Need help for my 12 year old son

aliasojo

Raksha, you train dog owners to manage their pets. This is exactly the same thing but with humans.

I think you are simply too close to the situation and too emotionally involved to see the wood for the trees as it were.

If a dog was overweight, wouldn't you advise the owner to come up with some sort of plan to address this? You wouldn't just leave it, I would imagine? You would expect them to put changes into place immediately in order to start dealing with it. Same goes for your son, only his changes need to involve regular healthy meals and increased exercise.

If a dog seemed to be acting in a way that was a little out of the norm, would you perhaps advise a vet visit to ascertain whether there was any basis for this? If so, why can't you consider doing this for your son to see if there is any basis for the ADHD suggestion?

If an owner attempts to control his dog by fear or bullying, would you not want to re-educate him into understanding there are better ways to interact with his pet? Yes? So talk to your OH.

Seems to me you are firmly between a rock and a hard place just now. Problem is you can wriggle about doing very little and will be stuck there forever more, or you can make one almighty concerted effort to push against the things that are stopping you (and your son) from moving on. Like everyone else, I think this is not really about your son being bullied, that's only the surface issue and I'm not sure you can just fix surface issues tbh.....they just keep coming back in another form. You need to tackle more than just your lad's anger and size.

kazmeister

Raksha - I just firstly want to offer you a huge hug because you are having a difficult time. If you are anything like me, you are surrounded by people but feel alone and have no-one to turn to except 'friends' on here. Everyone is trying to understand your situation and help you in whatever way they can, please try not to be offended by anyone's comments. I have read the whole thread and cant really offer any advice as such. The only thing I would say is have you actually sat your son down for a heart to heart, asked him how he feels about both school and home life. If he is willing, together you can work out an action plan, from standing up to portion size to controlling the anger at school or working out how to get those bikes out. He may feel better by taking some control, you might do too - make it happen. Big hugs again to both of you.

margaretclare

Raksha wrote: »

They are nearly adults - they choose to take lunch or not.

They won't eat school lunches

Given the choice I wouldn't buy them, but they mostly come from Approved Foods, in bulk and it's a small 'reward' for not going too mad on other stuff. Fruit etc - we just weren't brought up to perceive fruit as rewarding.

Do you think I don't feel sorry for my kids? It sounds as if you are blaming me this is hard enough without comments like that thank you.

You asked for comments. I agree with what many others have already said.

They're not nearly adults - age 12 is only just in adolescence. They would eat school lunches if they were given no other option.

Don't know what you mean by 'Approved Foods' - approved by whom?

Nor was I 'brought up to regard fruit as rewarding'. Fruit is valuable food, I can't see why it should be made a 'reward'. I don't think it's a good idea to make any food into a reward. Rewards should come in other forms for human beings. It's possible to teach pigeons to peck by giving them a peanut each time they peck the right key, but your boys are not pigeons!

tandraig

Raksha - I meant my post to be helpful, but on re-reading it realises it could be taken as being a bit critical. I am not really, you have a heck of a lot to cope with and it sounds like you have no-one there to let you cry on their shoulder!
when i said at the then end its up to you to work out a way to deal with the little tyrant (your partner) what I meant was that we dont know him and how he is likely to think or react to things - you do! so you are best placed to work out how to deal with him! i didnt mean it to sound as if i couldnt be bothered to help! I would be happy to - either on the thread or you could PM if you want with a specific situation and i would of course give suggestions.
the list another poster posted is actually a good idea - pick one or two pressing issues and deal with them for now- you may find then that the other issues resolve themselves.
for now - Raksha - try to gather up your own sense of self worth and find that inner strength, you must have it or you wouldnt be raising three kids would you?

margaretclare

tandraig wrote: »

Raksha - I meant my post to be helpful, but on re-reading it realises it could be taken as being a bit critical. I am not really, you have a heck of a lot to cope with and it sounds like you have no-one there to let you cry on their shoulder!
when i said at the then end its up to you to work out a way to deal with the little tyrant (your partner) what I meant was that we dont know him and how he is likely to think or react to things - you do! so you are best placed to work out how to deal with him! i didnt mean it to sound as if i couldnt be bothered to help! I would be happy to - either on the thread or you could PM if you want with a specific situation and i would of course give suggestions.
the list another poster posted is actually a good idea - pick one or two pressing issues and deal with them for now- you may find then that the other issues resolve themselves.
for now - Raksha - try to gather up your own sense of self worth and find that inner strength, you must have it or you wouldnt be raising three kids would you?

I agree.

Sense of self-worth and self-esteem is crucial.

I was bullied years ago because my mum was an unmarried mum in the days when it really wasn't the thing to be. I did manage to get a sense of self-worth and self-esteem though - somehow!

Raksha

I hauled OH out of his model club show for an hour and a half yesterday (didn't drive round to the car park he said he was in, as I'd told him where I was and he walked round to me).
Several times I had to ask him why he was raising his voice........Lots of tears were shed, but not by him.
He's agreed to go to Family Therapy, so I'm just about to ring GP to make an appointment. Not sure how it will work with his shifts though...

RadoJo

Good on you!! I have only just come to this thread and I can see that you have had a lot of practical advice from people and I can undertsand how it all seems a bit daunting at the moment, but well done for making a start. I also think that starting with yourself and your OH is a good thing as you need to have the tools to support your son and if you can feel stronger and more confident about yourself then you can show him how it's done and pick him up when he finds making changes hard (which will almost certainly happen at some point, and you'll have to be strong enough for both of you!).

It sounds as though your relationship with your OH has got into a rut of him getting his own way, but it doesn't sound like he's particularly happy with things either if he's having tantrums and can't cope unless he gets his own way - hopefully some objective advice and ideas on how to diffuse situations before they get out of hand will allow your OH to feel more confident and allow him to see how much of an impact his behaviour has on you and the kids - it sounds like there's no reason you can't all work together on the things you're not happy with and become stronger as a unit as well as individuals - good luck!

Savvy_Sue

Raksha wrote: »

He's agreed to go to Family Therapy, so I'm just about to ring GP to make an appointment. Not sure how it will work with his shifts though...

Actually, I'd have thought being a shift worker should work in your favour, not against it.

Think about it, family therapy is likely to work to office hours rather than evenings and weekends. I could be quite wrong about that, but wouldn't that make sense as it's not a crisis / urgent kind of service but a measured and thoughtful kind of service? Now, if he was working 9-5, M-F, and was told he'd got to take time off for something he probably doesn't really fancy, that could well cause problems!

As it is, being available during the 'normal' working day should be very helpful.

Keep at it girl, as the advert says, "YOU'RE WORTH IT!" And so is your son - and so, of course, is your partner.

Which reminds me - have you heard of 'tough love'? When our children are very young, we love them too much to let them make truly disastrous choices - we hold their hands when we cross roads, for example, which they sometimes hate. But it's the loving thing to do, even if they can't see it.

The same thing needs to carry on as we grow up. You love your sons, but the most loving thing isn't to let them do as they please, otherwise they'll be hard pushed to find someone to love them other than you! You love your OH, but the most loving thing isn't to facilitate him behaving like this, not least because his behaviour is not the most loving way for him to treat your sons.

Pee

It's a shame that you have posted about an issue which is obviously concerning you greatly for people to come across as though you are not taking this seriously enough.

If he really wouldn't want to exercise in public, might a wii help - an active computer game.

I was bullied as a child in school, mostly for being too quiet a little bit for being overweight and wearing glasses. I was tall, too, so even had I been thin, I would have been big. I found standing up to the bullies, literally, helped and that most of the really nice people I have met in my life have been bullied too.

I know one man who is bullied as an adult, and can see from the way he comes across that this is partly his self esteem issues and actions.

I think karate or boxing are brilliant ideas. i think boxing comes with a lot of discussion about self control and anger management.

Your son is still going to be tall and still going to be sensitive, but these are the things which will be assets to him in the future.

Could you get your boys to make a weeks worth of sandwiches on a Sunday and freeze them then?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Raksha wrote: »

It's a known fact that the best way to fail a diet is to 'ban' favourite foods. This is why we have small stocks of favourites. I am not talking about huge bars of chocolate !!!!!!, I mean mini bite chocolate brownies, flakes (one of the lower calorie chocolate bars), malt loaf, turkish delight (low in fat), flapjacks etc. We only buy 'diet' drinks, and mostly drink sparkling water with NAS high juice squash.

If I made them lunch, they wouldn't eat it (peer pressure and bullying at school). And yes, this has been discussed with school.

Thanks to all those who appreciate the position I am in. To those whose best advice is 'stop feeling sorry for your kids and take action' - who do you suggest I contact at 11.45 on a Sunday morning? Samaritans? At the moment, yes, that is what I feel driven to.

I have a feeling that this is your usual response to feeling threatened - the abbreviated swearing, the accusatory question 'who do you suggest...'

It's a similar response to (and this isn't an insult) a fearful dog, who gets snappy due to a perceived threat.

The 'best way' to fail a diet isn't to ban favourite foods. The most effective way to not lose weight is to eat sweet, cheap, overprocessed junk foods whilst implying that they don't really count because they're not as bad as something else. If they are not there, then they can't be chosen as an alternative to useful foods. As your sons are making their own choices at lunchtime, they can choose to get junk if they like - what makes you so sure that they aren't doing that already and then coming home looking sorry for themselves so you let them have their little treats, thinking they've been so good in the meantime?

Eating stuff that undoubtedly boosts endorphin production for a short period and acts as a displacement activity for feelings of fear, anger, resentment and powerlessness (think of an animal that overgrooms or constantly gnaws on its paws) isn't going to help the situation, any more than snapping at the people who have tried to offer their advice.

I hope the family therapy works - after all, when a much loved pet is being an absolute nightmare, it isn't just one person's responsibility in a family, it's the whole family's responsibility to implement the behaviourist's recommendations.

But if your OH (and you) really believe that putting someone, no matter how unpleasant, in fear of their life - and actually doing it, as they could easily have been dropped - is something to be proud of - I think you have deep seated issues regarding what 'men' should or shouldn't do and you could benefit from individual counselling as well.