bed semi with a huge garden so I work 2 days a week and earn extra money by doing evening and weekend on-calls. However, I put our garden to good use. I grow my own vegetables and we have plum trees, an apple tree, raspberry canes and strawberry plants. My eldest son (3.5yrs) LOVES helping me in the garden. I didn't buy any fruit last summer as we lived off what was in our garden. Is this something your wife could do in your garden? It would stop her going out spending, the educational benefits to your daughter would be amzing and it would help to save some money too. I know it may not seem like much but we saved quite a lot last year off our food bill just from growing our own salad things let alone the other things we grew. We also got ourselves some chickens and sold surplus eggs to our neighbours. You can't beat a fesh egg!:)

Unfortunately at this time of the year you may struggle to get a nursery place for you daughter as for her age group most children are already in nursery but it's definitely worth a go. If she checks out Sure Start she may well find local free groups to take your daughter to as opposed to putting her in nursery rather than things like Tumble Tots (which in my opinion is money for old rope!)

You said your wife likes to cook from scratch. Why doesn't she look in to something like The Pampered Chef? It's something she could do in the evening once your daughter is in bed. It would bring in some extra cash and it is somehting she could continue to do even with another baby should you decided to go ahead and try for one. And if she likes cooking it would be somehthing your wife would enjoy too. It is very sociable and would give her some "Me" time.

I would maybe consider doing is rather than just showing your wife a copy of your SOA actually sit down and do one with her. To see where your money is going might make her realise the extent of what is going on but also she may well be able to come up with some other areas where you could save yourself a few pennies.

Lastly, introduce her to this site. I have only just discovered it and have already come across some ways to try and help me save money.

I know my suggestions are only small things but even saving a few pounds here and there may well help out a bit.