MSE Parents Club Part 10

My_Fathers_Daughter

Morning

Self-centred rant alert - feel free to skip



Not feeling great this morning. Not sure if it is down to the lack of sleep, the impending black cloud of being without hubby for 4-7 days or the fact that I was late coming into work and then got stuck in every bit of traffic imaginable.


Benjamin was awake from 12 til 2am, crying and just wanting me to sit in his room with him. He didn't actually want me at all, just was really struggling to settle and wanted me with him. A bit of calpol administered (after he was unceremoniously dumped in his high chair ) and a lot of shushing and hand holding did the trick eventually but he was still very unsettled and woke again at 6am.

Hubby goes into hospital tomorrow. We have to drop him off at 7am. There is currently no visiting in the hospital so we can't even take him in. They are reviewing the visitors policy again today and I honestly can't decide if it would be better for me for them to keep it to no visitors It is going to be hard enough work coping with home life and work life and Benjamin on my own without adding multiple hospital visits to the mix. But then the thought of not seeing hubby for a week, when he is only 5 minutes away, is horrible too.

I also feel like I am not being very supportive because I won't be going in with him, and I am not 100% sure of the details of the op and the post-op care... My mind can't seem to focus on hubbys needs at the moment

MIL is looking after Benjamin today and she called me on Monday to suggest that she looks after him til 7 or 8 so hubby and I can spend some time together before he goes into hospital. It sounded like a great idea at the time but now I am just thinking that it means I won't see my baby boy today (5 mins when he got up and 5 mins when we get back maybe); I have tons of stuff to do to get hubby ready; I will have to leave work early (when I was already extra-late) and what on earth are we going to do between 5.30pm and 7.30pm anyway.
Yes, I am an ungrateful cow


Sorry for the long self-centred post, I am just feeling a bit woe is me this morning.

cazscoob

i agree with a feeding group thats a greta idea MM!
as you know my sister has had an awful time with her little boy feeding and she has had no support whatsoever, when we went out on saturday the whole day was a fight to get him to take a bottle and he only had 8oz in a whole 12 hour period? there are also so many formulas when you walk into a shop so how do you know which one is best??

weezl74

MFD- Hubby going into hospital! I'm so sorry I must've been doing one of my very skimming catch ups and missed this!

If anyone would linkie me back to that I'd be ever so grateful. I probably clicked 'thanks' and everything

Big hugs MFD.

Be as 'woe is me' as you like m'lovely girl. We all need to do it :A

feelinggood_2

MFD - I missed about your OH too, what is happening? Hope you are okay x

Feeding groups - I see no problem with them, but don't think it should encroach on breastfeeding support. There is too little breastfeeding support as it is, and many women (wrongly) feel uncomfortable breastfeeding in front of non breastfeeding women, so it might deter more women from getting advice, which isn't a good thing I don't think. Personally I think we should do more to get people to breastfeed - more information, advice and support. To be honest, I don't understand what help a FF Mum would need - I thought all the instructions were on the tin?

SugarSpun

MFD, how awful for you. What I found was that OH was very much in favour of me doing what was best for Molly and me when he was in the hospital, and so if we squeezed in a visit that was wonderful and if not he had a lot of books to read and we'd talk to him on the phone.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery to him from us, and all manner of sanity vibes to you.

I think feeding rather than BF groups are an excellent idea. We were fortunate in not having any BF problems past the nipple blister she raised in the first few days but if there had been and I'd have had to switch to formula I'm not sure what I'd have done. There's just no support here at all for FF mothers, although many do it.

A friend of mine just had her midwife come for a postnatal check. Friend had an emergency C-section and wasn't able to BF. The midwife told her, apropos of nothing, that she's still a real woman even though she didn't have a vaginal birth or breastfeed. !!!!!!??!?!!?!!?!?! Who even suggested she might not be?!?!?! Friend was actually quite upset by it because she hadn't thought of herself as failing at delivery/feeding but now she thinks everyone's judging her.

I think the bit after the delivery and the baby bit where you actually raise a person rather than simply meeting the needs of the small squalling bundle is the bit that requires real parenting IYSWIM. The first bit is difficult and rewarding - I've yet to experience the joys of a mobile person calling me Mama, but I imagine it is astonishing and complex and a whole lot of other things. What I mean, ramblingly, is that we get so caught up in the way we start the babies off, but the way we parent them when they're old enough to disagree with us is the big bit. C-section and FF babies turn into back-chatting, questioning, into-everything children just like vaginal birth, BF ones. We do the best we can in our own circumstances and so long as we're doing that everyone second guessing us can jog on.

weezl74

Millie's_Mum wrote: »

I've mentioned before that I am on the parent forum for a surestart group, I am fighting at the moment for a feeding group, rather than a BF group, some of the surestart/HV people do not understand why I am adamant it should be a feeding group rather than a BF group.

Would any of you mind if I used some of your comments in my argument? Jillie, particularly what you said about feeling that there is no support.

Great idea Millie's Mum.

Can I add another twopennorth?

*Goes ahead anyway!*

Apologies for being a bit political here!:o

I feel the whole midwifery/HV/medical profession need to seriously consider the ramifications of the decision to let the rule be 'don't promote Formula feeding' because of the effects that this has.

I completely understand that we need to promote breast-feeding:T:T:T, and I would wholeheartedly fight if that was being challenged in any way.

I also feel that by giving very little mention to FF (in order to demonstrate they are not promoting it in anyway) some of the adverse effects of FF (the reasons why BF is shown to have advantages) are not offset/compensated for in the life of a child.:(

Example: studies show that BF children are more securely attached to their mum.:)

Is this to do with a magical property of breastmilk? I personally don't think so (well not mostly anyhow) My best guess is that this is about feeding always being the same person, who smells the same and cuddles you up close to their bare skin. And who takes time with you. And everything is warm and doesn't feel like rubber in your mouth. And is a smell and voice that you half remember from before you were born.:)

So would it not be much more forward thinking to have feeding support groups which show mums who need to make the decision to FF for whatever reason, how to closely match the BF experience for the baby, just at an attachment level?

I also read a fascinating study which shows that BF mums subconsciously 'teach' their baby about conversational turn taking. They remain quiet while the baby sucks, and then chat gently to him or sing while he pauses. It's like a dialogue. FF mums are less likely to spot the pauses in the same way (cos there's not such a physical reminder) But what about support that would help us to do that? Or even just to know about it so we could try if we wanted to?

I am just saddened when I feel that 'don't promote FF' becomes 'and don't educate or support those who FF so they can give the baby the best experience possible'.

I really hope what I've written comes across as respectful to all views within the BF/FF spectrum, I certainly mean it to.

Love Weezl x

weezl74

feelinggood wrote: »

To be honest, I don't understand what help a FF Mum would need - I thought all the instructions were on the tin?

Feelie, I wonder if what I just posted about attachment and language development might in part respond to this? There's nowt about cuddles and skin and turn taking on the tin :)

Thanks for what you said earlier. I know no-one on here judges me :beer:. You aren't militant, you are rightly fervent about a great cause!

My_Fathers_Daughter

weezl74 wrote: »

MFD- Hubby going into hospital! I'm so sorry I must've been doing one of my very skimming catch ups and missed this!

If anyone would linkie me back to that I'd be ever so grateful. I probably clicked 'thanks' and everything

Big hugs MFD.

Be as 'woe is me' as you like m'lovely girl. We all need to do it :A

LOL - I wasn't sure if I had told you on here either but yesterday JAM asked me about it so unless she has been stalking me IRL (:eek:) I assume I must have.


Hubby is going for a hernia op. He had a really bad accident before we got together and has a big scar down his tummy where they opened him up. There were lots of internal stitches where his muscles were sewn back and a bit of his inestine (I think!) has popped through! It is called a post-incisional hernia. It just makes him a funny shape, he has like a funny bobbly bit on his stomach.

So because it is quite a complex op and they are opening the original wound then he has to be in between 4 and 7 days and then he will not be able to pick Benjamin up (or anything else!) for anywhere up to 2 months, depending on his healing.



Does anybody have any helpful tips as to what I could send him in with to cheer him up? I have said he can take my kindle with as many books as he wants on it :cool:

got-it-spend-it

MFD- I too missed what hubby is going in for, but wish him a very speedy recovery. I don't blame you for being totally woe is me. Don't forget we are all here to support you.

SugarSpun wrote: »

MFD, how awful for you. What I found was that OH was very much in favour of me doing what was best for Molly and me when he was in the hospital, and so if we squeezed in a visit that was wonderful and if not he had a lot of books to read and we'd talk to him on the phone.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery to him from us, and all manner of sanity vibes to you.

I think feeding rather than BF groups are an excellent idea. We were fortunate in not having any BF problems past the nipple blister she raised in the first few days but if there had been and I'd have had to switch to formula I'm not sure what I'd have done. There's just no support here at all for FF mothers, although many do it.

A friend of mine just had her midwife come for a postnatal check. Friend had an emergency C-section and wasn't able to BF. The midwife told her, apropos of nothing, that she's still a real woman even though she didn't have a vaginal birth or breastfeed. !!!!!!??!?!!?!!?!?! Who even suggested she might not be?!?!?! Friend was actually quite upset by it because she hadn't thought of herself as failing at delivery/feeding but now she thinks everyone's judging her.

I think the bit after the delivery and the baby bit where you actually raise a person rather than simply meeting the needs of the small squalling bundle is the bit that requires real parenting IYSWIM. The first bit is difficult and rewarding - I've yet to experience the joys of a mobile person calling me Mama, but I imagine it is astonishing and complex and a whole lot of other things. What I mean, ramblingly, is that we get so caught up in the way we start the babies off, but the way we parent them when they're old enough to disagree with us is the big bit. C-section and FF babies turn into back-chatting, questioning, into-everything children just like vaginal birth, BF ones. We do the best we can in our own circumstances and so long as we're doing that everyone second guessing us can jog on.

About a week after I had Henry one of my 'best' friends said something along the lines of 'but at least you didn't actually have to give birth properly....' (because I had an EMCS after labouring for 44 hours). I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but I still remember it!

money_maker_3

Morning all

MM I think a feeding support group is a fab idea !!
Feelie, instructions on the tin tell you how to make it up - nothing else !!!! We struggle with what teat to use, what bottle to use, which brand of formula, how the bottles should be stored, what to do if they throw up every bottle, what temp to serve it at, when to change to a different milk, how to ensure they are made up as safely as possible and many many many other issues.
FF mums are not evil, but yet are pretty much just left to their own devices as its just making up a bottle !! If only !! I FF Jasmine, and I picked a milk and she was fine ... I FF Dylan and we have had so many problems you wouldnt believe !! As a 2nd time mum, I am expected to know everything , but how am I supposed to know that when it wasnt an issue with my first !!
I am very lucky and have a fantastic HV who has helped me through a lot of things, but if it wasnt for her, I would have had no one to turn to for all that support

Sorry long winded

MFD ((hugs)) hun, I know what you mean about it being easier f you cant visit though, I did it with Chris when Jas was a baby and I was at work, and you will be more than exhausted at hte end of it and end up sick yourself. Even if they do allow visiting, just go once a day and dont feel you have to stay for the full 2 hours or whatever, your OH will understand