Need help for my 12 year old son

Molly41

Try MEND programme. I did it with my DS3 when he had a hip injury and put on weight because of inactivity. Its a really good programme and can be very subtly integrated into your life. One very small step at a time. It works!

xmaslolly76

Hi Raksha Sorry to hear your son is having such a bad time of it.

I picked up on one of your replys that you are hiding the treats so the kids dont just help themselves. I stopped that one by just not buying the stuff there is always fresh fruit in the house and if i think they have earned a treat we will go to the local shop and buy them a packet of sweets or crisps. I'm afraid my kids are the type that if it is there they will eat it until its gone so this was a quick and easy solution to the problem :-)

busiscoming2

OP although I realised I made the portions too big, this was excaserbated (sp) by my oh who used to stuff junk in between meals; come in from work and have 6 biscuits etc! rather than something more healthy. It was only because I kept asking him when did he think he was going to have his heart attack that the penny finally dropped for him (and the fact he couldn't buy shirts on the high street). So he has put himself on a healthy diet, which has helped my ds as well. Do you ever all sit and watch the 'fat families' type of programme, because I think that has the drip, drip effect too.
You say your oh is on diet pills, thensurely he has a healthy eating plan too? He would be the perfect role model for the children now.
You should allow the boys to ride their bikes. What is the point of them otherwise?
Has oh not got a bike too, he could get one from freecycle and show willing.
Even walking more is good exercise.
Do you have a games console with exercise games, we have a wii fit and can thoroughly recommend the wii fit plus. I hate exercise but find this is fun.

My oh sounds a bit like yours re: the bullying. I got to a point where I just told him he was a bully and wasn't going to put up with him wanting it all his own way. It took a while but I was quite surprised how lacking in confidence he is and it seems to be just his way of appearing to be in control.
Tell him - you may be surprised.

busiscoming2

As xmaslolly says if you don't buy rubbish they can't eat it.

RedBern

lots of good advice already - but think about getting new dinner plates - smaller ones so that you then get smaller portions. Still get a plate full - just smaller plates.

Regarding the exercise problem - I'd echo the boxing idea - your son doesn't have to fight anyone but could go along for the training and the self protection would be an added bonus.

Tell your OH he can take him to boxing and shift some of this own aggression as well.

Gingham_Ribbon

Raksha wrote: »

He's a bright lad - was in the G & T scheme in junior school. He's sometimes on a different planet at home - you can ask him to do something, but unless he really sees a point in doing it, it will go in one ear and out the other - he loves computer games and enjoys being a part of the team when playing them with his friends on line.

I'm not sure what help I can give him at home, I'm out of my depth, and I do have some understanding of behavioural therapy. He's been in touch with Connexions through school, but he says all they do is encourage him to talk about it - nobody seems to be giving him the tools he needs to deal with these issues

The NAGC can. They have some very good advisors who can help with bullying, anxiety, frustration and anger among other things.

I don't think they'll be taking calls till Monday, but do phone them for advice. You may finally get the help you need.

Savvy_Sue

Another thought Raksha: you're hoping for ideas you won't have thought of, because you've discounted all the ideas you've had, and so far all the ones we've had too.

What are you going to do if you don't get any ideas which you think will work? Are you going to try some of the ones you don't think will work, or let this carry on?

Granted, the NAGC might be able to help, but it's not going to happen overnight.

Now, you can't change your OH, but you can change yourself. You can let him carry on bullying you, and sapping your self-confidence in the process, or you can take his 'advice' for your son and stand up for yourself, and incidentally for your son too.

If your OH doesn't want to do things as a family, go when he's working, or leave him at home - I think I remember you saying elsewhere that he works shifts. You said this son that you're most worried about loved going geocaching - are you saying he can't go because your OH doesn't want to?

Work out how to get the bikes through the house without creating a mess - presumably they could be carried rather than wheeled if that's a problem, and they could be cleaned quickly before coming back to the shed. (Mind you, DS3 thinks I'm being unreasonable for objecting when he takes the wheels off his bike in the lounge! but I can't say I've noticed more mess from the inner tubes he's left in DS1's bedroom than there was before.)

You're the adult here, you can do things differently, and if your OH won't be told, you have to consider what's more important, letting him carry on as he is or supporting your son.

tandraig

Raksha - one way to deal with overbearing bullies like your OH, is to agree with everything they say then ignore it and do what you want!
so they throw thier dummies out of the pram - laugh and say ohhhh diddums.
when it comes to your kids - you do NOT need his permission to get them tested for ADD or ADHD - you dont tell him!
unless he is physically abusive - there are ways to deal with mental cruelty (because that is what it is) mine is to listen, agree, then do what i want anyway.
no-one can put you down unless you let them - but to do that, first you have to believe in yourself, your own self worth. then you work out your coping strategy, if you want divorce then you go down that route, if you dont want divorce - then dont become a doormat and allow your kids to suffer - thats unforgivable. you work out HOW you get around the little tyrant and that I am afraid is up to you - you know him best!

Raksha

Thanks so much peeps. I think I've got 'comfortable' with the bullying - my Dad was the same, as was my first husband.

I did tell him this afternoon that sulking and throwing a temper tantrum because I reminded him he had said he would make a cup of tea at 4.30, and then didn't want to because he'd been watching a programme on Pearl Harbour for 90 mins and was going to miss the end was purely childish - that is what Sky + is for!

He's now sitting downstairs watching TV on his own, because none of us want to be bullied into watching what he wants to watch. He seems to think it's acceptable that I should never watch Casualty when he's at home because he finds it boring, and for years that made sense - but why shouldn't I if there is nothing on that he wants to watch?

Money_maker

Good on you girl although I fear the problem with your husband will be harder to resolve than that with your son.