Settling for Mr Second best.

Errata

Hermia wrote: »

I studied sociology at university and we did a module on various aspects of gender. We had quite a few mature female students with kids on the course. I remember one of them was talking about how she lost all interest in her husband when she had her kids. She said she had always wanted to get married, but when she had kids she realised the urge was actually to have children and once that urge has been fulfilled her husband almost became an encumbrance! I then remember that a worrying number of the other mums in the room started nodding away in agreement. It was quite a shock to us naive youngsters!

Didn't that demonstrate that those women were actually quite shallow ? Or that they only wanted a sperm donor but kidded themselves into falling in love to achieve that ?

elfen

I think, no, I know I've found my Mr. Right. Accepts me for all my flaws (and I have a few major stumbling blocks) and wants to help me as much as he can, even coming to the psych with me and helping me try and get better. He makes my heart flutter when he's not about and he just texts me for no reason. I know I want to have kids with him, but that won't happen for a few years (but I have daydreamed what they'll look like - hopefully like him, gorgeous)

And the maternal love thing is VERY strong, even with my dad, he loves all 7 of his girls (5 daughters, wife and granddaughter) even though I'm the only one of my sisters who'll get through the door when I visit and go straight for a hug off my dad.

Hermia

Errata wrote: »

Didn't that demonstrate that those women were actually quite shallow ? Or that they only wanted a sperm donor but kidded themselves into falling in love to achieve that ?

Maybe, but they really were just a very normal bunch of women who couldn't understand their own reactions. They had honestly seen themselves as being happily married to great men. I remember one of them saying she didn't want her husband touching the baby as she saw it as being totally hers (she was the one who just felt her husband was completely irrelevant after having kids). Yet she had been someone who had imagined him being this perfect daddy who would dote on their kids. What was interesting about the course was that it was a very safe environment and the tutor was very good at getting people to open up. A lot of people admitted things about themselves that they would never admit to anyone in the 'real' world. Now, when I look at people I always wonder what they are really feeling deep down!

SandC

And did this woman decide to stick at it and let the poor bloke be a proper father or did she split the family up?

Those sorts of feelings could be connected with post natal depression I would have thought.

Hermia

SandC wrote: »

And did this woman decide to stick at it and let the poor bloke be a proper father or did she split the family up?

Yeah, she did, but she said it took a lot of mental effort on her part and a lot of talking it through as a couple. A lot of the women on the course said they felt their babies were theirs and only they could protect them and they had to really make an effort to include the dads. Perhaps there is a big surge of protective hormones after the birth? I have no maternal instinct whatsoever so found all this absolutely fascinating!

Errata

It could be a hormonal surge, or it could be serious problems with trust which until then had been hidden or unacknowledged. Don't want to seem flippant, but it hints of the trust issues some women have when their OH's need to do the cooking/washing/housework. Might be a territorial thing ? Which would be a bit tough on fathers.

wendywitch

I married Mr. Second Best. I thought that as he wanted me and loved me it would be enough for both of us, but it wasn't enough.
I did love him but he had problems (which he took out on me) and I just couldn't make it work how ever much I tried.
We're now separated but it's still complicated. I think I'll be happier on my own. This is my 4th long term relationship that's gone wrong for whatever reason and I'm now thinking the "relationship" thing is just too hard for me to do