I want to want children, anyone else the same?

bratz81

I haven't read the whole thread (only up to page4!) but felt I had to post.
I'm 28, 29 in 3 weeks and I have no desire to have children. Never have to be honest. Oh I know someday I might want children, so I'm not saying never, but so far I've been happy with the thought of never having children.

I'm with a loving partner who I want to be with forever, and still, nope, no desire to have kids. And I'll be honest it really p**ses me off that some people (mainly women might I add) feel the need to comment on MY decision to have or not have children. Oh, you'll want them soon enough, oh, you'll want them when you meet the right man, oh all women want children, oh it's a rite of passage to have children. Maybe for some people but not everyone.

If I don't want children, I don't see how that is 'weird' or 'selfish' as so many people imply. It's MY choice and to the OP, it should be your choice too. Please don't rush into such a big decision because your friends are doing it.

Someday you might want children, then go for it. Or you might not, which is also ok.
To the poster who thinks our whole purpose is to reproduce - that's quite ridiculous! As if that's the only reason I was put on this earth, to churn out yet more children the world doesn't need. My purpose here on earth is to make a difference for the positive in the lives of others...

minerva_windsong

On the topic of liking kids more/thinking about having them once other people around you start having them:

I'm 23 and about five years ago would have said I didn't want children, as I wasn't great around them - I worked on a supermarket checkout when I was in sixth form, and when mums came through with young babies I would really struggle to interact with them because I didn't know what to do, and all the other girls and women were really at ease with them and I just felt awkward.

However, both my sisters now have children - one has a three year old and the other has an almost four month old - and since they were born I've become much more at ease around young kids, with things like playing with my eldest nephew and reading him stories in particular. I think having that regular interaction with them helps, but equally I'm happy just being an auntie for the time being - I don't definitely want children but now I know I can cope with them OK I feel less against the idea.

That said, I'm a firm believer that having children doesn't make you superior to anyone who doesn't have children, and vice versa, and that you shouldn't have to have kids if you don't want to and that having children (or not) should stop you from doing anything you want to in life.

Hermia

minerva_windsong wrote: »

On the topic of liking kids more/thinking about having them once other people around you start having them:

That actually made me realise that I definitely didn't want kids! The more people around me have them the more I realise it's not for me. I recently spent a day babysitting my friend's charming, sweet and funny little girl and have never been more certain it's not for me.

scooterpig

Interesting thread!

I am 32 and have been married for 12 years. I've known all along I didn't want children, hubby felt the same way. A few years ago I was very ill, and while they were doing all the tests it was pointed out that the treatment for the illness could well make me infertile. That was a bit of a wake-up call for us to really think about what we wanted.

We really thought about things and realised that we'd been right about not wanting children all along. It was good all the same to really challenge our assumptions and we were (and are) very happy with our decision. During my treatment I was advised that I should never have children as it would do irreparable harm to my health - stupidly though, I couldn't get a hysterectomy (which would have been a valid choice as part of my treatment) as that was against NHS policy for that trust!

I have some friends who've had children - one is pretty crazy at the best of times and I think she's got worse since having her son. I have to say, my friends who don't have children seem to have much more varied and fulfilled lives than those who do, and also seem much happier.

I think the OP perhaps feels guilty about not wanting kids, as there's definitely still an expectation out there that you should. Don't feel guilty - it's just as valid a life choice as becoming a parent.

Fizzpop

mumslave wrote: »

I am a mum of 4 and I never wanted children. I had an interesting childhood, was quite an abhorrent teen and figured me mothering someone would not be a good idea. However things happened and my first born arrived. It took having a child to know I wanted them.

I would say, obviously, that I dont recommend giving that a go! You are mid twenties, same as me and still have all the time in the world to have children. Think of how different you are as a person now, than when you were say 18...we change all the time. In a few years time, you may discover your feelings have changed and you do want them. There is no rush and if they dont change there is nothing wrong with that either.

I am not one of these that thinks its odd for a woman to not want children. They are hard work, the hardest work I have ever known and for some women, they feel they lose all identity of themselves through becoming a mother. Enjoy your time now and when you are a bit older, reevaluate.

Im soon to be a mum of 4 and when i was younger i liked the idea of children but wasnt sure if i wanted one.

But like the lady i quoted it took having a baby to realise tat yes it was something i wanted x

LilacPixie

I have 2 and a 3rd and final baby looming in the not too distant future. I am not maternal, babies do not make me gooey inside. My husband wanted kids, i was not fussed TBH then I had a health scare at 24 and it was a case of if you want a family sooner rather than later. Our hand was forced and i'm glad i have my kids but i'm still not maternal or any of that.

sparkle76

Hi Lilacpixie, I think a situation like that would def make you review your thoughts on what you wanted out of life and clearly it helped you make a decision. I think some people are naturally maternal, with anyone's kids sort of thing, others not at all, and others only when they have kids themselves... I only never thought of myself that way because I was told I wasn't by my mum, then ironically when she was diagnosed with cancer (in recovery now thankfully), the first thing I thought was how heartbreaking of she never met a grandchild of ours. Now 2 years on it's happening, so kind of feels like it's for a reason. She has been very down since treatment and I hope that a new life in the family will bring back her spark.

ulster_exile

I never wanted kids and have never had any massive maternal urges, apart from the odd one or two when I've held a baby recently or been around my nephews. I may not instinctively know how to handle a baby or toddler but have found myself to be good when I have tried.

When I agreed to marry my husband, it was on the understanding that I might never want kids but also that he might - we said we'd talk about it in 10 years time and reassess our situation. That was 10 years ago. 5 years ago he came to me and said we didn't need to have that talk as he never wanted them; he was happy with our life.

Then this year he started getting broody and when we moved house 3 months ago he told me that we either had a baby or got divorced. it turns out that he was seeing a pregnant woman but didn't tell me until just over a month ago. Unfortunately, by the time he told me, I'd been stressing about having a baby as he was pressuring me and I knew something was wrong in our marriage and think that I might have been in the right place to consider it truly. I even texted him baby names. He dumped me 3 days afterwards (though he'd already agreed to go to ante natal classes with her the day before I texted him the baby names).

So now I have no husband (and his new partner is due in January) and no prospect of a baby and all I can think about is what I have lost in addition to him. I've lost my chance of having a child. I'm 33. Not over the hill certainly, but think it is unlikely I'll ever meet another man I can trust or love and I'm not much of a catch in the first place.

I'd rather not feel anything about kids ever again. I'm trying to bury all those feelings I've had so that I don't have to face them again and I can be happy without them but now that I've thought of it, babies are all I can see or hear about.

sparkle76

So sorry ulster I don't even know what to say, can't imagine what you are going through tight now and what a b*astard he is to do that for you. Big hugs x

no1catman

What a refreshing change - where posters are not thought of as weird for not wanting children.
When I was (much) younger, I used to worry about having to get married if I got a girl pregnant. I one girl wanted two condoms!
My older brother & sister both have children, could never see what the fuss was about - 'oh isn't he beautiful' well no actually - all babies look like Winston Churchill!
And, to be in a supermarket when some kid is 'creating' - I either have the urge to say 'oh shut up', or especially with crying babies - make a quick detour elsewhere!
Fortunatley, my partner felt exactly the same way, only snag - neighbours one side have recently had a baby ...........