How to deal with a child who has mental health issues.

stef240377

mrcow wrote: »

Hi Stef,

After reading your opening post, one thing really screamed out at me (but I may have the wrong end of the stick - so correct if need be). Your son is 15, is currently going through spate of self harm and a suicide attmpts etc. He's stealing, he is agressive and you are having major problems with him......and then in the background, there is a 12 year old grl involved who he is pressuring for sex.

Do you really think it's fair to expose a 12 year old child to all of this? For her to have a boyfriend who is that unstable that he tries to hang himself?

It's not acceptable for him to be in any sort of close and personal contact with someone like this until he gets himself sorted out. Do her parents know about him and what he's been doing?......they need to know.

I know you have "had a word" but this is in no way sufficient.

He is 13 not 15. We did not know about his girlfriend until i looked o his facebook account. He asked her in his words 'when do you think you will be ready to sleep with me wid protection', she replied 'omg im too young, i dunno will you dump me', to which he said 'no only if you tell me family about us'.

I have explained to this girl that at the min he is poorly and i am doing what i can to help him, for the time being apart from school he is not going out of the house without supervision, i let the girl come round the house last night again we were in and they were not left alone, more to show him we dont have a problem with him having a girlfriend but to try and gain trust on a common playing field so to speak.

As i have only just found out about this girl i think it is a little to early to go round telling tom ,rich and harry i have an ill son who given the problems stacked up against him could hurt your daughter and have him isolated even further or possibly even attract more bullying from this.

As you can see from me informing the school nurse and gp and securing an emergency app with the CAHMS team i really am trying but is it really right to persecute him further if this is only a cry for help rather than a child who will go on to cause serious harm to others?

stef240377

Errata wrote: »

This is the phone number for the Birmingham NHS Mental Health Trust PALS (Patient Advice and Liaison Service). All health trusts have their own PALS service, with a different phone number, are usually open during office hours and staffed by non-clinical workers. HTH

I dont live far from Birmingham so i dont know if i would need to contact that number or the one for south staffs, we are on one of those daft borders where you occassionally fit in the catagory for a hospital in one district and the criteria for another in a different one.

mrcow

Stef - all I am saying is that if my 12 year old daughter was being exposed to this, I would expect the parents of her boyfriend to inform me and to reassure me or at least encourage her to tell them. They need to know - he has attempted suicide and is self harmng. It is not right to expose their 12 year old kid to this without their knowledge.

stef240377

I appreciate that but as they do not go to the same school, he is not going out of the house with out either myself or husband except for school which he is taken in the car too and dropped of to reception to sign in to ensure he gets marks other wise i get a phone call and he can only see her at my home on my terms oh and his internet privliges revoked for time being she isnt really as exposed to it as you may think.

As it has only been 2 days that we have known about this girl the likely hood is that they have only been seeing each other since sunday (if you can really class it as that) as it is the only day he has been out the house without us and then he was only on the green at the back of the house so visible to the public as its not a secluded area. Until i have spoken with the CAHMS team i do not think it would be productive to tell her parents, after the meeting if they think it is necessary then fine but i can see that spiralling into another round of self hatred if he does not have someone he can confide in away from the home who is not a proffessional and constantly know he is being pyschoanalysed. I have talked to the girl via facebook as she added me as a friend and she has said if he does say anything to her she will either contact me or my other two children who go to her school, i think by building up trust with both of them it may pay in the long run.

mrcow

Hi Stef I appreciate what you are saying and that you are trying to protect your son. I also understand what you are saying about the fact that they may barely know each other. If he's only known her since Sunday - would he seriously be pressuring her for sex already? He's 13.

I leave it with you as I've made my point - but be aware - if you are letting this girl into your house, you have a duty of care towards her. If indeed she is going to be coming into your house (say on a weekly basis or more regulalrly) her parents have a right to know what's occured. It's got nothing to do with what is best for your son, but what is right and responsible for you to do as an adult in this situation.

It is not about not allowing you to get some trust into the situation as far as your relationship with your child - but more to do with your responsiblities in terms of protecting the safety of the children here. Saying "I'm supervising" is in no way good enough. Not without her parents' informed consent.

DVardysShadow

mrcow wrote: »

Hi Stef I appreciate what you are saying and that you are trying to protect your son. I also understand what you are saying about the fact that they may barely know each other. If he's only known her since Sunday - would he seriously be pressuring her for sex already? He's 13.

I leave it with you as I've made my point - but be aware - if you are letting this girl into your house, you have a duty of care towards her. If indeed she is going to be coming into your house (say on a weekly basis or more regulalrly) her parents have a right to know what's occured. It's got nothing to do with what is best for your son, but what is right and responsible for you to do as an adult in this situation.

It is not about not allowing you to get some trust into the situation as far as your relationship with your child - but more to do with your responsiblities in terms of protecting the safety of the children here. Saying "I'm supervising" is in no way good enough. Not without her parents' informed consent.

I think you are being a bit OTT and prescriptive here. He is not on the sex offenders register, so he should not be treated as though he is. There are 2 issues of concern - firstly the facebook conversation and secondly his self harm and general state. So there is a risk to be managed - but let's get even that into proportion. Ever since god made little apples young males have been pressurising young females for sex. So the fact that it is on facebook means that the evidence is more tangible - it doesn't mean that we should run around like headless chickens and put chastity belts on the pair of them - it actually makes no difference because we know that sort of conversation happens, unless we need to come out of denial,

What is needed is some adult concern and some management of the situation. Stef is doing this by supervising the contact at her end. It is her choice as to how she manages the situation but FWIW, she has it about right in my book. The girl's parent should be doing the same, whether or not Stef says anything and regardless of who her boyfriend is.

DVardysShadow

stef240377 wrote: »

I moved here four years ago as we had a lot of grief at the other house plus it being too close to his bio dad, one lad in the street had an asbo and would go out armed with a bb gun shooting at anyone and anything. He settled here quite well, enjoyed the idea of having a house instead of a masionette, We got pets as we wouldnt risk it before and allowed him to have a say in what senior school he moved up to. All seemed well and good till the bullying and the attacks. He has repressed further and further and like i say as soon as school is out for the hols we get some normality back.

I have been on to the school numerous times to see if there is a bullying issue present - possibly someone who has a grudge against my son for the other lad getting shifted to another school but nope all comes back as a blank. All the teachers/heads of dept/heads of year/ pastoral support etc all come back saying he is extremely popular, large circle of friends and all that and i should have nothing to worry about and i end up feeling like a neurotic parent who dreams up situations.

Now the gp has got the referal in place pending on a phone call i do have to notify the school nurse tomorrow so maybe more will come from this in time... just really dont know.

OK, you have done the move, got some benefit. I would say no further mileage in it, you have to identify and deal with his real and imagined fears where you are

mrcow

DVardysShadow wrote: »

What is needed is some adult concern and some management of the situation. Stef is doing this by supervising the contact at her end. It is her choice as to how she manages the situation but FWIW, she has it about right in my book. The girl's parent should be doing the same, whether or not Stef says anything and regardless of who her boyfriend is.

Actually I think that you are the one who is missing the point. This child has attepted to hang himself. He has a 12 year old girlfriend who he is obviously going to be sharing his his thoughts and problems with. If there is any sort of sustained relationship here, her parents have a right to know what sort of state of mind he is in.

She is 12 years old. Stef "managing" this via Facebook messing the girl is inappropriate. Any conversations that Stef has with this girl about what's been going on should be happening with the knowledge of her parents.

stef240377

I dont believe i said he had tried to hang himself at all i said strangle i at no time said how the attempted to this.

jackieglasgow

I also don't think asking her if she'd have sex with him is pressuring her. Unfortunately a lot of kids these days don't treat sex with the same gravitas that we did when we were younger, and it's on a par with what "slipping the hand" was in our day! The fact that he backed off immediately when she said no suggests to me that he was asking a question he felt he needed to ask, because of peer pressure, etc. and would have probably run a mile if she had said yes, as would have most 13 year old boys in our day!!!