Need help for my 12 year old son

Firefly

This thread makes me sad. It starts with a parent talking about her overweight child and bullying and then we begin to unpick the thread and it reveals:

A child with a genetic diisposition for being large whose parents overfeed him.

Treats are locked away so become forbidden and we all know how tempting forbidden fruits are.

Lunch is not eaten on a regular basis.

Activity is not an healthy part of daily or even weekly routines.

Then we get to the issues of dad being a bully.

Grandfather being a bully.

Current fragmented family relations on maternal and paternal side.

Mum not being able to stand up to dad, even when it comes to the welfare of the children and issues as simple as portion size.

Children not being role modelled how to deal with bullying

Clear bullying issues going into a third generation

anger management strategies not being role modelled or taught

History of encropresis

History of not being able to continue with interests and activites.

Mention of ADHD/ADD possibly due to inconsistent and chaotic parenting which doesn't allow the child an opportunity to make sense of the world around them.

Dad has already "been on the verge of walking out"

Dad refuses to discuss the role he plays in supporting family and has declined therapy

It's very clear that this mum loves her family but she's going to need an awful lot of help and support to manage this.

It's no surprise the child has the issues he does, and to think that he was labelled as being a fat bully! Poor lad.

I do appreciate that my post might sound harsh but I really feel for this child being the one with a label when you look what goes about it and see clearly why he's got the difficultes he has. I really hope this can get sorted and if it were me I'd start by leaving the bully of a husband!

Family therapy to address the family issues may also help but I somehow doubt that Dad will be willing or able to recognise the part he plays in this.

Good luck.

Raksha

Firefly wrote: »

It's no surprise the child has the issues he does, and to think that he was labelled as being a fat bully!

He is not a bully, he is being bullied at school.

I really feel as if I've failed, like I said, I just don't know where to turn to for help........

Firefly

Raksha wrote: »

He is not a bully, he is being bullied at school.

I really feel as if I've failed, like I said, I just don't know where to turn to for help........

Raksha I really feel for you and I can understand why you feel the way you do although it's not justified.

The bullies often in turn become the bullies as a means of control. Was your husband ever bullied?

I'd start with your GP if I were you. Ask for a referral for family therapy so you can face this as a family. Then ask your OH for his support in managing it together. If it isn't forthcoming then you may have some tough choices to make.

Your love and concern for your family is not in question and the best way you can overcome the problem is to face up to the real issues.

Good luck.

pigpen

Actually by highlighting the issues here as firefly has, you could begin by looking at those and delaing with them one at a time or getting the wheels in motion to tackle each one starting with the one/few you feel is/are most pressing.

I think for me the bullying at school, the overeating, the possible ASD and the 'leading by example' for OH. This cycle of bullying must change before your sons think it is normal and treat their wives and children as you have been treated. Some of these are simple to deal with, a referral here some portion limiting there a spot of exercise etc..

Would you and the boys be open to some family counselling/therapy.. OH would probably hate it but I'd be tempted to make it an ultimatum.. come with or leave.. you don't have to mean it.. he has to believe you mean it.

The GP, the anti-bullying co-ordinator at school and the Senco at school are first stops..

Raksha

Yes, OH was bullied, by his Father too (although he still doesn't see that as bullying, he sees it as being a strict parent - never the less, he doesn't speak to his father now) and at school - but he put a stop to that by laying one of them out (he also tells a story about hanging a female friends boyfriend out of the window of their top floor flat because he was mistreating her).

I saw my GP last year about this, and the GP suggested we both go and talk to him - OH was on the verge of walking out then - he flatly refused and was annoyed that I'd even discussed it with our GP.

Firefly

And you still chose to marry this man?

I've added a couple more points to my post.

You need to go to a different GP and ask for some help for yourself.

Raksha

We've been together 16 years, but aren't married. We've been 100% faithful to each other in that time and in every other respect we are 'married' just not on paper.

The idea that he was prepared to take such extreme steps for a friend was actually quite appealing, he's only become so controlling as the boys have got older - when they were younger, he was a great Dad

margaretclare

How on earth can any child get through a full day at school without lunch???

Why do they have to take packed lunches, why not go for school lunch?

Proper meals are essential. Breakfast - some type of porridge, even the kind you make in the microwave! And some form of protein - yes, an egg is good. Lunch - after 3 hours in school a substantial lunch is important, with some veg and some fruit.

The 'treats' that you have to keep locked up - why buy them? What you don't buy they can't eat.

There are many forms of bullying. I agree with all the others, your issues seem to start with your relationship with your OH. And I feel sorry for the kids.

Raksha

They are nearly adults - they choose to take lunch or not.

They won't eat school lunches

Given the choice I wouldn't buy them, but they mostly come from Approved Foods, in bulk and it's a small 'reward' for not going too mad on other stuff. Fruit etc - we just weren't brought up to perceive fruit as rewarding.

Do you think I don't feel sorry for my kids? It sounds as if you are blaming me this is hard enough without comments like that thank you.

Shandella

Hello Raksha,

I'm sorry that your having such a rough time at the moment. Just a couple of things that might help, you mentioned in one of your earlier posts that your son had spoken to the connexions team at his school, i would try them again or one of the connexions based outside your school. They can be very helpful and can have a link into other areas of youth services. Most schools have a youth worker attached to the school, you could see what they can offer, he may benefit from joining a youth club or youth council.

Have you looked at the website Parentline Plus. There is lots of useful information on here and there is a freephone helpline that you can ring and speak to someone who can advise and listen.

With regard to the "fat gene", I have one as well as does my youngest son who is 3 (my 5yo has not an ounce of fat on him). It is hard but I agree with the other replies don't buy the junk food then they can't have it.

You need to try and curb his love of the junk before it gets completely out of control, I read somewhere that sugar sticks to the inside of your intestines for about 3 days which is why you crave sweet food, if you stopped the suguary food for 3 days after this time the cravings will (hopefully) go - I'm not sure how true this is!!!

Hope some of this helps.