Need help for my 12 year old son

Snuggles

Raksha wrote: »

They are nearly adults - they choose to take lunch or not.

They won't eat school lunches

Given the choice I wouldn't buy them, but they mostly come from Approved Foods, in bulk and it's a small 'reward' for not going too mad on other stuff. Fruit etc - we just weren't brought up to perceive fruit as rewarding.

Do you think I don't feel sorry for my kids? It sounds as if you are blaming me this is hard enough without comments like that thank you.

12 years old is not nearly an adult. If you want to make sure they have a healthy lunch, then make it for them, it's simple.

I don't understand your comment about fruit being rewarding, do you mean you don't see it as a treat and don't have it often? It doesn't have to be a treat, it should just be part of your daily diet.

Stop feeling sorry for your kids and take action!

Raksha

You don't want to know what actions are going through my mind at the moment

LondonDiva

Reading the very helpful suggestions on the thread, no one is blaming you - what they are pointing out is that you and no one else are his mother & you need to step up and make proactive decisions about your son's future now. As well as making those decisions, you will also need to take responsibility for other areas of your life which (from what you've posted) seem to be adversely affecting the rest of your family and home life as well.

Just because there were some blunt truths about the fact that you can't continue to be a passive observer (and helpful suggestions for dealing with this) while bemoaning everything that's going wrong doesn't mean that there's no sympathy.

However, tea and sympathy haven't got you and your son very far at the moment and I think given the background info you've given that before going anywhere near a diagnosis of ADD etc that you need to look at the more likely things that you have control over (even if you don't actually want to admit it) which may be a root cause or which could address it, before considering medication etc. In other words ~
Be a parent.

For example, even if your OK will not consider family counselling, why can't you / you and your sons attend to work through the issues you are experiencing?

Raksha

It's a known fact that the best way to fail a diet is to 'ban' favourite foods. This is why we have small stocks of favourites. I am not talking about huge bars of chocolate !!!!!!, I mean mini bite chocolate brownies, flakes (one of the lower calorie chocolate bars), malt loaf, turkish delight (low in fat), flapjacks etc. We only buy 'diet' drinks, and mostly drink sparkling water with NAS high juice squash.

If I made them lunch, they wouldn't eat it (peer pressure and bullying at school). And yes, this has been discussed with school.

Thanks to all those who appreciate the position I am in. To those whose best advice is 'stop feeling sorry for your kids and take action' - who do you suggest I contact at 11.45 on a Sunday morning? Samaritans? At the moment, yes, that is what I feel driven to.

thorsoak

Hi Raksha - you seem to think that you're being given a bit of a hard time on here at the moment!

The advice you have been given is good - you can choose whether or not to take it - that is up to you. You've given many reasons/excuses as to why you cannot take it - but they all seem to come down in one direction - that OH doesn't like it - or do you not like it?

I've taken a look at the Approved Foods website - thinking that it would be a good one to bookmark - but frankly - apart from brown basmati rice - it is all RUBBISH!! Cheap, yes - but not nutritionally desirable. If OH is choosing to buy that - leave it for him to eat - your boys certainly don't need sugar-laden cereals and ready-mixed package foods Approved by whom, I wonder?? Don't waste your money on it - buy them fresh fruit - as part of their diet, not treats instead!

Money_maker

Raksha wrote: »

I really feel as if I've failed, like I said, I just don't know where to turn to for help........

But no one is going to come along and solve all your problems, most of them you can sort out. Come on now, we're back to obstacles. Please try re-reading this thread. Theres lots of information in here that will help you to sort out yourself and your son.

Lunches - if he doesnt take packed lunch they he's either eating something you know nothing about or pigging out after school, not just a slice of toast. He needs 3 meals and no snacks as he's not particularly burning any calories up. Breakfast, lunch and dinner with water to fill in any gaps. All sensibly portioned.

He needs no 'treats'. They are not rewards - they make him fat and rot his teeth. Try parental praise or perhaps a trip out somewhere. Bowling, cinema - these are treats not manufacured sugars.

There will be no magic wand waving, only you can make this happen. But I dont think you will. You have dismissed all the good suggestions in this thread and put obstacles in front of them. Your OH wont change. You need to do this for you and your son then just maybe your OH will realise things need to be different. Your failure to act will ensure your son follows the trends set by his parents and theirs before them. What hope has he got - only you.

And I'm really sorry this sounds harsh but your response to this will justify whether its worth any further suggestions on this thread or whether its a brick wall situation.

I really do wish you all the best - if you were a friend of mine then I would give the same advice and help to support you all the way to the end.

Snuggles

Raksha wrote: »

Thanks to all those who appreciate the position I am in. To those whose best advice is 'stop feeling sorry for your kids and take action' - who do you suggest I contact at 11.45 on a Sunday morning? Samaritans? At the moment, yes, that is what I feel driven to.

Raksha I didn't mean you should contact anyone, I meant that you needed to take action instead of only seeing obstacles. I'm sorry if it sounded harsh, I was just trying to say that things won't change unless you actually do something.

It seems you just can't see a way forward at all, and don't believe there is a solution, and I'm sorry you feel that way as it must be very hard. I have felt that way before myself, when I was suffering from depression. Without wishing to add to your problems, could this be an issue?

Firefly

Rashka, contacting the Samaritans may be a good idea so do it. They will allow you to talk and talk and talk for as long as you need and won't make you feel judged.

I'm very sure it is not the intention of anyone who has posted here to do that but you are allowing iit to happen because of your sensitivity to criticism demonstrating your low self esteem.

By talking to the Samaritans it might allow you to 'name' some of the feelings you have, put them into a real space and manage them effectively.

Give them a call. Samaritans aren't just for those who are feeling suicidal.

LondonDiva

Raksha wrote: »

To those whose best advice is 'stop feeling sorry for your kids and take action' - who do you suggest I contact at 11.45 on a Sunday morning? Samaritans? At the moment, yes, that is what I feel driven to.

The below is meant to be helpful if it's a case that you truly don't know where to start, and looking at your location -

Freetime MK is a huge collection of activities, courses and things to do for young people, aged up to 19 years, that run at different times through-out the year.: http://www.mysaymk.com/positiveactivities/DisplayArticle.asp?ID=66999

Young people's activities in MK: http://www.mysaymk.com/positiveactivities/home.asp

Rugby: http://www.mkrufc.com/DesktopDefault.aspx

Counselling: http://www.mkweb.co.uk/voluntary/DisplayArticle.asp?ID=1738; www.farthing-house.org.uk

Bored? Looking for something to do? Check out what's on at your nearest youth centre, from sports to arts and photography, dance, music and drama!

With Milton Keynes youth centres and club activities starting from only 50p a session, it's a great way to try out something new whilst getting to know other young people who live nearby

Activities covered in sessions are often decided by young people themselves so even if you don't see an activity you're interested in mentioned on the webpages below, it's worth ringing the centre to see what's currently on: http://www.mysaymk.com/positiveactivities/DisplayArticle.asp?ID=67521

Would you like to do some Volunteering? Got some spare time? Want to learn new skills? Need experience? Bored in the holidays? Enjoy being active? Want to use your skills to help others?: http://www.mysaymk.com/positiveactivities/DisplayArticle.asp?ID=58516

Or if you'd like to get in touch with the Youth Service direct on any other matter, please call 01908 253691 or email [EMAIL="youth.services@milton-keynes.gov.uk"]youth.services@milton-keynes.gov.uk[/EMAIL]

Alternatively, if you're looking to contact the Positive Activities for Young People team, please contact Lisa Lovell on [EMAIL="lisa.lovell@milton-keynes.gov.uk"]lisa.lovell@milton-keynes.gov.uk[/EMAIL] or call 01908 695583.


Samaritans: We offer our service by telephone, email, letter and face to face in most of our branches 08457 90 90 90 in the UK; [EMAIL="jo@samaritans.org"]jo@samaritans.org[/EMAIL]
Write to us:
Chris,
P.O. Box 90 90,
Stirling,
FK8 2SA

Hope this helps

Shandella

Raksha, we all feel fragile and vulnerable at some point in our lives and when advice is offered we can take it as a negative rather than a positive. Though some comments on here may come across as harsh, it is probably what most people would say to a friend if they came to them with the same kind of problems.

Have you spoken to any of your friends about this and what have they suggested.

With my two children, I have a piece of paper with five pieces of fruit and veg on it and two treats e.g. bag of crisps, choc, ice cream etc. At the end of each day i get them to colour in the amount of fruit or veg they have had, if they can colour in five pieces then they get to choose which two treats they can have the following day.

I know you son is too old to do something as uncool as colouring in but maybe you could adjust it to suit him.

x