Miscarriage support

msb5262

faithhope wrote: »

I had two miscarriages last year - spring and summer. Luckily got surgery pretty quickly - one at 11pm on a Sunday night as an emergency cos I was bleeding so heavily. I previously had a natural one which was horrendous so it was good to recover quickly - physically at least. The thing is I coped really well at the time although I was sad. The problem is that I think I must have been subconsciously suppressing it as just recently I have been very sad and have this load of grief that I just haven't dealt with. How have you all dealt with it? I've tried being practical, getting on with things, counting my blessings etc but it hasn't made the sadness go away however logical I try to be. Yeah I could talk to friends, family, potentially a counsellor but I don't see how me rambling on about it is going to make me feel any better

Hi faithhope -
I'm very sorry to hear of your two losses, it sounds as if you've had an awful time of it. Not surprised you are feeling sad at all.
Regarding the bit in bold...actually you'd be surprised how talking can help you deal with what's happened. You may find that counselling will make a massive difference to how you feel. Maybe you could talk to your GP and see what they can offer?
Best wishes
MsB

BadlyWrittenPoem

faithhope wrote: »

I had two miscarriages last year - spring and summer. Luckily got surgery pretty quickly - one at 11pm on a Sunday night as an emergency cos I was bleeding so heavily. I previously had a natural one which was horrendous so it was good to recover quickly - physically at least. The thing is I coped really well at the time although I was sad. The problem is that I think I must have been subconsciously suppressing it as just recently I have been very sad and have this load of grief that I just haven't dealt with. How have you all dealt with it? I've tried being practical, getting on with things, counting my blessings etc but it hasn't made the sadness go away however logical I try to be. Yeah I could talk to friends, family, potentially a counsellor but I don't see how me rambling on about it is going to make me feel any better

Talking to someone can give you different ways of looking at/thinking about things. Also, it can help having someone acknowledge what you have been through as significant/important and your feelings as valid.

Things that have helped me are:

• trying to accept that it's okay to feel sad and that I don't have to just get on with things and ignore it all the time
• talking to friends who are understanding
• reading things written by other people who have gone through similar - it really helps to know that other people have felt the same seemingly crazy things that I do and helps me to feel like the way I am feeling is normal; Still Standing is an online magazine for people coping with loss and/or infertility and it is brilliant.
• writing poems
• noticing good things that have happened that wouldn't have happened otherwise (not that those things are "worth it" but they help me to know that good things have resulted and it is not all bad iyswim)
• expecting to feel sad at times like key dates
• planning to do particular things to mark key dates and/or telling friends about key dates - just being able to tell a friend or friends that a due date is coming up helps in a way

I wouldn't say I *have* dealt with - more that I *am* dealing with it and it is an ongoing process.


Also, something that sprung to my mind is whether one of your babies was due recently as you said one of your miscarriages was in the summer. The due date when your baby would have been born (as opposed to anniversaries of it in subsequent years) can be particularly hard so that could be a factor in why you have suddenly found things harder - I know I was completely overwhelmed by one of my due dates and it was a huge shock and very bewildering as it was very sudden and totally unexpected.


And, I don't know whether you are TTC or not but, another thought I've had is that I also found it progressively harder each month while TTC because each month that I didn't get pregnant made the impact of my losses greater as a baby was delayed even further.


Don't know whether any of that is useful - it turned into rather an essay!

msb5262

BadlyWrittenPoem - what a fantastic post. You have been very brave and it's really good of you to share all those thoughts...other women will gain from your experience. Well done you.
MsB x

TeamLowe

Faithhope sorry to hear of your losses, there was two things that really helped me..
1) stopping trying to be fine. I wanted so desperately to feel better that I was forcing myself to get over it which just messed with my head even more, depressed the grief until it burst like a dam in work and I was running crying to the toilets every five minutes. Another lady was told 'you'll never be normal again, you have a new normal now' and it's true.
2) had counselling. I'd never had anything like it before and was unsure of its usefulness. But I found that being able to go into a room and pouring out all the pent up emotions for an hour a week made me realise how jumbled up and confused my thoughts were. Being able to work through them helped me to accept what had happen

I always say to anyone on here as my only main piece of advice- be kind to yourself. Don't try to jolly yourself along or think 'I should be feeling better by now'. Let your grief find its own way.

cleofish

I think your post badlywrittenpoem was really good with some good advice.

I am sorry for your losses ladies and for the thread popping up, but it does help to read of others who have been through the same.

In regards to 'management of a miscarriage' as the docs like to call it, I think its all individual I have had the op but I also tried the natural way but for me it didnt work and dragged on for weeks with bleeding and in the end I ended up with the op anyway, read exeperiencs here and have a talk and think with your partner before choosing which way to go.

I also was a believer that going for counselling meant I had failed to deal with it myself and I moved on from each mc showing a hardened front, most of the time for me and to protect others as well, I didnt want them worrying how I was coping and dealing with it all.
But I found I wasnt actually dealing with my emotions and the experiences of having mcs and sometimes all it took was an anniversary of a due date, friends getting preg etc to just set me back on the path as if it were day 1 again.

I went to my gp to request some counselling ironically when I had just found out I was pregnant, because of my mcs in the past even being pregnant wasnt the end to the stress and the feelings of hurt.
I thought a long time ago getting pregnant would 'erase' the pain of a mc but for me it didnt and I found more so than ever being pregnant I needed to be able to deal with everything I had been bottling up with everything over the past 5 years.

And what I found the best was after telling the counsellor my whole story over the past 5 years to have someone look at you and say, wow you have been through an awful lot, it is a lot to deal with gave me the ley way to think that about myself as well, I had been through a lot I needed to look after myself and give myself a break, experiences like mc cant be got over in a day, week or even a year they will be with you forever but it does get better and you do learn to live it with it better but just to ease up on yourself if you crack emotionally sometimes.

Sorry for the length! I wish you all the best and strength for everyone who has suffered.

faithhope

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply esp the really long ones. I do really appreciate your comments. One of my babies was due on mothers day so maybe that was a bit of a trigger. I am TTC but don't know how I'll feel if I get a BFP - excited probably but scared too. I think I do need to acknowledge my feelings and accept that they are valid. I suppose I have felt that they aren't valid because there are people in much worse situations. When I was in hospital the woman opposite was getting her whole womb removed due to cancer. Plus I have had 4 mcs in total but after the first two I did have a gorgeous baby girl whereas some of my friends have not managed to conceive at all. So I do feel like my feelings aren't valid. I think I will get in touch with the doc and see if there is anything counselling wise. What has put me off is that is that I'll feel really embarrassed to be sitting there blubbing away, even if they are used to it. Anyway thanks again

skintchick

Not been on here for a while so hugs to counting, sparkly and sophia's mum xxxx

faithhope wrote: »

I had two miscarriages last year - spring and summer. Luckily got surgery pretty quickly - one at 11pm on a Sunday night as an emergency cos I was bleeding so heavily. I previously had a natural one which was horrendous so it was good to recover quickly - physically at least. The thing is I coped really well at the time although I was sad. The problem is that I think I must have been subconsciously suppressing it as just recently I have been very sad and have this load of grief that I just haven't dealt with. How have you all dealt with it? I've tried being practical, getting on with things, counting my blessings etc but it hasn't made the sadness go away however logical I try to be. Yeah I could talk to friends, family, potentially a counsellor but I don't see how me rambling on about it is going to make me feel any better

Hi faithhope

I've had five miscarriages and one live birth. I'll be honest, initially I coped by getting pregnant again, then when I had to stop for investigations, I coped by getting come specific counselling through a charity called Reading Lifeline, who are specific to Reading area but they may know of other charities that do the same thing.

I had about ten sessions, which were structured to deal with different elements of miscarriage emotions, and although as we went through I felt nothing was changing, now I've finished I can see it has made a big difference.

I don;t think the time is the difference because I had had plenty of time before I started the counselling, there was definitely something beneficial in talking about it and working through the emotions.

Don't underestimate the power of having a safe place to ramble on!

fran-o

hi there ladies. So sorry to hear of more losses - big hugs to Sparkly, Sophias Mum and Counting... and also to everyone feeling sad.
I would add that I have found counselling helpful too. I got through the first few months with support from DH and immediate family as well as my boss at work and was probably too raw at that point to speak to anyone else. I felt like it was ok to be sad and that everyone could make allowances for that.
A few months later I felt like I *should* be getting back to normal, even though in reality I was still reeling from the loss. I had to wait another month to sort out counselling through work and it was such a good decision. The space to be totally honest and get things off my chest was so good for me. As brilliant as my hubby is, its fair to say I held back sometimes - not wanting to make him sad, not wanting to offend him etc - so having an independent listener was so good. I had three sessions (over six weeks) and have been told I can go back anytime I like. A good friend of mine is expecting and due end of this month and I can imagine going back for a chat then, perhaps again in June when our baby would have been due...

BadlyWrittenPoem

faithhope wrote: »

I suppose I have felt that they aren't valid because there are people in much worse situations. When I was in hospital the woman opposite was getting her whole womb removed due to cancer. Plus I have had 4 mcs in total but after the first two I did have a gorgeous baby girl whereas some of my friends have not managed to conceive at all. So I do feel like my feelings aren't valid. I think I will get in touch with the doc and see if there is anything counselling wise. What has put me off is that is that I'll feel really embarrassed to be sitting there blubbing away, even if they are used to it. Anyway thanks again

I have to confess to often thinking the same thing myself but just because someone else might be in a worse situation it doesn't mean your feelings are not valid. You can always find someone who is in a worse situation but I don't think that that means that everyone except the person with the "worst" situation should be skipping around merrily and he all happy and jolly and fluffy. Lots of things are hard and we all have different hard things and react in different ways but nobody else's situation makes the way you feel about your own invalid.

Also, I don't think having a child already makes your feelings invalid. Yes it means you don't for example have the worry of being childless that someone without children already might have but there are other aspects which can be difficult. All of my miscarriages were between my first and second living child and I would say that for me having a child already meant that I appreciated what I had lost in a way that I personally wouldn't have had I not had a child already. It also meant that I could see an ever lengthening age gap between my children and that DD1 was an only child for far longer than I ever wanted and I feared that she would never get the baby sibling she so longed for. Also, I don't think that the value of a baby you lose is related to how many living siblings they have - regardless of how many children you have any baby you lose is still a loved, wanted and precious baby. Yes, there are also plus points to having a child already in that you know it is possible for you to have a child and personally I found it stopped me staying in bed all day and forced me to maintain some semblance of normality when I might not otherwise have done so but having a child already isn't some kind of antidote to the sadness of the loss of an unborn child.

faithhope

Thanks BadlyWrittenPoem, it's so true what you've said