How to deal with a child who has mental health issues.

**confuzzled**

Hi Stef....I'm so sorry you're going through this:( I have nothing constructive to say but didn't want to read and run either:o

(((HUGS))) to you and your family and it's obvious you're doing everything you can for your son so keep at it:) We're always here for you x

stef240377

Molly41 wrote: »

Im so sorry for your son and for you as a family - I know its very hard. My DD self-harms so I know it breaks your heart every time it happens. My DD has threatened to kill herself on several occasions but has never to my knowledge done anything towards that end. Was this a genuine attempt to kill himself or a cry for help to show you how desperate he is feeling? His emotions are all over the place and you cant be sure exactly what happened to him all those years ago. I cope with my daughter by maintaining a sense of normality and routine. I never comment on her latest body art as I feel its reinforcing the negative but I do make sure I try to praise the positives whatever that might be. Im still waiting for help but I hope you get help much quickly and it sounds like the school nurse will help. Good luckxx

He has never told anyone the complexities of what happened when he had contact with bio dad, he does get extremely distressed whenever the subject is broached even though professionals have told him they cant really go further with it with out knowing even the slightest detail.
I do think if he is left to his own devices he will atempt this again hence my need to find out just what services are out there for people in this situation.

He also seems to be in a fantasy world at times - easier to explain as a parallel life. My husband took the boys swimming a few months ago, they used the male changing rooms and while individually in cubicles my son was convinced while he was drying off and putting his underware on one of the polystyrene ceiling tiles was lifted up, he was watched by someone and was also filmed on a camera. My husband climbed up to see what he was on about, he was getting changed in the next cubible and saw/heard nothing. Nevertheless, stood on the shelf in cubicle pushing up tile and all was empty. Even now he is convinced by what he says he saw, the pysochotherapist alsp doubted it and brushed it aside.

He is also a loner to a degree, he comes in from school, lucky if we get acknowledgement he is home and he shuts himself in the bedroom on xbox until it is meal times and then he has to be told several times as he does not hear you. He has arranged with friends at school that he is having a paintballing party for his birthday and giving out verball invites - he is having no such thing, but when his sister asked him about it he said it werent him but a friend who was having it and he had been invited, she must have heard wrong.

When you hear each thing individually you think its not such a big deal and its just a 'teenager' thing, however it gets a whole lot more complex when you piece it all together.

verysillyguy06

CG77 wrote: »

Hi Stef,

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. There is obviously lots going on in this poor young chap's mind at the mo and I hope referral to CAHMS might help you (do persist with this and ask to see someone else in the CAHMS team if you don't get the help you need. I hear mixed reviews of CAHMS-like every organisation there are good workers and not-so-good ones. The good ones can and do make a huge difference though so do persevere).

As I said there is obviously lots more than this going on at the moment for him but his self-esteem is obviously extremely low. Although it's hard to hear, it's great that he's sharing how he's feeling about not being loved etc. Can you try to spend some one-to-one time with him. Maybe arrange something for the weekend where your OH does something with the other two while you do something just with him? A great time for talking is in the car, so there doesn't have to be eye contact. He might not want to talk about what's going on in his mind, but even general chit chat about his friends, computer games, music, anything that interests him will make him feel valued (I'm sure you do all this anyway and am not trying to teach a granny to suck eggs, but he just sounds like he needs more of this just now).

Also the stealing and fighting etc is classic attention seeking behaviour and of course when he's feeling so low, even negative attention is attention at the moment so you need to try to turn that around if you can. Try not to get angry or shout (I know it's hard!!) when he does these things, but it can be helpful to use phrases like, 'Your behaviour is showing me you're really not feeling happy at the moment.' Of course there need to be consequences to this type of behaviour, but for children with self-esteem issues (and while he's having his issues dealt with hopefully by the outside agencies) it can be helpful for them to be 'natural consequences' as opposed to something which may be seen as further rejection of him if you see what i mean. For example if he steals money, you could just say, 'Well that's sad, because I planned to use that money to take you to the cinema/bowling etc this weekend but now we don't have the money so we won't be able to do that now (so go to the park or something cheaper instead)'. Or a natural consequence for the fighting could be that both of them have to sit downstairs with you instead of being upstairs alone-explain it's not as a 'punishment' as such, but because you love them so much and worry they might get hurt. Can you see what I'm saying here? Hope I'm being clear. Just try to pay attention to any consequences so they will not reinforce his low self-esteem.

You may also fine he tries to sabotage nice times you plan-his negative behaviours may be to try to validate his feelings of not being worthy, kind of 'they don't like me anyway so I'll give them a reason not to be nice to me'. It's very hard, but don't let him spoil things. Maybe try to say things like, 'It's sad that you want to try to spoil this for us, but we love you and want to spend some time with you today so we are going to go'.

There is a great book that you can buy from Amazon by Caroline Archer called 'Next steps in parenting the child who hurts'. It's aimed at children who have been in foster care or adopted but can give you some ideas of how children who have gone through issues of feeling rejected might feel.

I hope that helps somewhat and all the best - it's not an easy time for you at the moment but with the right support it should get easier.

CG. x

:T:T:T:T


Took it off the tip of my tongue but put sooo much better!


I am sorry to read our story and can only agree with what other posters and especially above have posted.

There are no fast solutions and you all will need alot of patience and vigilant watch.

Only a few observational points to make:

1. As he tried to strangle himself at home, knowing that someone would find him rather sooner than later in a bedroom, it appears that it is an 'obvious' cry for help and he may be asking desperately for help.

2. Is there another person, uncle, god father ....that may have a good connection to him and could try and speak to him?
Any Youth club leaders?

3. Just to be there for him and be open to be talked is often the best.


Lots of positive vibes to you and son

stef240377

CG - one thing that has been picked up on is he has an unwarranted unexplainable (atm) feelings towards women - the school nurse has said he can not and wont open up to the female form where it is the opposite for men. My husband therefore has overtaken the one to one sessions with him, they walk the dog together just the two of them and conversation never gets further than xbox games. The £50 that went was money for a day out to the NEC for an event i had tickets for, we still went but made sure he knew that we no longer had the money for treats due to it growing legs and walking. The police officer that dealt with him at the time said i would have problems with him in the future as he is such an accomplished liar already and can convincingly hide it, it will almost be impossible to deal with him unless using a lie detector - the officer in question has been in the force many years and said lads like him dont come along that often.

Working along side the pyschotherapist, when needed to repremand him we have taken away for limited times things that mean anything to him, like internet privaliges, ipod, xbox etc. Always explained why it was taken away, that it was a consequence of his behaviour and that should he learn by his mistakes will get it back on such and such a day. It just seems that without knowing what is deep rooted we will get anywhere.

CG77

It's good that he's getting that one-to-one time then and just try to keep that up, no matter how much he pushes against it. It's ok if they are just talking about xbox for now-at least they're talking.

I write this very tentatively because I'd hate to confuse you especially as it's advice you've been given by a profesional, but i have to say in my experience of children with self-esteem issues, taking away privileges doesn't tend to work. They think differently to children without these issues and as I mentioned before it can validate their feelings of worthlessness and send them into a downward spiral. As I said I write this tentatively, but it may be something to bring up with your counsellors.

I wish you all the very best-it's so hard.

CG. x

stef240377

CG - at the min im looking into everything with an open mind, as i read this back i can see it may come across that i make myself out to be the perfect parent and i could not possibly be to blame for what is going on, but i know this is something i can not deal with alone and therefore will walk down every avenue to try and get an answer - would love to put 'cure' but i dont think that is the right way to say it.

Without being irate with him last night told him that if he were to attempt to take his own life again does he realise how many people would be hurt by his actions, i know he understands what is being said to him, he has learning difficulties in that he cannot get what he means on paper but it is all working in side his head - this is another thing that has been said over the past 18months that he has had some form of outside help.

retro_bluebell

Oh hun ((hugs))) I dont have anything to add to what has been said already but it does sound to me like the root of his behaviour lies with what went on with his biological dad....I was in an abusive relationship with my 2 sons dad and even though I left him when they were 2 and 3 1/2 they still display some odd behaviour even though they are 12 and 10 now...nothing to the degree you have described but some things have happened that I have found strange...you cant ever tell how kids get affected by things....you are doing all the right things though, act on the advise thats been given and push for the assessment....I hope it all goes ok ((hugs))

tori.k

I have sent you a PM of something to google i didnt post it as it may be breaking the board rules but it does make some interesting reading

CG77

stef240377 wrote: »

CG - at the min im looking into everything with an open mind, as i read this back i can see it may come across that i make myself out to be the perfect parent and i could not possibly be to blame for what is going on, but i know this is something i can not deal with alone and therefore will walk down every avenue to try and get an answer - would love to put 'cure' but i dont think that is the right way to say it.

Without being irate with him last night told him that if he were to attempt to take his own life again does he realise how many people would be hurt by his actions, i know he understands what is being said to him, he has learning difficulties in that he cannot get what he means on paper but it is all working in side his head - this is another thing that has been said over the past 18months that he has had some form of outside help.

I don't think at all it comes across like you're trying to make yourself out to be the perfect parent. You come across as a parent who loves her son very much and is desperate for help for him. With regards to 'who is to blame' for what is going on, with these things it is always lots of things that bring it on. There is usually a trigger (and you think you know what that was, so there's a starting point with regards to counselling etc) but there is much more to it-resilience levels and the child's predisposition to depression etc being two big ones.

Please don't beat yourself up about it-it won't help anyone and you really seem to be doing the right things to get him the help he needs.

It's great to be open-minded too-I've had to learn a whole new way of parenting and it really is working. It's not about being a 'perfect parent' or that I wasn't one before, but more about finding ways of parenting the child you have in ways which will help him.

All the best and be kind to yourself .

CG. x

verysillyguy06

I would not feel guilty about 'checking up on him'. You are doing what a concerned parent should be doing and sadly, if you were to find either substances or strange fav on his internet sites , this would go towards explaining some of his behaviour...you are suspecting poss even airosol/ glue abuse?

Can cause delusions sofar I know......