Miscarriage support

athensgeorgia

Thanks for the update Manc. I've been meaning to pop on as I've been thinking long and hard about what you said. We're not officially ttc. Our last pregnancy wasn't planned and was a huge shock which I think hasn't helped my recovery.

We already have 3 children 16, 14 and 9. I have PCOS and haven't had a 'proper cycle' for many years so don't want to get in to the whole ttc mode. I was obsessed and ott when we were trying for DD3 and it's a chapter in my life I don't want to go back to. We're not going to be careful but we're certainly not ttc. I've already lurked a little bit on the ttc thread but will probably stay lurking for the time being at least. But thank you for the invite. I shall be watching your ttc journey though.

On the mc front. Still not heard anything from the counselling I referred myself to and I'm contemplating seeing my GP. I'm not convinced I'm dealing with everything properly and need some guidance it's not an issue just affecting me.

MancMama4

Athens thank you for the reply - sorry I must have completely forgotten you weren't actively ttc at the time - sure you can forgive me my brain is like a sieve at the moment!

I saw my GP and he was helpful - the NHS counselling can take months (at least that's what he told me) so I opted not to refer but he did give me numbers for the Misc Association etc which did help. Their website is fantastic and I even called the helpline once just for a chat and to ask a few questions and they were great.

I don't know if its karma or whatever but after I posted this morning I got a letter in the post saying that the histology on the products of conception showed no abnormalities which I guess is as good as we could have hoped for - I then felt like I was having a hot flush so took an opk and it was positive! So my cycle seems to be similar to before - Ov around CD19/20 and then hopefully 11-12 day luteal phase. Here we go again... it was nice to see the smiley on the opk.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts and thinking of you x

saver-j

Hi there, sorry for resurrecting this, I could just do with some thoughts / advice / reassurance. I had a mc almost 4 weeks ago and am still struggling. I'm crying most days still and not sleeping very well. Family are worried about me and saying I should see someone, but I don't know as I think I should be upset and grieving still. And I know seeing someone can't give me what I want. But then is my reaction going on too long? My OH seems to be handling it better than me and is certainly isn't as upset as I am now. I think part of why I'm finding it so hard is someone at work is pregnant and is about a week behind where I was, so I feel like I'm going to have a daily reminder of this could have been you.
Need to pull myself together and get ready for work. At least its the weekend tomorrow and I can hide from pregnant people.

AnotherJoe

saver-j wrote: »

Hi there, sorry for resurrecting this, I could just do with some thoughts / advice / reassurance. I had a mc almost 4 weeks ago and am still struggling. I'm crying most days still and not sleeping very well. Family are worried about me and saying I should see someone, but I don't know as I think I should be upset and grieving still. And I know seeing someone can't give me what I want. But then is my reaction going on too long? My OH seems to be handling it better than me and is certainly isn't as upset as I am now. I think part of why I'm finding it so hard is someone at work is pregnant and is about a week behind where I was, so I feel like I'm going to have a daily reminder of this could have been you.
Need to pull myself together and get ready for work. At least its the weekend tomorrow and I can hide from pregnant people.

It will last as long as it lasts, let it out. I"m sure there's a lot of posts along the following lines, and this was said to my daughter at the time and it turned out correct, if its your first MC there's no correlation on the future, I now have the most fantastic grandaughter who wouldn't be here if my daughter hadn't previously had this traumatic event, and I'd say it took her probably 3-4 months before she really got over the shock and started looking forward.

So, dont punish yourself over whatever the proper period "should be", it is what it is for you and whilst it probably doesn't help at all right now, in time you'll look back and think that everything did work out OK.

(and FWIW my daughter has a very good friend who had her baby around the time she would have had hers and whilst it was I'm sure an occasion for a little bit of mixed feelings and "why me" when her friends baby was born, now there are just 6 months between the two toddlers and they play together (well, as much as toddlers do. Next to each other is more like it :-)

Good luck and post back in a few months.

flutterbyuk25

saver-j - 4 weeks is hardly any time at all. I had a mc in May last year, and to be honest struggled for months afterwards. It is much more emotional for women than men, you wonder about the what ifs/could I have done something/how far gone would I be now. I couldn't see one friend who was pregnant, luckily she understood. I remember we went on an all inclusive holiday in the July and there was a pregnant woman smoking and drinking in our hotel and I sobbed for hours about how unfair it was that she had a baby growing and I didn't. I had a big melt down in Oct after we had been trying again for few months and nothing had happened. I probably should have gone to Dr but instead I decided to give up trying for a bit and focus on me. Ironically I fell pregnant the month after and am now almost 24 weeks gone! Since being pregnant the thoughts of the sadness of the mc have gone, but I am still super worried that something could go wrong, so it does hang over you.

I was lucky to have some good friends, including colleagues, who have encouraged me to talk. MC is a strange subject to those who haven't been through it. It's not something that is talked about generally, but I made sure I did talk about it. OH has been fantastic throughout, although he admitted recently he didn't know how to help me through the first few months as he was lost but didn't want to put that on me too.

If you want to do something to mark the mc then do it - plant a tree, set off a balloon, etc. A holiday, or short break away may really help you to relax and refocus. Talk to people if you want to.

It will be hard, the pain and memory will stay forever but I promise you that you will get through it. xx

TamVilla80

Hi Saver-j
I lost my beautiful baby boy last October so know the pain you are going through. It's only been 4 weeks and everything is still so raw for you, don't punish yourself, it sounds like you being stronger than you realise. Just the fact that you are back at work and actually dealing with people is really brave of you.
I think unless someone has actually been through it themselves, they really can't understand how horrendous the situation is. Don't be afraid of asking for help, go and see your doctor and see if they can refer you to a counsellor or bereavement specialist. Personally I have found our counsellor amazing and I don't think I would have got through the last few months without her.
As for your work colleague, it is a hard situation but more common than you think. My sister was due a week after me and a work colleague a few weeks later, and it is really hard, especially when you feel like everyone has an opinion on how you are feeling. They all expect you to be bitter and jealous but you aren't - you don't want their baby you want your own - but theirs is a reminder of what you are missing and it is heartbreaking.
If you need a chat or to vent then feel free to message me. Please be gentle on yourself and don't rush anything. The depth of your grief just relates to the scope of love you have for your little one. You aren't a Mum from when you deliver a baby, you fall in love with them as soon as you know they are in there, and love is the biggest part of being a Mum x

MancMama4

Saver-j, my heart goes out to you and please know you are not alone. It's been 3 months since my EPRC and I still have days when I feel desolate. I struggle with pregnancy announcements as well and watching my best friend with her new baby. I beat myself up for feeling envious and more than anything I miss the feeling of being pregnant - the hope, the physical side (even the sickness!), the life I created in my head.

I am angry because I know I will never feel like that again - that any future pregnancy will be full of fear and anxiety - like my innocence has been lost.

Although it still hurts every day, I have found ways to cope. I do things for myself - massages, acupuncture, long hot baths, meditation, visualisation, treats, meals out, baking, colouring books... anything to keep my mind occupied or to relax. It does help.

Please allow yourself the time you need, and if you feel going to your GP will help then certainly do that - I did and I didn't feel the need for a referral but that doesn't mean I won't in future.

Sending lots of love and support. Vent here any time I know I have Xx

saver-j

Just a quick note to say thank you for your posts, will reply properly when not on my phone but wanted to say just reading these replies has given me the reassurance I needed.

saver-j

Sorry this is a bit of an epic post but I wanted to respond to each of you who had replied to me. I am so sorry you, and all those who have posted on here, have had to go through what you have. But want to thank each of you for sharing as it really does help.

It will last as long as it lasts, let it out. I"m sure there's a lot of posts along the following lines, and this was said to my daughter at the time and it turned out correct, if its your first MC there's no correlation on the future, I now have the most fantastic grandaughter who wouldn't be here if my daughter hadn't previously had this traumatic event, and I'd say it took her probably 3-4 months before she really got over the shock and started looking forward.

So, dont punish yourself over whatever the proper period "should be", it is what it is for you and whilst it probably doesn't help at all right now, in time you'll look back and think that everything did work out OK.

I know when I'm thinking rationally that it is ok to feel like I do, I am just all over the place and not always thinking rationally, start thinking I should be handling it better. Thank you for the reassurance.

saver-j - 4 weeks is hardly any time at all. I had a mc in May last year, and to be honest struggled for months afterwards. It is much more emotional for women than men, you wonder about the what ifs/could I have done something/how far gone would I be now. I couldn't see one friend who was pregnant, luckily she understood. I remember we went on an all inclusive holiday in the July and there was a pregnant woman smoking and drinking in our hotel and I sobbed for hours about how unfair it was that she had a baby growing and I didn't. I had a big melt down in Oct after we had been trying again for few months and nothing had happened. I probably should have gone to Dr but instead I decided to give up trying for a bit and focus on me. Ironically I fell pregnant the month after and am now almost 24 weeks gone! Since being pregnant the thoughts of the sadness of the mc have gone, but I am still super worried that something could go wrong, so it does hang over you.

I was lucky to have some good friends, including colleagues, who have encouraged me to talk. MC is a strange subject to those who haven't been through it. It's not something that is talked about generally, but I made sure I did talk about it. OH has been fantastic throughout, although he admitted recently he didn't know how to help me through the first few months as he was lost but didn't want to put that on me too.

If you want to do something to mark the mc then do it - plant a tree, set off a balloon, etc. A holiday, or short break away may really help you to relax and refocus. Talk to people if you want to.

It will be hard, the pain and memory will stay forever but I promise you that you will get through it. xx

I spoke to my colleague and she did understand, said she's had a mc herself and had found it hard to be around pregnant people as well, so I know she will be sensitive around me. Unfortunately I can't avoid her and will have to see her progressing every day. A large part of my sadness about that is how it would have been nice to have someone to share it with at the same stage as pretty much all my friends have children already.

I can relate about the pregnant ladies who are not taking as much care as you as well. As I came out of the hospital on the day of my mc there was a group of pregnant women stood around smoking, I wanted to scream, not sure how I managed to get to the car without to be honest.

I am talking about it and how I'm feeling but am feeling a bit like a broken record. I'm glad to be able to come here and vent a bit away from RL I'm conscious of it causing me to snap at my OH a bit, he's trying to be supportive, when I say I feel like a failure, he's telling me I'm not, but I just cry back that that's how I feel and he doesn't understand. I don't want to hurt him. I know he is feeling the loss too he has just reacted very differently, and seems to be looking forward already. He has booked us a holiday for a few months time as something to look forward to. At the moment though I don't want to go and am worried I won't enjoy it because I'll be thinking we shouldn't be there. It's so odd, normally I'm on countdown to a holiday from the minute it's booked, right now I'm still counting up, how many weeks I should be.

I'm happy to read your news, and hope it all goes smoothly for you, positive stories do give me hope it will happen. The same happened when we were TTC. 14 months of trying and nothing, stopped tracking etc just before starting investigations and we caught. I just hope it doesn't take me another 14 months this time.

Hi Saver-j
I lost my beautiful baby boy last October so know the pain you are going through. It's only been 4 weeks and everything is still so raw for you, don't punish yourself, it sounds like you being stronger than you realise. Just the fact that you are back at work and actually dealing with people is really brave of you.
I think unless someone has actually been through it themselves, they really can't understand how horrendous the situation is. Don't be afraid of asking for help, go and see your doctor and see if they can refer you to a counsellor or bereavement specialist. Personally I have found our counsellor amazing and I don't think I would have got through the last few months without her.
As for your work colleague, it is a hard situation but more common than you think. My sister was due a week after me and a work colleague a few weeks later, and it is really hard, especially when you feel like everyone has an opinion on how you are feeling. They all expect you to be bitter and jealous but you aren't - you don't want their baby you want your own - but theirs is a reminder of what you are missing and it is heartbreaking.
If you need a chat or to vent then feel free to message me. Please be gentle on yourself and don't rush anything. The depth of your grief just relates to the scope of love you have for your little one. You aren't a Mum from when you deliver a baby, you fall in love with them as soon as you know they are in there, and love is the biggest part of being a Mum x

I think it's because I usually am such a strong person that the way I'm feeling is affecting me so much. I'm so not used to being like this. I may go back to the Dr and see if I can be referred, you're not the first person to say counselling has helped them. Re my colleague you're right it is the reminder that is so hard, it's not bitterness and I don't want people to be thinking that of me, I am happy for her, but just want to be happy too.
The last paragraph of your post has made me well up, I think that is such a lovely way of expressing it.

Saver-j, my heart goes out to you and please know you are not alone. It's been 3 months since my EPRC and I still have days when I feel desolate. I struggle with pregnancy announcements as well and watching my best friend with her new baby. I beat myself up for feeling envious and more than anything I miss the feeling of being pregnant - the hope, the physical side (even the sickness!), the life I created in my head.

I am angry because I know I will never feel like that again - that any future pregnancy will be full of fear and anxiety - like my innocence has been lost.

Although it still hurts every day, I have found ways to cope. I do things for myself - massages, acupuncture, long hot baths, meditation, visualisation, treats, meals out, baking, colouring books... anything to keep my mind occupied or to relax. It does help.

Please allow yourself the time you need, and if you feel going to your GP will help then certainly do that - I did and I didn't feel the need for a referral but that doesn't mean I won't in future.

Sending lots of love and support. Vent here any time I know I have Xx

I'm glad I'm not the only one who misses the physical feelings of pregnancy, I was pretty much constantly nauseous and am weirdly missing that. I have snacks that I bought to help with it and can't eat them because it makes me sad. I am angry about things I didn't enjoy beacuse I wasn't feeling well because of the pregnancy and at the time just thought to myself it will be worth it, now it feels like I had a rubbish time for nothing. Someone said to enjoy being able to drink again but I don't want to, I've had one glass of wine but it feels wrong to be drinking.

Thank you all again and for allowing me to vent here. I hope you are all doing ok today. xxx

athensgeorgia

Just catching up a little.

I started my counselling, it's my third session this evening. I'm not sure if it's because we've had a couple of bank holidays and I had some annual leave but I'm feeling really positive.

At the end of the sessions my counsellor says lets recap what we discussed. I'm not sure if it's his tone, or this is how it's supposed to help but he recaps in a way that I didn't intend it to sound and I'm seeing it all from a totally different perspective. I feel, already, like it's helping me.

3 months ago I didn't think I could get to a point where I would have positive days. Don't get me wrong I still have 'down' days and I do think about the MC every single day, but I feel like I'm having more 'better' days.

Physically my cycle has still not settled. Not sure if it's all because of the MC or because of the PCOS but it's not weighing down on my mind like it was.

I can genuinely say I feel some sort of improvement to the torment of just after the MC. I've been shown that this isn't something to rush and 'get over' but it's something to be dealt with in my own time. And it affects each person differently. Which I was told before but I just couldn't see it for myself until now. Maybe it's the counselling or maybe, as they say, time is a healer and I'm on my road to recovery.