Help! Oh childs mum continually breaking contact order + emotional abuse

euronorris

OP, has she ever said that she wanted a relationship with your OH? Maybe in the beginning?

I know there hasn't been, but maybe this is why she is so angry and acting so nastily. Perhaps she is an extremely jealous person and therefore enjoys putting such strain on you, your OH and your relationship. Obviously you've been strong enough to overcome that, but in her mind she may believe it's working.

I know that doesn't help the situation, but I find it can be easier to deal with things like this, if you at least understand it a bit better.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Simple responses.

1. Cut the payments. If he's not getting access, why should he give her a penny more than the CSA requires?

2. Notify IS that she has received x amount in this period, it's undeclared and proveable. It's not as if you have anything to lose if she's stopped contact, after all. And a criminal prosecution for benefit fraud would help with your position. And if she's on hard drugs, the resulting withdrawal will force her to get treatment.

3. If she's in breach of the order, she could get into further trouble - once the court know. Let her.

I'm sorry to hear all this.

Use the money she would have extorted from you to pay the solicitor. Just make sure IS and HB (different admin) know that she has been receiving the additional income and that you are willing to provide the evidence. There's no point in making excuses for telling them - be honest, say she's stopped all contact and you're fed up of paying extra that she isn't declaring.

Reality checks are hard. And it sounds like it's time to play hardball.

kazza1000

Yes, when the child was about 4 months old she said that she would like them to be in a relationship but OH was always adamant (nicely) that he did not feel this way and while he would always support his son there would never be a realtionship between them. Maybe that is causing the problem, who knows?

Anyway - update- just before I left to collect the child, OH rec'd tel call from his solicitor. They had rec'd a reply from the mum's solicitor about today's contact. Wait til you hear this........

She is now alleging that my OH physically assaults his son on a regular basis and the child is frightened and obviously does not want to have contact with his dad. (this is the biggest load of rubbish) however, she "will permit" contact today provided that OH collects him himself and said that she will not come out of the house - surely now the SS and magistrate will see this for what it is and sort it out.- every time that my Oh says he does not want to change his court ordered contact she falsley accuses someone in the family of abusing him. I'm not sure how much more we can take.

So we agreed with OH solicitor that for today we would both go to collect the child to ensure he has this weeks contact with his dad. We have just done this without any dramas - thank goodness.

Hopefully we will get court date soon so that she can be questioned in the witness box.

My OH son is in good form anyway and just heading out to pick his little sis up from nursery so that's good anyway.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

They won't believe her - because if it were true, she wouldn't have allowed contact, seeing as she has no qualms about stopping it when she wants. And there would be a Child Protection investigation by now.

Might be a plan to take family snapshots this weekend (and every other time) as there may be bruises either there already or alleged to be there by Sunday night, though.

RAS

Absolutely. Know this sounds paranoid but try to take a photo at bath-time and before you send him home, ask him to change clothes and somehow film him.

That way you have proof that he was not damaged in your care.

if he has any sort of sccident, take him to the doctors or A&E and explain why.

alleycat`

I know you can't

but what you should do is give her a bloody good hiding.
I suspect it is what 99% of us are thinking too.
People that use their kids as weapons to hurt other people deserve nothing but contempt.

-- Having got that out of my system ---

Things that come to my mind (and i may be repeating other people).

I would start recording and keeping a diary of every contact made by her that is abusive, rude or unnecessary (put it by the phone for example).

All refusals to comply with the court order.
Write them down or record them.
Ask her is she is specifically saying she is not prepared to comply with the court order and why (record it if you can).

Make a note of every payment made to her and all historic payments and speak to the IS people.
Involve the CSA if your partner is paying more than he should to supplement her lifestyle.

If the money was going to the lad i would applaud him but if she is pee'ing it up the wall then put the extra into an account for when he grows up or wants treats, etc.

If the lad needs clothes, buy them for him.
Do not give her cash, pay by cheque or bank transfer with the name on it specifying exactly what it is (based on what you have to).
Keep records.

You could try to take an independent witness to sit in the car when you pick up the little one. Have independent people around when your partners son is with you.

Then if she accuses you of abuse (having kept the records) you can say who was there and have them stand up and saying she is making it up.

If you can show you have behaved reasonably and she is behaving like a nut job she will get what is coming to her.

I know it isn't fair on you guys but the only way to deal with a liar is to snare them up in their own web.

Good luck to your partners son - he deserves better.

shellsuit

Oh my God what an absolute vindictive cow.

If your OH was abusing the child, what Mother in their right mind would let the child go with him???

Stop all the extra money ~ do you have paperwork to prove you have given maintenance over the years?

Without the money, she will soon see how easy she had it and maybe it will knock a bit of sense into her.

kazza1000

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

They won't believe her - because if it were true, she wouldn't have allowed contact, seeing as she has no qualms about stopping it when she wants. And there would be a Child Protection investigation by now.

Might be a plan to take family snapshots this weekend (and every other time) as there may be bruises either there already or alleged to be there by Sunday night, though.

I know they won't believe her - this is the 3rd time now she has made false allegations and they have always been disproved. the last time (when I was 35 weeks pregnant) she accused me of assalting the child. I really wasn't too worried about it but the reason she did was to stop my OH having any contact with his son. She managed to achieve this for 6 full weeks while we were waiting for a court date and on the basis of these false allegations asked the court to reduce my OH contact to every other week rather than 3 weekends out of 4. On SS recommendation magistrate ruled "No Order".

But she is doing exactly this again and both court and SS seem unwilling to put any measures into place to prevent this happening in the 1st place.

Have confirmed today that although NSPCC made their referral to SS 2 weeks ago a case worker has still not been appointed by SS. Have a feeling it is at the bottom of the pile and they will just wait to see if the court orders a welfare report before they take much action.

paddy's_mum

So ... give me a minute, let me work this out ... he regularly assaults his son but she is willing to let the boy go today so long as 'something-or-other'? And she must have found this out only today - or otherwise all the other contacts would not have been acceptable to her. If, on the other hand, she knew of this before, why hasn't she called in the Police or other protective services? Does she realise what ammunition she has just handed you with these accusations? I can just hear the witness responses ...

Magistrate; How long had you known of these assaults?

Mother; For several months.

Magistrate; So naturally you stopped all unsupervised contact?

Mother; No - I let my boy go to his father's home quite often.

Magistrate; Weren't you worried about the welfare and safety of your son, as well as that of the other children in the father's home?

Mother; Well, I was a bit but I didn't want to waste my membership of the local nightclub ...




Kazza - you're dealing with a semi-nutter I fear. Perhaps you should consider what I said earlier about hiring a hitman

Poor little boy - whatever did he do to deserve punishment like this?

Chinkle

I do feel for you OP. It seems to me you can struggle down the same path with you legal efforts costing you financially and probably not get very far. It's a shame the mother is pulling the wool over so many people's eyes.

Has there been any assessment by SS of the boy's relationship with his mother when you/your OH aren't around? Surely he's old enough to answer questions independently now? I know your OH seems like the main target for her manipulation and agression but if this is her personality-type it must be rubbing off on her son too.

Definately speak to your OH about withdrawing the "extra" finanical support - it might help the mother see that she isn't in control of all of the strings of her "puppet" son. Perhaps he could state that this is due to the high legal bills you have right now! Is she even spending all this money on her son if she is a drug user?

There won't be any easy answers, but good luck and hopefully the boy will work out for himself as he gets older who is the better parent.