How to deal with a child who has mental health issues.

stef240377

Apologies if this is a long one but feel all the informataion is necesssary to get a clearer picture.

I have 3 children aged 15, 13 and 12. The 15yo and 12yo have the same father and the 13yo has a different one but was/has been brought up by the other two dad as his own child. 13 DS knows his bio dad and had contact through the courts access program until he was 6yo. Contact was stopped as bio dad was abusive towards him, from what i can get from ds verbally and i do not know if physically but most definitely emotionally. I have been with my husband over 3 years.

Contact was stopped after a weekend visit saw ds returned with his head totally shaved - bio dad and mates took turns while intoxicated and on illegal drugs to shave patterns into his hair till he had nothing left but a few bits of stubble and cuts from the clipper edges. From what ds has said he was often left to fall asleep on pub benches in smoking yards while his dad was inside getting drunk. When in his house he was left with several locally known drug dealers and told he would get nothing to eat unless he shut up. Solicitor agreed it was detrimental to his health to continue contact and we went back to court to get it stopped until a time ds was able to cope with being around him again. Bio dad did not argue in court. DS is petrified of him and will hide behind me if we see him in town etc. No one to one contact has been had since and nothing received for birthdays or xmas's.

Other two childrens dad has had no contact with them for 3 years after spending more and more time with newer and constantly younger girlfriends and the current one has just turned 19 and he is almost 33.
18 months ago ds was attacked on numerous occassions by a child in his year at school. This was delat with by the police. As a by product of this it has left him with a series of nervous ticks - grunting, wrenching neck, constantly fiddling with hands if not holding xbox control. He was referred to a child pychotherapist at the local hospital who has dismissed the ticks as something he will out grow but has taken an interest in his turn for the worse grades at school and is attempting to gain progress in this area. At the last appointment in December he asked the school nurse to have words with him and see if she could keep and eye on him in school. This was because he has been stealing from the home, at times silly things like full packets of biscuits, chocolate and now a regular occurance is money. (Food should not be an issue, they eat three very substantial meals a day with puddings after most evening.) meals, they take an item each from the 'tuck' tub for school and have snacks in the home, i always have full cupboards and freezers The most that has gone in one go is £50. We have confronted him about all of it but it is never him, always one if his siblings trying to stitch him up. He was caught out one night having stolen £10 out of my purse as he had been to youth club. We gave him £3, 50p entry and the rest to go on food and drink while he was there or his games of pool. When he got home he had almost £6 in his wallet plus had managed to buy everyone at home a mars bar. We calmly explained his maths were way out and i had money missing. He went on the defensive so in anger told him i would not have a thief in the house any longer and went to the police station with him. My husband was told as it was friday night they would not do anything but to bring him back next day and they would take matters further, this could mean giving him a fine which in turn i would still have to pay for so felt it was useless going back. He has had a verbal warning prior to this when the £50 went missing.

A week or so later my husband asked him what had happened to his arm as he had circular marks on his left forearm. He said it was nothing and hid it away. We later found out through his brother he was burning the skin with aerosols in his bedroom, this was mentioned to the pyschologist and hence the school nurse stepping in to see hiim at school. She had a meeting with him 3 weeks ago and he manipulated her into thinking she was dealing with a 'Kevin and Perry' type attituded child who had his head screwed on but may have lacked a little confidence and self esteem.
Things now take a turn for the worse, last night after one of his Kevin an Perry strops he started an argument in his bedroom with younger brother, this led to a bit of slapping and pushing around. Thinking that it would be over and done with in a couple of mins ignored it as all siblings fight from time to time then kiss and make up. This time it was not the case, i went upstairs broke them up and told em if they want a slap i would give them both one and they got a very light tap on the arm - have no strength in hands any way because of arthritis. Seperated them by telling youngest to then go and get a bath as he had had pe that day and the older one to get his pj's on and get into bed and think about his actions. All went quiet till youngest went back into the bedroom to get dressed in to pjs as he found the older one trying to strangle himself. With all the shouting going on assumed it was round two of the arguing so asked hubby to go up as he is the calmer one of us. He found son trying to strangle himself and said it took a lot of physical force from himself to stop the ds doing this. As you would expect the younger one was petrified and needed consolling but was still sent to bed as he understood the punishment from before.
Having spoke to ds1 he states he is not loved or cared for, constantly gets the blame so wants to kill himself. I have told him i am going to get him an appoinment with the dr and hopefully it will be referred to CAHMS or someone else who can deal with self harming. We left him to calm down after emphasising he is treated no different to the others etc, etc. He went to sleep after around 20 mins. Stayed asleep all night so was obviously tired as has had around 12 hours sleep. It is not a case of too many late nights as his bed time is 9pm. I have not slept a wink in case he waited for one of us to go up and try it again. Hubby got him up today and asked to have words with him saying if he has any problems and feels he cant tell us verbally then he is to write them down and we will work it out that way. Hubby took him to school and made sure he was signed in for the day so i know he has been accounted for. I have managed to get an appointment at 6pm with gp and have spoken with the school nurse who has taken everything on board and has said with my permission she is going to contact the school and get it made aware with the more important members of staff in the school so a further watch over him can be made, she has also said if gp does not refer him to anyone tonight to ring back tomorrow and she will get an immediate app.

So with all this in mind is there anything else i can be doing? Any one else i can contact as i really now feel out of my depth. Before any one starts on the child abuse side if matters the slap he got was not a severe as it sounds and i have had harder slaps on the bum in a playing way than a physical harming one.

Broken_hearted

sorry no help just some hugs.

floss2

When you see your GP, be completely honest and up-front about what has been happening and ask for an urgent referral to your local CAMHS team (child & adolescent mental health service). Also, please think about the fact that your son may have to be admitted to hospital while they start to help him.

:grouphug:
Floss x

gingin_2

Big hugs to you too.

I am sorry it doesn't help directly but can I just say you might be best to take the pic down of your family, just to keep it totally anonymous for your sons.

I'm sure you'll get lots of great advice.

stef240377

I tried to explain to him last night that these are the actions of some one who is poorly and that if it continues in some form or another he may have to be taken from the home to get help. He seemed very matter of fact over it all.

I have attempted to find out if he is being bullied but that draws a blank. I hacked into his facebook account last night to try and see if there is anything going on he will not talk to me about. I didnt want him to have the FB account and he set it up behind my back at school. He seems to have a girl friend who is a year younger and goes to a diffferent school. She does not know anything as i asked her several times if he has confided in her. I have told her if she tells me anything i will not say where i got the information from. She said she will speak to my daughter in school today as it is easier for her and she wont look a 'grass' in my sons eyes as i could see in a converstion he had left open with her he has threatened to 'dump' her if his family find out about them being together. He then goes on to ask when he thinks she wil be ready to sleep with him using protection. Again i am not niave, he is a teenager with raging hormones so at some point it was inevitable he would try to act up on them. I have explained to him he can not put this amount of pressure on a 12yo girl and that it is illegal for him to go ahead with any of the actions of sleeping with her. He tried to dent any of this was said till i told him i have means and ways of getting into his fb account even if he changes the password. That i have seen what he has written and so can not lie about it. Again i know this is a breach of his privacy but needs must if it means i can make sense of what he is going through.

The school nurse said she has a referal in place for him to attend a local thing called Turnaround. It is run with the help of police and can stop a child offending - or to a point where they could end up with a conviction, by getting them one to one counselling and getting them involved in projects to use up there spare time. The Pcso in our area has already seen him in school and are awaiting a placement for him.

stef240377

gingin wrote: »

Big hugs to you too.

I am sorry it doesn't help directly but can I just say you might be best to take the pic down of your family, just to keep it totally anonymous for your sons.

I'm sure you'll get lots of great advice.

My children know i use this site for advise on all matter of things and i am sure if something constructive came from this they would be as immensely grateful as i will be, especially my youngest son who has to share a room with him.

Morglin

Go to your GP and ask for a referral to a child mental health iunit.

Tell the school what you are doing, so that they know you are trying to sort things out.

Good luck.

Lin

stef240377

Morglin wrote: »

Go to your GP and ask for a referral to a child mental health iunit.

Tell the school what you are doing, so that they know you are trying to sort things out.

Good luck.

Lin

As communications are pretty poor between pupil/child and school, the school nurse is notifying all teaching teams and possibly pastoral care as she believes in doing so all main influential people in school will then know and be aware of what to look out for.

Counting_Pennies_2

Goodness, this is complex, and very stressful for you all.

I had numerous problems as a child, not as you describe, but mixed up and angry at my family.

My family seemed oblivious to the problems.

Counselling is worth a go, but I have to say I didn't really understand my problems until much later on in my life, and am able to deal with them now in my 30s. Counselling didn't work for me then, but that could have been poor quality NHS treatment!

I know it is slightly bizaare, but if you have spare cash, I would recommend taking him for cranial osteopathy. It is very good for depression, and I do think this is something your son is going through.

It is proven for postnatal depression, and I think it might be worth a shot for you, in addition to the other things you do. It releases the tensions in the body, and helps everything flow better. It is just very gentle movement on his head, he won't feel a thing, just lie there, you can be in the room too.

I make it sound so mumbo jumbo, but believe me, out of all my treatments for depression this is the one that has had the most tangible results for me. In addition to counselling.

It sounds like he was very badly treated by his father, and I think this is probably something way back in his mind that is fixed and troubling him.

I don't know what the answers are, I do agree with writing the feelings down if he can't speak with you, but do go easy with talking about what he has written down. All the feelings he has are valid, they might not be what you see is what is happening, but that is how he is feeling, so try hard not to dismiss them.

There are no quick fixes here, I feel for you all, and hope you can get some help.

x

Molly41

Im so sorry for your son and for you as a family - I know its very hard. My DD self-harms so I know it breaks your heart every time it happens. My DD has threatened to kill herself on several occasions but has never to my knowledge done anything towards that end. Was this a genuine attempt to kill himself or a cry for help to show you how desperate he is feeling? His emotions are all over the place and you cant be sure exactly what happened to him all those years ago. I cope with my daughter by maintaining a sense of normality and routine. I never comment on her latest body art as I feel its reinforcing the negative but I do make sure I try to praise the positives whatever that might be. Im still waiting for help but I hope you get help much quickly and it sounds like the school nurse will help. Good luckxx

CG77

Hi Stef,

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. There is obviously lots going on in this poor young chap's mind at the mo and I hope referral to CAHMS might help you (do persist with this and ask to see someone else in the CAHMS team if you don't get the help you need. I hear mixed reviews of CAHMS-like every organisation there are good workers and not-so-good ones. The good ones can and do make a huge difference though so do persevere).

As I said there is obviously lots more than this going on at the moment for him but his self-esteem is obviously extremely low. Although it's hard to hear, it's great that he's sharing how he's feeling about not being loved etc. Can you try to spend some one-to-one time with him. Maybe arrange something for the weekend where your OH does something with the other two while you do something just with him? A great time for talking is in the car, so there doesn't have to be eye contact. He might not want to talk about what's going on in his mind, but even general chit chat about his friends, computer games, music, anything that interests him will make him feel valued (I'm sure you do all this anyway and am not trying to teach a granny to suck eggs, but he just sounds like he needs more of this just now).

Also the stealing and fighting etc is classic attention seeking behaviour and of course when he's feeling so low, even negative attention is attention at the moment so you need to try to turn that around if you can. Try not to get angry or shout (I know it's hard!!) when he does these things, but it can be helpful to use phrases like, 'Your behaviour is showing me you're really not feeling happy at the moment.' Of course there need to be consequences to this type of behaviour, but for children with self-esteem issues (and while he's having his issues dealt with hopefully by the outside agencies) it can be helpful for them to be 'natural consequences' as opposed to something which may be seen as further rejection of him if you see what i mean. For example if he steals money, you could just say, 'Well that's sad, because I planned to use that money to take you to the cinema/bowling etc this weekend but now we don't have the money so we won't be able to do that now (so go to the park or something cheaper instead)'. Or a natural consequence for the fighting could be that both of them have to sit downstairs with you instead of being upstairs alone-explain it's not as a 'punishment' as such, but because you love them so much and worry they might get hurt. Can you see what I'm saying here? Hope I'm being clear. Just try to pay attention to any consequences so they will not reinforce his low self-esteem.

You may also fine he tries to sabotage nice times you plan-his negative behaviours may be to try to validate his feelings of not being worthy, kind of 'they don't like me anyway so I'll give them a reason not to be nice to me'. It's very hard, but don't let him spoil things. Maybe try to say things like, 'It's sad that you want to try to spoil this for us, but we love you and want to spend some time with you today so we are going to go'.

There is a great book that you can buy from Amazon by Caroline Archer called 'Next steps in parenting the child who hurts'. It's aimed at children who have been in foster care or adopted but can give you some ideas of how children who have gone through issues of feeling rejected might feel.

I hope that helps somewhat and all the best - it's not an easy time for you at the moment but with the right support it should get easier.

CG. x