Help! Oh childs mum continually breaking contact order + emotional abuse

valkirn

kazza1000 wrote: »

Hi, yes a dna test was done just after the child was born. And he is the double of my OH

Sorry to ask but it would have come up sooner or later lol.

I really dont have any answers for you as we are in a similar position with my oh's ex she has stopped him seeing his girls full stop and wont give us a reason why,

But i really hope you can get something worked out soon x

kazza1000

choille wrote: »

I think it's against the law to record a conversation without advising the second person that you are doing so, and wouldn't be admissable. I'm sure someone with official legal knowledge will be able to put this in the correct terms. Which is a shame, as it's a good idea.

You can record others conversation if you are present - ie You cannot place a tape recorder in a room where no one will know they are being recorded. As long as one person present knows - and that person can be you - then it's legal. But whether it will be used as admissable evidence is another question.

Would it be possible to bear lying low for a little while? Not paying her any money other than what is the usual amount. Not persuing seeing his son - sort of 'letting her get her own way............She is probably loving all the drama.
I think you have to gather evidence & then go for custody but I think it would be difficult -
All the best.

Yes, good idea. However any time in the past (before court order was put in place) that Oh has said to her ok, i'll do it your way she is happy for about 4 days then is on the phone shouting that he is not a proper dad, that he doesn't care about the child and phoning every couple of days demanding that he come to her house to baby sit or pick him up for two hours then bring him back etc. - you get the picture! It is an hour long round trip from our house to hers and just not practical. She doesn't drive so we do all the running. Anyway, she only does this to be difficult and so that she feels in control of when and for how long OH sees his child. So can't win with this one I'm afraid.

paddy's_mum

Given the highly revealing fact that the maternal grandmother is virtually a prisoner of her sons and this particular daughter, I really cannot envisage that your OH's relationship with the boy's mother is ever going to be calm, steady and straightforward. Add to that her drug use, which is no doubt fuelling an already unstable personality, half a lifetime of financially productive intimidation of others, and the headiness of the sheer power of being able to dictate to everyone involved, and you have a situation that is going to be almost impossible to alter.

Hard as it may be to stomach, your OH may be wiser to stop fighting, back off as much as it is possible to do without sacrificing the entire relationship with his son, and brace himself for more heartbreak to come. Until this woman realises that her child is not a weapon with which to browbeat others and to so efficiently blackmail the father, she has no reason whatever to be reasonable or play fair. I'm afraid my perception is that she is a control freak in the truest sense.

Your OH cannot protect himself from her all the time the current situation continues - sadly, she has the power to make all of you miserable whenever she wishes for years to come. The only way you can escape that is to refuse to play the game, tragic for the boy and desperately painful for your OH though that may be. In the end, you have no other weapon, short of hiring a hitman!

I'm in total agreement with newcook who suggests that you pay only what you must - I'm all for people playing by the rules but in tense situations like this, both parties must be playing by the same set of rules, don't you think? If she wants generosity, then like most of the rest of us, she'll have to earn it.

Has it yet occurred to you that you are effectively funding her drug taking and other self-indulgences?

I'd also suggest that future legal fees would be better spent on your own family rather than continuing to fight a woman with no morals and no intention of obeying any power on this earth, including the law. If love for her innocent child can't make her be reasonable and work for his best interests, what hope do others have of bringing that about? Good luck.

Mupette

ok sounds like madam has had it all her own way for far too long.

Stop all the financial extra's only pay what the csa say he should, if she kicks off give her the option, accept it or income support will hear of it.

All those extra financial treats can still happen, just in your care.

Record her kicking off and tell her if she doesn't start behaving like a proper grown-up then ss will be listening to the recording (but not actually use it, so if she complains to them you are recording, say no its another one of her silly stories)

If you are picking him up at 2.30 shouldn't he still be in school?
as long as you both keep calm and never raise your voice at her, tempting as it sounds, then at least little one can see who the sensible one is.

Believe me this won't last forever, my ex used to kick off when he came to pick up our son, and eventually ds saw for himself what an idiot his dad was, he still see's him but i think words have been said from ds (14) because the verbal has all stopped

stef240377

This has not been mentioned so may be worth throwing in the mix. As your OH has a court order it is legally binding. Can you contact the Police local to his ex's area and tell them the situation and ask for someone to be in attendance when picking up and dropping off the child. I know here it is one thing they recommend in volatile situations and as you are fetchin the child in sociable hours it should be easy to get the community bobby to pop round while on his beat. The vision of a police officer at the door may also worry her a little to be less defensive.

kazza1000

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Given the highly revealing fact that the maternal grandmother is virtually a prisoner of her sons and this particular daughter, I really cannot envisage that your OH's relationship with the boy's mother is ever going to be calm, steady and straightforward. Add to that her drug use, which is no doubt fuelling an already unstable personality, half a lifetime of financially productive intimidation of others, and the headiness of the sheer power of being able to dictate to everyone involved, and you have a situation that is going to be almost impossible to alter.

Hard as it may be to stomach, your OH may be wiser to stop fighting, back off as much as it is possible to do without sacrificing the entire relationship with his son, and brace himself for more heartbreak to come. Until this woman realises that her child is not a weapon with which to browbeat others and to so efficiently blackmail the father, she has no reason whatever to be reasonable or play fair. I'm afraid my perception is that she is a control freak in the truest sense.

Your OH cannot protect himself from her all the time the current situation continues - sadly, she has the power to make all of you miserable whenever she wishes for years to come. The only way you can escape that is to refuse to play the game, tragic for the boy and desperately painful for your OH though that may be. In the end, you have no other weapon, short of hiring a hitman!

I'm in total agreement with newcook who suggests that you pay only what you must - I'm all for people playing by the rules but in tense situations like this, both parties must be playing by the same set of rules, don't you think? If she wants generosity, then like most of the rest of us, she'll have to earn it.

Has it yet occurred to you that you are effectively funding her drug taking and other self-indulgences?

I'd also suggest that future legal fees would be better spent on your own family rather than continuing to fight a woman with no morals and no intention of obeying any power on this earth, including the law. If love for her innocent child can't make her be reasonable and work for his best interests, what hope do others have of bringing that about? Good luck.

Paddy's mum, thank you so much for this post.

Oh and I have been in agreement for a long time that there is little we can do to change this persons personality and we know that it is unlikely to ever change.

We have agreed that this will be the last court action in an attempt to have SS bring some sort of lasting resolution and allow our whole family to get on with their lives in peace. We have a new solicitor who seems to want to tackle this aggressively now and make sure that the mum is put in the witness box this time, which has never happened before. Whether this helps or not I have no idea but we have to try this once.

I think we have accepted now that there is only so much we can do to protect the child and that his mum wil continue to try to alienate him from his dad as much as she can - whenever that suits her that is.

But it is just very difficult to sit back and watch this happening. I was very worried about my OH last weekend. After being refused contact with his son again he was an awful grey colour for 3 days and obviously distressed. The child missed yet another family birthday party, my boys were upset that he wasn't here and his little sister has now only seen him for 1 weekend since xmas - not exactly conducive to them building and maintaining a normal brother/sister relationship. She is only 2 and pobably thinks he is someone who just visits occassionally.

Anyway, we'll see what happens today. Her solicior is now aware that conversations are being recorded so this may at least prevent the verbal abuse.

Again, thank you for your post. It makes a lot of sense

kazza1000

Mupette wrote: »

ok sounds like madam has had it all her own way for far too long.

Stop all the financial extra's only pay what the csa say he should, if she kicks off give her the option, accept it or income support will hear of it.

All those extra financial treats can still happen, just in your care.

Record her kicking off and tell her if she doesn't start behaving like a proper grown-up then ss will be listening to the recording (but not actually use it, so if she complains to them you are recording, say no its another one of her silly stories)

If you are picking him up at 2.30 shouldn't he still be in school?
as long as you both keep calm and never raise your voice at her, tempting as it sounds, then at least little one can see who the sensible one is.

Believe me this won't last forever, my ex used to kick off when he came to pick up our son, and eventually ds saw for himself what an idiot his dad was, he still see's him but i think words have been said from ds (14) because the verbal has all stopped

Hi, we are going to be using the voice recordings to the maximum now. Solicitor has said it is admissable in court.

neither of us ever raise our voices to her anyway so that is not an issue - we have mastered the art of holding our tongues and just walking or driving away!

The child is only in P2 so he finishes school at 2pm.

i'm very glad you eventually got your situation sorted out. Hopefully one day we will be able to say the same thing.

euronorris

Hi Kazza,

So sorry to hear about all this.

I don't have much advice, just something for you to think about (if you haven't already tried).

Is it possible to request a court order stating that the child is to be collected from school by your OH on the days that he is to see the child. I know this can't be done during holidays/ weekend, but this, together with a police presence when collecting from her home, could reduce the aggravation somewhat.

And, I would imagine that the school would receive instruction in respect of this, if it was agreed, so that they wouldn't hand the child over to the mother (in case she tries to collect son prior to your OH's arrival).

Hugs for you. xxx

newcook

If SS or a local bobby cant be with you/OH when you collect him could you possibly arrange with her to have son taken to her moms house and collect him from there or even collect him straight from school??

paddy's_mum

Ought to be a good idea, newcook, but from the sounds of things, it wouldn't work.

The boy's mother seems to be determined not to co-operate with anyone in any way, shape or form so is unlikely to agree. She has already defied orders and recommendations of the Court with impunity - personally, I can't understand the logic of anyone who risks the involvement of the powers-that-be who could at any time they choose legally take the child away from her, while standing on dodgy ground herself with the undeclared income and drug use. Euronorris's earlier idea of a court order to collect the child directly from the school is also easily thwarted. The boy 'had a raised temperature this morning so I didn't send him to school today'!

Grandmother is dictated to by, and living in fear of, her adult children so I can't imagine that she would want to be dragged in any further than bare necessity dictates.

The only defence that I can see is that the boy's father refuses to play the game and hope that like so many other selfish people, being hit in the pocket forces this mother to toe the line of acceptable behaviour.






PS What was it someone suggested the other day when, in jackomk's thread, I asked how any man could force the mother of his child to do as he wanted .. get a solicitor, was it?