Miscarriage support

pebblespop

Thanks MV

Your story was one of the first i saw on this thread and i recognised your name from the ttc and less than 12 weeks threads. This really gave me hope that things would work out as i started to see other names i recognised and realised that all these people had been through the same as me and it had worked out in the end.

Amara

My DH's niece gave birth to baby girl today. Mine would be three months old now. I'm comfortably numb. DH is lovely now, shame he wasn't when I needed it. December was horrible. I found out about niece's pregnancy in September and nephew's girlfriend is pregnant too (she's only 19!). I was determied to have nice Chrismas though. I thought: "Sod it, what's happened, happened, but we have to keep going!" I wanted give him a lovely present. I said to him: "I won't buy you present, but in Boxing Day, when sales start, I'll take you shopping and you'll choose what you'll want" He agreed. I've been saving money for three months. Day before Chrismas' Eve he told me he won't go shopping with me, I was mean I didn't buy him present . I asked him why he said he'll go. Said he was so fed up with me he said it just to shut me up. There was a lot screaming and shouting. I still wanted to buy him a present but I live in small town, no big choice of shops, shops closed early that day and I still worked in Chrismas' Eve, so I bought something I wouldn't normally : cufflings. Few days later he said they were "ugly, tacky and it looks like I was ripped off" . Later he apologised. Said he was upset, winded up. I said I won't buy him birthday's present (has in January) .He accepted. But I did, this time DVD he wanted and expensive aftershave. He liked and appologised again for his Chrismas behaviour. Next day scremed, shouted "we've drifted apart, you can move out" My crime? we were going out shopping,I had a headache , he said we had to wait and I "Oohh". That was enough. Screamed, shouted... I don't really remember...
It was dissapoitment. We coudn't prevent a misscarriage. But we could prevent this. We could had nice Chrismas. Sometimes we want something and we can't get it. But could have this. I'm numb. Now he's lovely. Appologised for his shouting and said he wanted to be with me. But there's alot of pain in me. Am I being a drama queen?

Apricot

I don't think you are being dramatic Amara - could it be that your miscarriage has hit him hard and he doesn't know how to vocalise his pain so he's taking it out on you. Im not excusing his behaviour at all but perhaps counselling would help you both?

sjc3

OP Im so sorry for the horrible 3 months you have had. I think this thread is a very good idea. Gives people a chance to share their experiences and get lots of good advice. I suffered 2 miscarriages before finally going on to have my dd nearly 7 years ago. We started trying again when she was 3. Since having another rather late on miscarriage we took the very hard decision to not have any more children.

I wish you lots of luck.

Amara

Thanks, Apricot. Perhabs you're right. I'm confused now, don't know what I want. Part of me still loves him, part is fed up and disspointed. He's been so distant and you can deal with it for only so long. I remember him when I was pregant. He was so happy. I felt like let him down (silly, I know, but that's how I felt). I feel numb.

pupsicola

Im really sorry op for the tough time you must be going through right now. I had a miscarriage in between having my 2 boys. Still remember how awful I felt, emotionally and physically. My only advice is to be very kind to yourself and take things day by day.

I hope everything turns out well for you soon.

Amara

Thank you for all your replies. I'm confused. It's weird, I wanted to get pregnant fast, I really wanted before Chrismas, now I don't even want to try. I don't know do I want, well in a way I want baby, but ... It's hard to explain. I'm confused. And , to make it even more funny, I had my period today. She had a baby, I'm having period.

sjc3

I dont think you are being a drama queen at all Amara. The way I see it is that when I suffered the miscarriages my dh and I went through a kind of grieving process. The pain is unlike anything else isn't it, both emotionally and physically. Only times in my life when I have woken up with cold sweats, been sobbing and felt panic attacks. I remember feeling very vulnerable and scared for the future. Totally threw me as I am usually very positive and optimistic.

I lost my first baby at 8 weeks, the 2nd was picked up at my 12 week scan and the last baby I lost at 15 weeks.

The first time I miscarried dh and I had a very rocky time of it for quite a while after. We each tried to deal with it in our own way and struggled to turn to each other for comfort. I think we were both scared of putting any more pressure on the other one.

After my first miscarriage DH eventually broke down and said that he felt we had lost the baby before he ever got to really feel like it was happening. Where as I had been exhausted, had morning sickness and could feel all the changes going on inside me to him it was just a positive pregnancy test. He said that he had felt that till he could see a baby on a scan screen it had felt like a lovely idea but not totally real. Then it had all been snatched away from us and he really regretted not being more part of it whilst he could. A horrible thing to struggle with and made his behaviour more understandable.

The second time it happened dh had been thrilled when I fell pregnant. He pampered me and was extra sympathetic when I was suffering morning sickness or felt exhausted. We were both shell-shocked when we had the scan. This time we worked through it more as a team and it made us closer.

We had our young daughter when I miscarried the last pregnancy. It was horrendous but she kept us busy and focused and we both just kept pulling together and struggled through it.

Communicate, tell him exactly how you feel and all you are thinking. Ask him to do the same. Men bottle up their feelings too much and he is probably going through hell right now, just as you are. I am so sorry for your loss

vesper

Can I firstly say thank you, this thread is really helpful. I had a mc about 5 years ago now, the pregnancy wasn't expected and at the time my life was in a terrible place. I had just lost my home, my job (was being investigated for stealing even though I hadn't done anything wrong- turns out the boss didn't like me at all and just wanted me out of the job and took it too far- I was cleared after but still had no job but that's by the by) this led to my partner leaving me and I was kipping on a sofa at work. At this time I didn't know I was pregnant thought my period was just late and I was ill due to the stress, never would have thought it was due to the pregnancy. All of this stress caused a mc. I am not 100% certain how long I was along but probably about 10 weeks as a couple of days later got the date for the 12 week scan.
It does get better trust me. Now I understand that something wasn't right and it was probably for the best as something was probably wrong with the fetus. What hurt me the most was going through it alone as my partner wasn't really there at the time. Although the mc bought us back together stronger than ever, it's just he doesn't really understand what happened or what I went through.
We are just about to start trying again.
Hugs and kisses for all of you.

SkipE

Hi all, I am currently experiencing my first miscarriage. When starting TTC I never imagined I would miscarry. I have been totally overwhelmed by it. By the pain, the cramps, the aching and the emotional pain as well. I have been so shocked. It hurts.

I cant help but feel there is something wrong with me. I have short periods only 1 or 2 days a time and light flow. My periods are regular but light. I cant get away from the thought that I cant sustain a pregnancy.

I have a blood test today to confirm the pregnancy is over but I really want to see my doctor again. I want to know why my periods are so short and I want to know what happens now!? There seems to be little support for people who miscarry in early pregnancy. You dont belong anywhere. Doctors send you to the EPU, EPU dont want to know as your not pregnant anymore and thats it. Im left alone with loads of questions to wonder what went wrong and what happens next!? I dont even know if we can start trying again. I feel so very lost right now.