Help! Oh childs mum continually breaking contact order + emotional abuse

neneromanova

kazza1000 wrote: »

Thanks. We've thought about that but it would only be OH son losing out if we did and really feel that it would only escalate the situation even more.

Anyway, she would only then be giong to her mum and getting money off her and sayig that my OH isn't giving her enough. She already does this. Tells her mum that he won't pay fr school uniforms etc and gets her mum to give her oney for these things as well - so 2 bites at the cherry.

You say that, but when her money starts dropping and she can't go out all the time like she used to then she might start thinking a bit better. Also tell the mother that you are doing this. It's a sad sad day when a mother is scared of their children.

Also, when you go to pick the children up, could you not bring someone from SS round to she them what she is like for themselves? Also mention to them do they want another Baby P case or the woman who killed both her kids and slit her wrists on their hands?! See if they do anything then

dueyb

Hi sorry to hear the awful situation, don't know if this would help but if your OH picked up his son could he not take a small dictaphone or even mobile phones have a recording device and record the abuse as proof for SS.

mummy_Jay

kazza1000 wrote: »

I just can't imagine that they would expect the mother to be fearful every time she had to be in contact with someone verbally attacking her on a regular basis. They probably would really have stepped up by now and done something to prevent it (probably by drastically reducing Oh contact). Do you think I'm right in thinking this? maybe that is something we should be pointing out to them and the court.

I hate to say this but they will put the mother in this position, will give access to a man who has, violently abused the mother, written and openly admits to wanting to kill/harm his child. BUt I'm going off topic. The only thing i have learnt from family court is how hit and miss it is, it depends on which county your in and which judge you get, some will be adament about fathers rights regardless, some will look out for the child and some will be all for the mother, its a complete lottery as it revolved around someones emotioal preference to how they percive what is presented to them.

Your in a horrid position and the only thing I can think of is have you/OH spoken to his school? They will be aware of his poor attendance but may be able to shed some light on what happens to this poor kid in the week and if you make them aware of the other concerns will watch for any signs of issues more closely.

red_devil

kazza1000 wrote: »

I am wondering if anyone can give us advice please? I will keep as short as poss but is ongoing for 6 years and there is alot of backgound.

Over 6 years ago(before I knew my OH) he was told that a girl he had a one night stand with was pregnant. He got in contact with her and from baby was born was always a brilliant dad to him, supportive both financially and seeing his son a lot. He would have baby sat at least 2 evenings during the week, going to his sons house after working 12 hour shifts and staying up til 2/3 in the morning while the mum went out and then having to get up for work at 6am and also having him to stay over with him at weekends. So has always been a responsible dad. But he has always had major trouble with the mum and her demands and temper. They have never been in a relationship.

I met my OH when the child was 13 months old. I have two boys,now age 12 and 9 (their dad died when they were very little) and we now have a little girl together age 2.

From I 1st met my OH the mum has always been very volatile. APart from mad screaming fits at my OH we have also put up with lots of attention seeking, she may have cancer, she may be pregnant, she has an ulcer that will kill her if it burtsts if one of us doesn't take her to hospital immediately etc etc etc.

My OH and I started living together after about 8 months (very quick I know but it just worked! ) and from then the child spent about 40% of his time with us. We moved house shortly after so he would have his own room and also would live a bit closer to his mums house and would make all the picking up etc a bit easier.

Anyway the tempers (very often in front of the child)etc have always continued except when she wants something and then it all nicey nicey.

In Jan 2007 she suddenly decided she was cutting my OH contact with his son to every other Sat night (from approx 3 nights per week). My OH didn't agree and ended up in court, welfare reports etc and it was agreed he should have him every thursday from after school until 6pm (he was in nursery by then), 3 weekends out of 4 and half the school holidays.

My OH has never broken or changed this agreement and his son is very happy. He has a great weekend routine of BB on a Fri evening and rugby on Sat morning with my boys (who he considers to be his brothers).
However his mum has never been happy with the contact my OH was given by the court and always goes out of her way to be difficult. We have been back to court now about 5 times in 3 years, more welfare reports etc. She has always shouted at us that she will do whatever it takes to have it changed and believe me she has tried ( has accused me of assaulting the child when I was 35 weeks pregnant, has denied my OH contact for a full 6 weeks saying that he is not good for the child, has accused my boys of bullying etc etc).

My OH has always had concerns that his son is being emotionally abused by his mum, has discussed this with SS many times but they have no proof and have other priorities. His mum has admitted to them that she has on many occassions verbally abused my OH in front of his son (she can really be very intimidationg when she does this) but says she just can't help it. So, SS have advised my OH that if he feels she is likely to be volatile he should not do the pick ups himself but that I shoud go, thereby diffusing any conflict.

TThis has really helped and most of last year things were working really well. She was being polite and even friendly, phoning me any time she had problems to talk about them etc and even wanted to baby sit for our little girl so OH and I could get a night out (we very tactfully declined!)
But at the same tme she also wanted us to pay a rental deposit on a house she wanted to move into (again!)and buy her a car. We simply couldn't afford to and when she relised this has turned nasty again (my OH already gives her 3 times what CSA asays he should, none of which she declares to Income Support plus we gaive her extra money for school uniforms, bedroom furniture, days out, clothes etc)

So from September my OH has been denied lots of his contact plus she is refusing to let the child come at all if my OH does not personally collect him. Tis puts him right in the firing line of being verbally attacked in front of his son who is now 6 and SS do not want this but he has had no choice or he would not be able to see him.

2 Fridays ago when he was collecting his son she asked him to come into the house, said child wanted to talk to him. Child was sitting on sofa but did not want to talk so she shouted at him to hurry up and tell dad what he wanted. He then said that he thought he wanted to see daddy less and only come to his house every other week. My OH told him that he would talk to him about that when he got home. His mum said, You see, I told you daddy would say that. When my OH said that the child should not be in this position she lost her temper and started shouting and saying terrible things. Child started crying and my OH carried him out to the car.
He then spoke to NSPCC (who have given him great advice on several occassion). Thsy did a direct referral to SS and there should now be another full investigation. In meantime they have said that OH should not under any circumstances go to collect the child but that I should go. So I i did this last Friday but she refused to let child come with me. Solicitor has now filed paperwork with the court for proceedings but this will take weeks ( and we really, really can't afford to do this again but we don't have any choice. The last 3 years have cost us £4000 in legal fees and we just don't have it any more as recession has bitten us hard, we're both self employed) .

Anyway it's Friday again tomorrow so I have to collect the child from his mum at 2.30pm but we already know that she will not let come with me. We just do not know what else we can do. Any suggestions, anyone?!!!

Ps sorry for the length of this post. This is not all the details by any means but it gives you a gist of what's been going on - if I was to write it all down you guys would be up reading all night!

Thanks in advance for any help.

She is damaging her son and he should be taken away from her until she can learn to act properly. No child should have to go through all this. How irresponsible.

valkirn

newcook wrote: »

I'd be tempted to tell her that if she doesnt allow access then you'll do everything by the book including payment via CSA and what they think the payment should be!!!!!!!

This is a good idea and i really think your oh should take this on board especially if the recession has hit you both hard you have other children to think of too, who also need uniforms days out and the like, its not fair of her to keep demanding money from others and the money she gets from csa is supposed to be enough to help towards things like school uniform etc....

dueyb wrote: »

Hi sorry to hear the awful situation, don't know if this would help but if your OH picked up his son could he not take a small dictaphone or even mobile phones have a recording device and record the abuse as proof for SS.

Again another good idea to be carried out, also if you take it when you go to collect dss that way they also have proof of her refusing to allow you to take him

jackieglasgow

I think it's against the law to record a conversation without advising the second person that you are doing so, and wouldn't be admissable. I'm sure someone with official legal knowledge will be able to put this in the correct terms. Which is a shame, as it's a good idea.

valkirn

kazza1000 wrote: »

I am wondering if anyone can give us advice please? I will keep as short as poss but is ongoing for 6 years and there is alot of backgound.

Over 6 years ago(before I knew my OH) he was told that a girl he had a one night stand with was pregnant. He got in contact with her and from baby was born was always a brilliant dad to him, supportive both financially and seeing his son a lot..

Dont want to upset things but did your oh have a DNA test done?

kazza1000

valkirn wrote: »

Dont want to upset things but did your oh have a DNA test done?

Hi, yes a dna test was done just after the child was born. And he is the double of my OH

choille

I think it's against the law to record a conversation without advising the second person that you are doing so, and wouldn't be admissable. I'm sure someone with official legal knowledge will be able to put this in the correct terms. Which is a shame, as it's a good idea.

You can record others conversation if you are present - ie You cannot place a tape recorder in a room where no one will know they are being recorded. As long as one person present knows - and that person can be you - then it's legal. But whether it will be used as admissable evidence is another question.

Would it be possible to bear lying low for a little while? Not paying her any money other than what is the usual amount. Not persuing seeing his son - sort of 'letting her get her own way............She is probably loving all the drama.
I think you have to gather evidence & then go for custody but I think it would be difficult -
All the best.

kazza1000

dueyb wrote: »

Hi sorry to hear the awful situation, don't know if this would help but if your OH picked up his son could he not take a small dictaphone or even mobile phones have a recording device and record the abuse as proof for SS.

Hi, we've been a bit slow off the mark with the vooce recording thing (by about 6 years!) but OH solicitor advised him in October to record all conversations and it will be admissable in court. It just seems a bit sleazy to us. However I took a voice recorder with me last Friday and we now have a recordin of her shouting at me and evidence of her refusal to allow contact.

My OH could certainly go himself today to pick child up but he is very reluctant to again put him in the position of seeing his mum losing the plot. Plus NSPCC and SS have adivsed him not to do this.

So I am going for him today, armed with voce recorder! and we'll just have to see what happens.

Our immediate concern is that it will take several weeks to have hearing in the court and therefore it is possible that, once again, the child will not have any contact with his dad for weeks - unless he ignores NSPCC and SS advice and just goes to lift his son himself regardless of the consequences.