Miscarriage support

claire16c

Sam Ive been in your position & even though I'm pregnant now I still have similar feelings - especially as I'm not at 12 weeks yet so I don't know how it's going To go yet.

Just seeing the photos of Kate & William the other day with their baby caused me to burst into tears because I was SUPPOSED to have a baby BEFORE them.

What really killed me with the threads once was seeing 2 ladies who were on there for the 2nd time when I had just had a mc & had been on the ttc thread at the same time as them.

samtoby

PLMBL - really hope you are better soon. I was utterly emotionally and physically drained after my op. Hope you get some results soon too.

AFM - Thanks to all replying. I think I am just feeling a bit crap about myself. I want someone to just wipe this anxiety away and no one can.

All I can think is that it is going to take me ages to get pregnant again/ or its going to end the same. I keep thinking if I get to a scan it won't help me as I had two early scans and baby was alive, so it is as reassuring for the moment I am sitting there. I keep reliving the moment the Sonographer told me she was sorry but there was no heartbeat. I don't remember anything she said becuase I howled crying so loud I reckon the whole unit heard me.

I have always been good with dealing with grief. My Father was found dead three years tomorrow and I managed the Coroners, Funeral Directors and his family who didn't even tell me he had died. But I can't cope with this. I was ok the last few weeks but now its really dawning on me I am petrified.

sweaty_betty

samtoby wrote: »

All I can think is that it is going to take me ages to get pregnant again/ or its going to end the same. I keep thinking if I get to a scan it won't help me as I had two early scans and baby was alive, so it is as reassuring for the moment I am sitting there. I keep reliving the moment the Sonographer told me she was sorry but there was no heartbeat. I don't remember anything she said becuase I howled crying so loud I reckon the whole unit heard me.

I have always been good with dealing with grief. My Father was found dead three years tomorrow and I managed the Coroners, Funeral Directors and his family who didn't even tell me he had died. But I can't cope with this. I was ok the last few weeks but now its really dawning on me I am petrified.

I can relate to this. I had about 9 scans, all showing everything was fine, until the one showing that the babies were half way out and it was inevitable they would be born too early to survive (although I still blindly hung on to hope that it wouldn't end like that). If we get pregnant again I'm not sure how I'm going to approach it. I was playing down the pregnancy this time after my previous miscarriage, but I don't think that necessarily helped (and certainly didn't stop anything going wrong...).

I am fortunate that I've conceived fairly easily in the past, but as only one of my three pregnancies has resulted in a live birth and I've lost three out of four babies, I'm not sure I've a great track record! I feel that there are no guarantees and I wish I could get pregnant, then go to sleep until my baby was ready to be born, on time and healthy.

Really sorry about your dad, that must have been an awful experience - and having the anniversary around now will probably mean your emotions are all over the place. It was the 1st anniversary of my MiL's death a few weeks after we lost the boys and my OH found it really tough.

I'm wondering if it's a different kind of grief though - ultimately you expect to outlive your parents, but losing a child (in pregnancy or otherwise) is so wrong, it's the wrong order and unlike other bereavements you can't think "well they had a good innings" or remember happy things about their lives, because you've not had the chance (or had less chance) to make those memories. Please don't think that I'm playing down the significance of a parent dying, I will be absolutely devastated when I lose mine, but I'm trying to make sense of why losing a child feels so bad.

BadlyWrittenPoem

sweaty_betty wrote: »

I'm wondering if it's a different kind of grief though - ultimately you expect to outlive your parents, but losing a child (in pregnancy or otherwise) is so wrong, it's the wrong order and unlike other bereavements you can't think "well they had a good innings" or remember happy things about their lives, because you've not had the chance (or had less chance) to make those memories. Please don't think that I'm playing down the significance of a parent dying, I will be absolutely devastated when I lose mine, but I'm trying to make sense of why losing a child feels so bad.

I think you're right that there's a difference because one is something that you expect to happen someday whereas the other is something that is not "supposed" to happen. Also, when the child is unborn, it is much more ignored and unrecognised by society partly because other people therefore didn't "know" the child whereas lots of people have shared memories of your parents and partly because people just choose to ignore it for whatever reason.

claire16c

BadlyWrittenPoem wrote: »

I think you're right that there's a difference because one is something that you expect to happen someday whereas the other is something that is not "supposed" to happen. Also, when the child is unborn, it is much more ignored and unrecognised by society partly because other people therefore didn't "know" the child whereas lots of people have shared memories of your parents and partly because people just choose to ignore it for whatever reason.

Yup.

And for some reason it's a taboo subject so although when you have s miscarriage personally I then started finding out about all these other family & friends who had had them too, before that you feel totally alone.

Even now with certain groups of people I feel like my mc is a white elephant in the room because I know ppl refrain from conversations about babies around me, which I'm glad they do but it also makes me embarrassed.

samtoby

Thank you all for your messages. I feel like a total idiot tbh. Why is this now happening a few weeks after the terrible event. I don't feel alone but I feel I have lost something that I saw alive and that makes me feel cheated.

I had my son with no issues aside from him being a little early and he wasn't planned. I expected a planned pregnancy to be easier but it has been a very emotional journey. My feelings are just getting worse and then I feel guilty because I was only at my 12 week scan. People get to their 20 weeks or even later and have the news that I had.

I think I need to sit and talk to my OH. I want nothing more than to be pregnant but I need him to know how I am feeling.

I am greatful that you all have shared your feelings, I know how hard that must be.

xx

claire16c

Sam I remember you said you didn't really take any time off work or anything when it happened, maybe you just blocked it all in and only now is it really you're able to let it out?

BadlyWrittenPoem

claire16c wrote: »

Yup.

And for some reason it's a taboo subject so although when you have s miscarriage personally I then started finding out about all these other family & friends who had had them too, before that you feel totally alone.

Even now with certain groups of people I feel like my mc is a white elephant in the room because I know ppl refrain from conversations about babies around me, which I'm glad they do but it also makes me embarrassed.

Most people IRL only know about the third time when I was five months and had also been very ill and virtually housebound for the whole pregnancy and people mostly acted like I'd never been pregnant - one person actually asked me about a month after by baby was born if I'd had much harvest from my vegetable patch that year. I just said, "I wasn't able to plant anything because I was ill" but I was thinking, "I can't believe you just asked me that - did you not notice what just happened?" In theory I could have planted straight after the pregnancy but at that stage I considered it an acheivment if I got dresses and cleaned my teeth twice in one day.

BadlyWrittenPoem

samtoby wrote: »

My feelings are just getting worse and then I feel guilty because I was only at my 12 week scan. People get to their 20 weeks or even later and have the news that I had.

Having had it happen to me at different stages, I would say that it is a different experience later on but I don't think that there is a magic number of weeks at which grief becomes valid or that before a certain point it should be easier. Although my latest one I think has been the hardest, there were other factors which made it harder such as the fact that it was the third in a row, the fact that I had been so ill and lost four months of my life seemingly for nothing, the fact that I thought I was "safe" because I was ill, the fact that my four year old knew and grieved for her eagerly anticipated sister and a myriad of other reasons. And I actually found my earliest miscarriage (the second) harder than the first miscarriage because I hadn't expected it to go wrong at such an early stage which made it a shock. From the moment you get that positive pregnancy test your entire future is changed and you start to make plans so when that baby and that future is suddenly whipped away from you it is a shock and it is difficult whatever stage you were at.

just_trying

Evening all, hope you are OK plmbl, take care thinking about you x.

Sam sorry you're feeling so down, completely get it. It's rubbish isn't it. It's soo hard. I remember the day after it happened my dd asking if I would have a baby she didn't know what had happened and I had been pg, it just breaks your heart. I just hope it gets easier.

Take care everyone and big hugs to you all xxx.