Help! Oh childs mum continually breaking contact order + emotional abuse

kazza1000

I am wondering if anyone can give us advice please? I will keep as short as poss but is ongoing for 6 years and there is alot of backgound.

Over 6 years ago(before I knew my OH) he was told that a girl he had a one night stand with was pregnant. He got in contact with her and from baby was born was always a brilliant dad to him, supportive both financially and seeing his son a lot. He would have baby sat at least 2 evenings during the week, going to his sons house after working 12 hour shifts and staying up til 2/3 in the morning while the mum went out and then having to get up for work at 6am and also having him to stay over with him at weekends. So has always been a responsible dad. But he has always had major trouble with the mum and her demands and temper. They have never been in a relationship.

I met my OH when the child was 13 months old. I have two boys,now age 12 and 9 (their dad died when they were very little) and we now have a little girl together age 2.

From I 1st met my OH the mum has always been very volatile. APart from mad screaming fits at my OH we have also put up with lots of attention seeking, she may have cancer, she may be pregnant, she has an ulcer that will kill her if it burtsts if one of us doesn't take her to hospital immediately etc etc etc.

My OH and I started living together after about 8 months (very quick I know but it just worked! ) and from then the child spent about 40% of his time with us. We moved house shortly after so he would have his own room and also would live a bit closer to his mums house and would make all the picking up etc a bit easier.

Anyway the tempers (very often in front of the child)etc have always continued except when she wants something and then it all nicey nicey.

In Jan 2007 she suddenly decided she was cutting my OH contact with his son to every other Sat night (from approx 3 nights per week). My OH didn't agree and ended up in court, welfare reports etc and it was agreed he should have him every thursday from after school until 6pm (he was in nursery by then), 3 weekends out of 4 and half the school holidays.

My OH has never broken or changed this agreement and his son is very happy. He has a great weekend routine of BB on a Fri evening and rugby on Sat morning with my boys (who he considers to be his brothers).
However his mum has never been happy with the contact my OH was given by the court and always goes out of her way to be difficult. We have been back to court now about 5 times in 3 years, more welfare reports etc. She has always shouted at us that she will do whatever it takes to have it changed and believe me she has tried ( has accused me of assaulting the child when I was 35 weeks pregnant, has denied my OH contact for a full 6 weeks saying that he is not good for the child, has accused my boys of bullying etc etc).

My OH has always had concerns that his son is being emotionally abused by his mum, has discussed this with SS many times but they have no proof and have other priorities. His mum has admitted to them that she has on many occassions verbally abused my OH in front of his son (she can really be very intimidationg when she does this) but says she just can't help it. So, SS have advised my OH that if he feels she is likely to be volatile he should not do the pick ups himself but that I shoud go, thereby diffusing any conflict.

TThis has really helped and most of last year things were working really well. She was being polite and even friendly, phoning me any time she had problems to talk about them etc and even wanted to baby sit for our little girl so OH and I could get a night out (we very tactfully declined!)
But at the same tme she also wanted us to pay a rental deposit on a house she wanted to move into (again!)and buy her a car. We simply couldn't afford to and when she relised this has turned nasty again (my OH already gives her 3 times what CSA asays he should, none of which she declares to Income Support plus we gaive her extra money for school uniforms, bedroom furniture, days out, clothes etc)

So from September my OH has been denied lots of his contact plus she is refusing to let the child come at all if my OH does not personally collect him. Tis puts him right in the firing line of being verbally attacked in front of his son who is now 6 and SS do not want this but he has had no choice or he would not be able to see him.

2 Fridays ago when he was collecting his son she asked him to come into the house, said child wanted to talk to him. Child was sitting on sofa but did not want to talk so she shouted at him to hurry up and tell dad what he wanted. He then said that he thought he wanted to see daddy less and only come to his house every other week. My OH told him that he would talk to him about that when he got home. His mum said, You see, I told you daddy would say that. When my OH said that the child should not be in this position she lost her temper and started shouting and saying terrible things. Child started crying and my OH carried him out to the car.
He then spoke to NSPCC (who have given him great advice on several occassion). Thsy did a direct referral to SS and there should now be another full investigation. In meantime they have said that OH should not under any circumstances go to collect the child but that I should go. So I i did this last Friday but she refused to let child come with me. Solicitor has now filed paperwork with the court for proceedings but this will take weeks ( and we really, really can't afford to do this again but we don't have any choice. The last 3 years have cost us £4000 in legal fees and we just don't have it any more as recession has bitten us hard, we're both self employed) .

Anyway it's Friday again tomorrow so I have to collect the child from his mum at 2.30pm but we already know that she will not let come with me. We just do not know what else we can do. Any suggestions, anyone?!!!

Ps sorry for the length of this post. This is not all the details by any means but it gives you a gist of what's been going on - if I was to write it all down you guys would be up reading all night!

Thanks in advance for any help.

gorgeouslatinrose

Awwwww (hugs). Im afraid I have no advice really , but im sure someone will come along with a lot of help soon. The only thing I can suggest is writing down the incidents, so if it does ever come to court again, presenting the evidence is this format could be a sttrong influence for your case.

MrsTinks

Keep fighting... My father was denied access to my half sister till she was 16... and had a criminal record, was a very messed up kid and in a home for troubled teens...
He fought for access every year on the date - always being denied. At least the courts are kinda on your side with this...
Keep diaries, if you can then get independant witnesses for her behaviour and try to prove that she's being malicious. Have you tried to apply for custody of the child?

choille

Phewwwwwwwww,

I'd feel like hitting the witch, but that's of no use.

She really sounds like she is hard work - has a personality disorder - & is very manipulative.
Could you have someone go with you to collect OH's son? As a witness....
Why doesn't she want to let him go?

It does sound as if she is using her son as a pawn for more money? For spite? It's anyone's guess with some people.

You would think that she must comply with a court order & if she doesn't should be liable for any costs incurred in getting justice?

You would think that she should be glad of some free time.
Why do you think she's behaving like this?
Sorry I'm not nuch help.......

kazza1000

Hi MrsTine, thanks for your reply.
Yes, my OH applied for custody about 18 months ago.

He was concerned that sons mum was taking drugs (he knows for a fact that she does) and this was getting out of control. poor school attendance and several other things but SS did not find any eveidence, even though his sons maternal grandmother and aunt had contacted to encourage him to try to get custody of the child as they also had concerns for his welfare.

Unfortunately Childs mum is very skilled at telling lies and tells the best sob stories I have ever heard!

However it is just very frustrating as she insists that my OH has too much contact with his son but on the one weekend in four that he is with his mum he stays elsewhere as his mum is out!

We cannot understand why she just can't let the child have his contact with his dad in peace.

we have always kept diaries but SS will not view them as evidence as the mum just says that my OH is the one who is lying.

kazza1000

WHO KNOWS WHY SHE BEHAVES LIKE THIS!!!

My OH and his son have a very close relationship. He is also very close to me, my boys and his half sister, maybe that's why.

It is entirely possible that there is some sort of mental health issue going on. Her mood swings are quite incredible with no rhyme nor reason to them at all. But that just makes us even more worried as we have no real way of knowing exactly what the child is witnessing during the week.

As for court costs she is on IS and housing benefit so there is no way the magistrate will award costs against her. She also gets Legal Aid so it doesn't make any difference to her how often we have to go to court.

pigpen

Would some kind of joint mediation be an option.. it would be away from the son and she could lose it in front of people who could use it against her.. he must know some of her triggers by now.. money for example!

If I was him I'd go for custody.. I'd also try getting these members of her family to offer their opinion on an official line.. they obviously know she is not doing very well!

kazza1000

pigpen wrote: »

Would some kind of joint mediation be an option.. it would be away from the son and she could lose it in front of people who could use it against her.. he must know some of her triggers by now.. money for example!

If I was him I'd go for custody.. I'd also try getting these members of her family to offer their opinion on an official line.. they obviously know she is not doing very well!

Hi pigpen.

My OH has already tried mediation with her and it did absolutely no good.

She would not take on board anything the mediator said at all and it ended up just being a 2 hour session of her shouting and demanding very unreasonable things like trying to insist that my OH should not leave the childs side for even a minute when he is at home with us and that when his has contact with him on Thursday after school he should not bring him home but should spend 5 hours in her local leisure centre with him etc! The mediator seemed to be powerless to stop her and nothing was resolved.

We would love to try for custody again but it would be pointless as there is no evidence of any abuse other than manipulation of the child with regard to his relatioship with his dad and emotional stuff. SS are aware that this happens but as long as he has aroof over his head and is physically healthy they will not consider changing the current arrangements.

Some of the maternal family members are very supportive of my OH but will not make formal statements (partly because they are then denied all access to the child themselves and partly bacause the maternal grandmother is afraid of the verbal abuse she wil get from the mother and her older brothers. we have had to contact the police about this on a previous occassion but it is just too much for us to expect that the childs grandmother should be in this position. She lives on her own and the brothers would be banging the door shoutin during the night after they have been to the pub! Not funny at all. )

newcook

I'd be tempted to tell her that if she doesnt allow access then you'll do everything by the book including payment via CSA and what they think the payment should be!!!

what a nasty cow she sounds - there are so many women who moan that the kids dads dont want to know but the dads who do want to know have to fight for thier rights!!!!

kazza1000

Hi, just had a thought.

If it was the other way around and it was my OH who was continually refusing the child contact with his mother and if he was the one who was maniplating the child and if he was the one who was being abusive I don't think SS and the courts would be taking it so lightly as they have done for the last 3 years.

I just can't imagine that they would expect the mother to be fearful every time she had to be in contact with someone verbally attacking her on a regular basis. They probably would really have stepped up by now and done something to prevent it (probably by drastically reducing Oh contact). Do you think I'm right in thinking this? maybe that is something we should be pointing out to them and the court.

Anyway, have to rush to work now and then try to collect the child at 2.30. Will let you know how I get on. All advice welcome and appreciated.

kazza1000

Thanks. We've thought about that but it would only be OH son losing out if we did and really feel that it would only escalate the situation even more.

Anyway, she would only then be giong to her mum and getting money off her and sayig that my OH isn't giving her enough. She already does this. Tells her mum that he won't pay fr school uniforms etc and gets her mum to give her oney for these things as well - so 2 bites at the cherry.