Am I being taken for a ride?

christmas_carole

Hello to you all,
I need some advice please, My boyfriend moved in on 2nd Nov, he earns £2300 a month, I earn £894 plus £200 maintenence from my ex for DD 16. I pay all the bills, he was putting £200 or £300 a month into an account he opened for both of us in November and December, he has been helping with the food shop at weekends, £50-£60, buys the odd items during the week, I eventually got him to put a proper lump sum in the joint account on 26th January, £850, unfortunatley he was £241 O/D so i got £608, he told me on Monday we had no money left in that account now so not to use the card!!! I got him to print out his bank statement so I could see what we'd spent and he has spent £443 of the £608 he put in. He has a lot of debt so has huge repayments to make every month, at least £900, but still has used 'our' account to pay for all his cash withdrawalls and petrol and even £40 to send a parcel to his son:eek:
I'm waiting for him to come in and discuss what I want to do about this and just wanted some helpful advice and suggestions as to how to do this a bit more fairly please.

Any

Hi. I know exactly where you are coming from. I was exactly in the same situation (down to his repayments).

We both have our own accounts and one joint account. There are all the bills such as mortgage, gas, food (but only food that is variable).

My OH earns much more then I do too, so I pay slightly less in. I pay 2/3 of what he does.

From this account we both have card, but my OH never uses his. I do all the grocery shopping and I know what my budget for that is on that account. He wouldn't know how far gone that budget is and would worry we run over it, so even when he pops to local for bag of potatoes he would ask me whether he can pay on that card so I am aware.

I find it easy that way. I know exactly how much I have for my own spend on my account because all the house bills are on the joint one so even if the DDs are at different time of the month I don't need to worry I might forget about one. And he also knows how much money he has for himself and his son and can budget.

It happens sometimes that one of us runs short for some reason and then we ask each other to fund the other person for couple of days and it's fine. But the house bills always get paid.

Bethankim

I leanrt to my cost that not being really clear from the beginning, setting out a budget and deciding on exactly how we each put into the joint household costs..

I was so loved up my brain was not where it should have been - because never sorted it, never had a proper conversation, i ended up carrying him, subsidizing his costs, and my debts went up..in theory his wage plus mine equated to £3400 a month at its peak, but his ever changing job then my illness mean by the end i owed 15K more than i started with...

my advice get tough, get real, and sit down budget etc..because very quickly the love will turn into resentment and its a lippy slidey slope..

I ended the relationship not just over money, but over the fact he was more secretive than a spy..and the trust had gone

Errata

It's only take him a couple of months to not understand the difference between his money, your money and the house money. He has debts. Don't trust him to be finanacially astute because it looks like he's incapable of that.
Ask him what he's going to do about it, it's his problem to solve to your complete satisfaction.

christmas_carole

He's back and I've shown him all the bank statements including mine, I've said its not fair and where else could he live with bed, board, washing, cooking and all the trimminggs for the pittance he is paying?
We ended up arguing and I told him i wont do it, he can move out and I'll sort my own finances out, i think he does not respect me or he wouldn't do this to me!
He said 'Oh I'm sorry for spending some of the money I earn' I said what about all the money I earn going on paying all the bills?
He's gone off saying well if thats what you want I'll move out but all that money was spent on this house. I hate having to row about money but yes he admits he is useless with money, I'm not, I'm careful. Dead mad.

Any

christmas_carole wrote: »

He's back and I've shown him all the bank statements including mine, I've said its not fair and where else could he live with bed, board, washing, cooking and all the trimminggs for the pittance he is paying?
We ended up arguing and I told him i wont do it, he can move out and I'll sort my own finances out, i think he does not respect me or he wouldn't do this to me!
He said 'Oh I'm sorry for spending some of the money I earn' I said what about all the money I earn going on paying all the bills?
He's gone off saying well if thats what you want I'll move out but all that money was spent on this house. I hate having to row about money but yes he admits he is useless with money, I'm not, I'm careful. Dead mad.

That is extremely selfish. If he moves out he will have to pay his earned wages to live somewher too.

Yes, he is taking you for ride.

Errata

Look on it as a lucky escape, and while he's out pack his bags so he can move out tonight. And first thing tomorrow get your name off the joint account.

paddy's_mum

Yes, you're being taken for a ride. He's hardly got his feet under the table and you're expected to go without some part of his fair share. If it's so out of balance this soon into the living together life, what will it be like a year down the line?

Your house, your rules and if he doesn't like it, he can always move back to where he was living before. You may think the world of him but you have yourself and your child to consider and you cannot afford (forgive the pun) to let his stupidities drown you right alongside him. Good luck.

Afterthought: Finding out what all the money owed was spent on might be illuminating. Good luck and I'm sorry for the dent to your trust in him.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Bin him. He'll spend your maintenance on whatever invisible items that he spends so much cash on each month and still demand more. My suspicious mind goes straight away to various things that come in ten pound bags, quarters and grams.

Bin him. Anyone worth their salt - good or bad with money - wouldn't take the p by being so defensive about 'his' money at the end of the first month.

savingmummy

I think it would be best if he moved out!
He clearly needs help with his debt and overspending and he is taking you for a ride!!

I would not put up with that, he needs to pay his way and sort himself out x

pinkshoes

Earning that much a month, he's obviously useless with money if he ended up with debts.

If he wants to stay, then perhaps you could manage his debts for him i.e. he gives ALL his salary to you, then you take some rent money, give him some spending money, then put the rest towards the debt until it's gone.

If he wants to be with you, he'll agree to this (or similar). If it's just money he likes, then he won't bother.

DO NOT have a joint account with this guy, as it could affect your own credit rating. I suggest you close it.