Cant afford my wife anymore

DVardysShadow

enabler wrote: »

... anyway -thought she was onboard with the new budget but am seething as she's only gone and taken my daughter out shopping with her mum....she's "not going to spend much" apparently, "just a few bits and bobs." I just know she's going to tell her mum about the debts..............

OK, Bank of Mum and Dad may come to the rescue, regardless of whether you want it. But think about what will be the real battle resulting from that.

If you take the money, no doubt you would be right to take it as a loan rather than as a gift - and even as a loan it would ease the pressure no end. But what you have got to do, if you get the money, is to really make sure that it is not business as usual on the credit card front and the household expenditure.

Many here will tell you that a loan which got them out of the hole was the loan which allowed them to make the hole twice as deep. Even a gift could do similar. A tactic I would suggest is to say that your household needs to reestablish its budget to live within its means - and defer taking anything from Bank of Mum and Dad for a year

Miss_Poohs

I have a feeling you're probably right Enabler - the good Mrs E may well be divulging all to mum and dad!!

I did confess all to my dad, only because he saw how upset and worried I was, and I just couldn't keep it all to myself a minute longer.

If I were you I'd be changing your bank account and cutting up all the ccs ASAP.

I'm guessing Mrs E will have a grocery budget to stick to now, which isn't going to leave much for beauty treatments once the shopping is done? This alone may well be the push your wife needs to get to the job market.

Well done by the way, your doing well.

niccatw

Hi Enabler

You are definitely not the first person to battle with their OH, trying to get them on board with a budget and why it is needed! And you will not be the last either.

The DFW diaries are full of us ranting and raving about OH's, family, friends that just don't get it . If they did, I guess there'd be a lot less of us looking here for help!

Here's a link to one of the diaries - there are many more! But it might help as you will be able to relate to the feelings!

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1908855

Keep up the good work. We're all rooting for you .

ninky_2

it may not be a bad thing if she tells her mum about the debts. if she wants to use her mum and dad's money so she can keep up her beauty treatments, shopping trips etc then really you have to let her. it is between her and them. all you can do is say you don't personally agree with that approach.

maybe she feels she needs her support network to vent to. whilst you might not like her talking to parents, maybe she wouldn't / doesn't like you venting to strangers on an internet forum!

you both have to reconcile yourself to the fact that the lifestyle (outgoings) you have been living is totally unsustainable on you current income. both of you have different senses of pride to let go of. for you it is not being able to be the man who gives her everything her heart desires. for her it may be not being able to afford the luxuries. but for me real pride does not come with maintaining a front of artificiality but in facing up to reality and doing what has to be done.

MyLastFiver

So she's gone out shopping? She still doesn't get it, does she?

If I were you I'd be thinking about separating yours and her finances now. Not because you want to be mean but because you are trying to save the family from meltdown.

You are the breadwinner - time to take control. It will happen sooner or later anyway when the credit cards are maxed.

mrscmr

hi Enabler... well i have read through your diary.. and firstly, you are in the right place. it is very easy to feel alone and overwhelmed when you have financial problems. I know that having the ability to post and express how you feel really does help me!

you have faced up to your problems, you are looking for and finding solutions.. its a hard and long road.. i wish you much luck and speaking as someone who wasted alot of money on luxury.. i do understand.

have you thought about getting your wife to look at selling items on ebay? i suspect she may have toys etc that your daughter no longer needs... in the last year alone i have made over 9K in ebay selling our own stuff [there is no tax if its your own belongings] this is something she could do from home. during the time we had no cash coming in ebay was the only income we had - saved us sometimes!

keep posting and good luck!

mrscmr!

frizz2

Hello,
I would talk to her as soon as possible. You will make yourself ill if you carry on hiding the truth.

Look at all your outgoings is there things you can cancel? For example gym membership etc. Also can you pay interest only on your mortgage? We did this when our children were younger and it helped cut our outgoings. Can you extend your mortgage to 30 years? It might help lower your payments and your monthly outgoings.
Try to stop buying new things look for second hand things or make do and mend what you have.

This is a challenge you and your wife must face together. I hope it can help you work together. Good luck
Frizz

mrsinvisible

not posted like this before, but just want to point out that while I agree with most of the comments regarding cutting back renegotiating and possibility of increasing income by another salary, I think your last post was a teeny bit unfair on your wife. You have had the benefit of time since your lightbulb moment to adjust to the situation you find yourselves in, you have had support and advice (ok and some rather harsh truthsayings) over the past few days. Ie you have had the opportunity to share your worries seek other points of view or alternative solutions, with a lot of wonderful DFWs your wife , on the other hand has only had your input. Maybe she is telling the in-laws, but is that really so bad ? she surely needs to offload this huge shift in her life and lifestyle. Her parents would be bound to notice the changes anyway, and perhaps this is the safest place for her to talk it out for her. Then maybe she could join us all here with you and be listened to and helped with the same honesty and support you have benefited from. OMG I hope no one is offended by anything I've just written, it is not my intention to hurt or annoy anyone. Hope it turns out ok thoughts and hugs xx

JoXani

JC9297 wrote: »

I would imagine like many people they have a joint account, both of them having a debit card and his wife does not have to ask him for money. My partner and I both spend what we need to for everyday expenditure without consulting each other ( although I regularly check the balance) and would not make any major purchases without asking.

Didn't think of that:) I guess I'm just used to having seperate bank accounts and that is what my parents do too so for me it's the norm.

RobertoMoir

mrsinvisible wrote: »

not posted like this before, but just want to point out that while I agree with most of the comments regarding cutting back renegotiating and possibility of increasing income by another salary, I think your last post was a teeny bit unfair on your wife. You have had the benefit of time since your lightbulb moment to adjust to the situation you find yourselves in, you have had support and advice (ok and some rather harsh truthsayings) over the past few days. Ie you have had the opportunity to share your worries seek other points of view or alternative solutions, with a lot of wonderful DFWs your wife , on the other hand has only had your input. Maybe she is telling the in-laws, but is that really so bad ? she surely needs to offload this huge shift in her life and lifestyle. Her parents would be bound to notice the changes anyway, and perhaps this is the safest place for her to talk it out for her. Then maybe she could join us all here with you and be listened to and helped with the same honesty and support you have benefited from. OMG I hope no one is offended by anything I've just written, it is not my intention to hurt or annoy anyone. Hope it turns out ok thoughts and hugs xx

I agree with you 100% In fact I said it a couple of times earlier. Enabler is a couple of pages ahead of her in the book. He's had time to think about the situation to accept it mentally and think of strategies to deal with it - hence posting here for help.

His wife does need to be realistic about what situation they are in but she needs time and help to get to that situation. It would be nice if he could show her this forum to get her used to the problem and hear that they're not alone in their problems. I think she needs help and encouragement to 'catch up' with her hubby, not brickbats and name calling.