Reformed shopaholic? please can you give me the benefit of your advice

Souk08

OOh and SA, at least you wear all your stuff! Maybe it's a matter of buying a few cheap accesories and getting the wear out of what you have, rather than buying more. This should stop the guilt and the spending. Otherwise maybe set yourself a rule that if you sell/swap stuff then you can get new but not otherwise?

I know it's hard and you're doing really well and there's more emotional stuff to it. Have read the posts about you replacing shopping with other stuff but you don't know what. Do you have plenty of friends where you are who you could do stuff that's not shopping with? X

morocha

salesaddict wrote: »

I really feel for you. You are away from your family as well as the city.
You must really love him.

i do !:o although with his deppresion our relationship is complicated... he does compromise when we go on hols tho, we choose malaga as it is near to the beach in a quiet place but lots of shops around.. and if i need retail therapy...malaga town in only 30 min away:D.
I am going home this year !!! i will be paying off my little debt in march... and by next winter here ( summer there) i will say goodbye ...off to see the sunshine for 3 weeks me thinks !...

NGlady

Ooo three weeks in the sunshine sounds rather lovely Morocha! Where is home? Im guessing Australia? If so, what the devil u doing here lol.

salesaddict

morocha wrote: »

i do !:o although with his deppresion our relationship is complicated... he does compromise when we go on hols tho, we choose malaga as it is near to the beach in a quiet place but lots of shops around.. and if i need retail therapy...malaga town in only 30 min away:D.
I am going home this year !!! i will be paying off my little debt in march... and by next winter here ( summer there) i will say goodbye ...off to see the sunshine for 3 weeks me thinks !...

Thats a coincidence Morocha, my dh suffers from depression and is battling a drink problem. Even though we have been together 30 years and have 2 beautiful children, our relationship is still very complicated.
That's wonderful that you have got the 3 weeks to look forward to this year and a lovely holiday too:A

salesaddict

Souk08 wrote: »

OOh and SA, at least you wear all your stuff! Maybe it's a matter of buying a few cheap accesories and getting the wear out of what you have, rather than buying more. This should stop the guilt and the spending. Otherwise maybe set yourself a rule that if you sell/swap stuff then you can get new but not otherwise?

I know it's hard and you're doing really well and there's more emotional stuff to it. Have read the posts about you replacing shopping with other stuff but you don't know what. Do you have plenty of friends where you are who you could do stuff that's not shopping with? X

Thats the thing, I have a few very close friends who I can speak to freely and spend time with if I want to. I have a wider circle of friends who don't know the real me and would be amazed at what I am really like behind the clothes, shoes, handbags etc. I have a wonderful husband (despite his problems) two beautiful well adjusted children and a loving extended family.
Yet still there is something at the very core of me that is totally unfulfilled. I don't know whether it is spiritual or emotional or a mixture of those two things and more.
Of course I know that the compulsive shopping is a sympton of this. All I can say is that I feel more in control today. Just come back from Aldis and
Tescos and I don't feel uneasy. I feel I bought what was needed and I didn't overspend.:)

salesaddict

Souk08 wrote: »

My ex wanted us to live in a tumbledown house in the middle of nowhere with loads of animals and kids running around. All I could think was that I'd end up feeding chickens in my frocks! Needless to say it didn't last. I live right in the city centre and I don't know where he is (he wasn't British)

Oh Souk, you had a very lucky escape there. When I think of you in your beautiful Coast outfits collecting the breakfast eggs, it doesn't bear thinking about:)

salesaddict

ajharris wrote: »

You did not mention whether or not you are in debt, if you like shopping and are spending your own money then this is the lesser of two evils. Assuming that you are in debt as a result of your shoping passion then you need to draw up a budget or get some advice if you are in debt crisis.

When you have money and can afford things that you see then you can take them or leave them. However when you do not have money then you seem to want more things which you really do not need. I save money religiously and have no debts, although on ocasions I do overspend I do not have the urge to go on big shopping sprees.

I have a limited knowledge of your situation so therefore can only offer limited advice. One very important thing to remember is that if for example you buy a pair of shoes for £70 on a credit card and you do not clear the balance at the end of the month then those shoes are no longer £70.

HI, thanks for posting.
Yes I do take on board all you say about the true cost of a bargain on a high interest credit card. My financial situation was perilous to say the least due to my dh losing his business a year ago and my high spending on the credit cards. Not just my spending actually but the result of living beyond our means for many years. We have consolidated our debts under one mortgage. I am very conscious that this is not an mse thing to do. However because of my dh's depression and drink problems I need some breathing space to stay in our home and restructuring our finances seemed to be the best way to do this. I am also very conscious that we both need to change our attitude to saving and spending NOW. This feels like our last chance as we are middle aged and we have been very frivolous all our lives. I have to acknowledge that my shopping problems are longstanding and I have not had any epiphany where I can change over night. I am just doing my best each day and trying to carry on if I do fail.
Sorry for the rambling post:o

ejbg2001

I just found your thread and it made me think about the journey I have gone through (and am still going through and probably will always be on).

I had a very poor but loved childhood and buying something was a treat. Even food was a luxury. When I got my first Saturday job, I'd buy food treats (luxuries like coleslaw, salami, non-standard things) and hide them from my siblings. My mum is a spendaholic too, splurging when she was in deep depression, so I know what role-model I had.

Once I started working properly and earning I had several challenges that helped me manage. One job paid me every 4 weeks rather than monthly... and ofc bills need paying monthly.. So I set up 2 bank accounts (it was mentioned earlier in the thread), one that the money went into and the second that the bills came out of. This meant that I had the spending money (for food etc) separated and couldn't spend bill money as it was already paid. I think this has saved me so much trouble over the years.

However, I also discovered overdrafts and loans and spent on clothes, books and food. When I had my lbm I was £31000 in debt and had a mortgage of £19000... I owed more unsecured than I owed on my house...

Having no access to other forms of credit (and there was no way I would borrow from family or friends, even if they had the money either) I had to go for a DM plan. This still didn't change my shopping habits much, just meant I had less to spend when I did...

I can remember when our local BHS closed down..... I went in with my debit card and cc and spent £300.... I told myself (and ex-oh) that 1 - The clothes fitted me (I am a petite and finding clothes that fit properly is OMG!) 2 - I needed the clothes to start a new job and we needed new towels and 3 - I was getting fantastic bargains (a suit of jacket, trousers, skirt and waistoat in petite, 2 other jackets, 2 shirts, several sets of underwear and a pair of shoes all in my size, all for £60). My ex-oh was not impressed.

Due to a reorganisation of my debts (needed a new roof) I consolidated and had "no debts" except my larger mortgage. You can see how this appealed to me...

The next time I looked up, I had £1500 racked up on the cc again... My culprits are clothes, especially Primani, crafts and whatever hobby is ruling my life at that moment. So taking strength from MSE I de-cluttered my toiletries (as I don't tend to use much, I had hoarded loads).

I have lots of makeup that I hardly ever use, but I love playing with it occasionally (like a kid), so I'm not going to throw it away, but I have made myself an informal promise not to buy more (won a free sample of a Max Factor mascara so felt REALLY good about not spending £10+ on it) and I found I had 3 full roll-ons that I didn't normally use as I had been buying stick deodorant. I haven't bought another one till I use the roll-ons this year.

Clothing was really difficult until I tried this trick... Go to Primani at the busiest time. Set yourself a mental budget (say £20) and pick up a basket. Think about the items you think you need and try and manage them against the budget. So for example I wanted a jumper at £13 but I also wanted a skirt at £10. I'd haggle with myself till I decided which one I "REALLY" wanted and put it in the basket. I'd have a further look round till I got to my limit. THEN I'd look at the length of the queue....

Barnsley Primani is a VERY busy shop... if the queue stretches several times round the shop, or I'd have to stand in line for more than 5 mins (whichever was longer) then I would think "Is this £20 of stuff worth my time standing in this queue?" 5 times I have tried this and 5 times I have walked out without buying anything...

Crafting magazines and craft supplies were another waekness. Now I am more canny. I have 2 (and only 2) on subscription, so I get the thrill of the postman, and I can look at em in the shops and say "nowt there I haven't already got". With supplies, I am slowly getting into the habit of saying to myself "Have I got this, do I need this and can I make do without it?" If you are a true crafter, you can usually make something with what you have without having to buy it (mostly).

Finally, I have recently started going into clothes shops again and looking at them in a different light. I have set myself a challenge to make clothes this year. So I go into a shop and look at the clothes and think "OK, how do I make something like this? How have they done it and what about it do I like or not like?" As I am a non-standard size I keep thinking of the things I have bought that look great, but def don't fit. I have a lovely dress I bought off ebay a while back, that is too long in the body and I am hoping I'll have the skills to alter it (it would cost me twice as much to have it professionally altered). I am completing (partly by hand) a handbag made from an old pair of ex-oh jeans (and boy does THAT feel good, cutting em up LOL!) and finishing a cross-stitch picture for my current oh that was for Valentines day (we couldn't be together, I'm hoping to finish it before we can get together again...poss Easter).

Another tip is if you work near shops.... don't go out at lunch lol and go straight home afterwards. I make instant mash with stuff for lunch or a sarnie or leftovers and read forums, or a book, or cross-stitch till its time to go back to work.

I always have to fight my urge to spend on food (mmmm cheeeeese...) and I'm reasonably successful when I take my list and food plan, but I know when I go without a guide... ohhhh boy! Before budgeting I used to spend £70-90 pw on food, now its a max of £50 a fortnight.

Taking up a hobby def helps if you find the weekend empty, or decide to do a challenge while out walking with kids... e.g. see how many different kinds of birds you can all see while you are out... or how many different shaped leaves... or if you are at home, help kids make things out of empty boxes etc. You might feel less like wanting to fill your time with shops, and the kids, well one of my happiest memories was sitting at my nan's, with a pair of scissors and an egg box trying to make a seat for my Sindy doll that I'd seen on Blue Peter.

I hope that some of these ideas (if they haven't been mentioned before) help and keep up the good work guys. I know its a hard slog and I'm glad you all know how I feel.

Btw.... I like Mr M's own brand Frazzles... 2packs x 10bags for £2!

ejbg2001

SA, I know what you mean about consolidation. Its not the best but sometimes its the only way to make it manageable or achieveable. And you have the support of people on here when you are good and when you slip a little...

Souk08

Interesting ladies and yes it was a lucky escape. X