Need help for my 12 year old son

tandraig

Raksha wrote: »

Thanks so much peeps. I think I've got 'comfortable' with the bullying - my Dad was the same, as was my first husband.

I did tell him this afternoon that sulking and throwing a temper tantrum because I reminded him he had said he would make a cup of tea at 4.30, and then didn't want to because he'd been watching a programme on Pearl Harbour for 90 mins and was going to miss the end was purely childish - that is what Sky + is for!

He's now sitting downstairs watching TV on his own, because none of us want to be bullied into watching what he wants to watch. He seems to think it's acceptable that I should never watch Casualty when he's at home because he finds it boring, and for years that made sense - but why shouldn't I if there is nothing on that he wants to watch?

lol - my OH watches a LOT of tv on his own - I dont like his choice of programs so I go on computer! he moans about it - but i reminded him he doesnt like it when i read books either! his choice - he watches everything he wants - but I am in another room on here! I will NOT sit and watch rubbish just because he wants me to!

devils_advocate

one solution on sports for your son is rugby. There's bound to be a club near you, and usually the kids rugby is on Sunday mornings. I'm sure if he goes along there's kids who are larger (not taller) than him, where size can be a virtue!

It will build up his self confidence and there are probably more injuries in football practice, if you or he are worried bout the physical side. It does need a lot of stamina which he can build up in the training. Clubs will generally let kids have 4 -6 sessions before they have to join.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

...and eventually, when your OH throws his toys out of the pram (or sausages out of the pan) in your direction, he will be faced by a huge, rather annoyed 18 year old who is not willing to kow tow to his father because he's handled bigger and scarier on the rugby field.

Whether this is a good or a bad thing is, of course, not my call...

charlea

my son who is now 15 was really overweight he stood at 5ft 11 and weighed 17.9 this was despite playing Rugby at county level 3 time a week and training on weekends and riding his bike every day to school and back and on weekends he had no real problems with bullying has a large circle of friends and is a talented rugby player and has been playing since he joined senior school and plays for his school as well as his club

The problem was his bloody nan ( my mum) whos of the old school brigade of frying everthing and giving such big portions and my son woulld spend a lot of time at his nans

it came to a head last year after a summer holiday he is doing his btec in sport and want to be a sports coach /and go in the navy /air force and train to be a physical instuctor

cruel to be kind but my husband stated the fact that how could he teach people to lose weight when he was overweight himself even if he was fit and that if he wanted to lose weight we would help him

basically we banned him from going to his nans asked him to give us a month to see if it worked he already dose lots of excerise so it had to be what he was eating when not at home ( my fault i know for not monitering my mum but have you ever tried to moniter your own parents mine like the nan from catherine tate shows )

within a month he had lost a stone and by xmas he was down to 14st 11 1bs this was from the first month in september this was just down to my husband cooking for him he took packed lunches to school and fri night was treat night where he could have what he wanted fish and chips mcdonalds

he had bacon for breakfast, lunch was pasta or soup, or an omelette,
dinner was jacket potatoe and beans, veg and variations of this chicken omeltes ect

we had no coke or fizzy drinks in the house no sweets chocolates crisps at all (that really killed me but it was a joint family effort)

if he wanted a drink ( my anwser was well thats what come out of the tap mate and its free) and bless him he stuck to it and the weight dropped him

his skin has cleared up he can wear regular jeans now prev he was 44 he is now 38 and although he was always a happy chap i can see the huge difference in him now just in the way that he stands up straight and dosent slouch he is staying on at 6th form doing alevel in maths and biology and a btec in sport and he is severally dyslexic as well
and want to do a degree in sport science


while i cant offer you advice on the bullying i would reccomend getting your son a bike and if poss getting him to join a rugby club or boxing club
rugby is brilliant for boys lots of lads together and it really dose bring out the best in kids ( i think) he will meet lots of other kids from other schools and go away with them on trips

if he says no to rugby do what i do (go three times and if after that you dont want to go thats fine ) my son has been at rugby for 5 years and boys dont want to let down there mates and if you have a word with the coach (ie he is a bit shy but really want to keep up the coach will encourage him in a way that if he dont go he is letting his mate downs and the team )


boxing is great as it builds self confidence and fitness if he could combine the two sports that would be great but its about finding him something that he like boxing and rugby are usually pretty cheap and for boys i think they are the best sports out there they teach respect and values and confidence in life and working in teams

lots of gyms do women classes so why not go yourself nothing like punching a punch bag and thinking of someone you dont like :rotfl:
or get your oh to take him they could spar against each other nothing teaches you more respect than doing a couple of rounds in the ring and then getting out and shaking hands with the guy whos just winded you and given you a black eye

grey_lady

Raksha, I can't think of a simple way to say this, but it seems like these are your issues, not your sons. Erm, toast, ham and cheese sandwiches,skipping lunch = NOT HEALTHY! Lean protien, 5 fruit/veg a day and fish twice a week with as little sugar and processed food as possible is the way to go - but you know that, we all know that, putting it actually into practise is something else.

But I don't think food / diet is your problem, it sounds like your relationship with your OH is and what effect this is having on your son. I just dont think he needs doctors / pills or anything like that. (Not that I'm a doctor)

I'd like to suggest a couple of books that myself and many others have found helpful, 'A woman in your own right' and 'Women who love to much'.

I'd also like to remind you (constantly) that you do have a choice, even if its between the devil and the deep blue sea, your still in the driving seat.

Princess_kate

Sorry to ask but what does the egg help with?

Savvy_Sue

Raksha wrote: »

Thanks so much peeps. I think I've got 'comfortable' with the bullying - my Dad was the same, as was my first husband.

I'm glad you've realised that. Might I tentatively suggest that it's one thing for you to accept it and choose to live with it (or not), but you're also inflicting it on your sons. And that's not fair on them, nor on their future wives and girlfriends.

I daresay you've had cause to say "You know what he's like" to your sons, more than once, perhaps even about the computer keyboard. Yes, they know what he's like, but they also know what you're like, and he's only like it because you choose to stay with him and let him be like this.

Like with the over-large portions of food: if I'm given too many roast potatoes tomorrow, I'll put some back before I pour the gravy over rather than leave them on my plate. If you made a habit of saying "Sorry I think I've got too much here, I'll put some aside and see if I'm still hungry when I've eaten this" maybe he'd get the message. And if he throws a tantrum, then you KNOW you have a far larger problem ...

Also if your DH is on medication for weight loss, why not you and your son? Had you thought of asking what help is available for your son in particular?

Raksha

Princess_kate wrote: »

Sorry to ask but what does the egg help with?

It makes his 'motions' more solid. His underwear was getting very soiled - so much so it was noticible if you stood close to him, and school had noticed it as well. We asked the Drs. for help with this, but they refused to see it as a medical issue, he was referred to the Youth mental health team who couldn't find anything wrong either, so we manage it ourselves and it works.

pigpen

Raksha wrote: »

It makes his 'motions' more solid. His underwear was getting very soiled - so much so it was noticible if you stood close to him, and school had noticed it as well. We asked the Drs. for help with this, but they refused to see it as a medical issue, he was referred to the Youth mental health team who couldn't find anything wrong either, so we manage it ourselves and it works.

Fair enough.. if it works for him.

Has your son considered joining a running club? Drama? Dance? Some martial arts are non-contact tae kwon do springss to mind but I'm not certain.. I'm having a dippy moment. What about other sports.. tennis, squash, lacrosse, basketball.. all are non-contact and he wouldn't have to be scantily clad like swimming so no excuses!!

My son (14) has contact issues with those he knows let alone those he doesn't but he seems to enjoy stuff that has no contact like these.. he won't do swimming either.. because he hates the feel of water.. yes showers are an issue! Mine has the opposite problem he is so painfully thin he looks like he might snap in a breeze!!

margaretclare

Some useful points here. I agree with Pigpen.

Kids are less active now than at any time in history while at the same time they have access to less-nutritious but more-fattening foods in the form of sweet snacks etc everywhere you look.

Joining in team games at school may not be the answer for a sensitive bullied kid. I've been there!!! So, find a sport that he can do where he competes only with himself. Resistance training, jogging, cycling (yes, I know!), swimming, rowing.

The army/air/sea cadets idea is a really good one. Gives them some discipline, interesting activity, personal self-esteem. For a bullied kid, self-esteem is all-important.

HTH