Do you feel guilty about how much csa give you

98sidney

Cut it short we split when my daughter was 2 days old she is 8 this year, my son is 12 this year.. he got addicted to a drug so hit me etc never happened in previous years so didnt understand what was going on, I was also preg with my youngest then.
I found out he was addicted to a high drug and was seeing another woman, he and his family told me it was 3months they had been seeing each other.
One eve that woman comes to my door I am 5 and half months pregnant at the time, without saying a word she produces her hand with a engagment ring that my ex gave her, same ring he offered me 2 weeks earlier but I said no too, shaking I asked how long she said 2 and half years..

He is type one minute he is here the next when he has a gf we dont see them, or if he finds out I am seeing someone he wont see the kids..
My kids have over years seen and heard this so just fed up with it, but I know that I never stopped contact and that they have made thier own choice..

We also didnt find out about the twins till they were a year old, even though we saw him once a week..

*Louise*

98sidney wrote: »

He is type one minute he is here the next when he has a gf we dont see them, or if he finds out I am seeing someone he wont see the kids..
..

Sound like even more of a reason to me to keep the payments going through the CSA

98sidney

At the moment my kids are being left the house, and my ex has asked if the twins can be also put on it, but his brother is refusing too, main reason he doesnt like the other woman and is also not close to the twins mainly because one minute we can see them the next we cant..

I have met the other woman with my kids and we have been swimming etc, this in it self has caused problems as she pick a park near her which is fair enough so I have to get a bus which is £7.90 return for us all, and on afew occasion we have been on the bus and she has cancelled because it looks like its going to rain.
We took kites to the park, couldnt use them as they will get caught up in string. Football is a no no incase they get hit by ball, it was a plastic ball ..twins are 4 this year..

sulkisu

98sidney wrote: »

At the moment my kids are being left the house, and my ex has asked if the twins can be also put on it, but his brother is refusing too, main reason he doesnt like the other woman and is also not close to the twins mainly because one minute we can see them the next we cant..

.

If your ex and his brother own the house jointly, your ex can leave his half to whoever he pleases - it's not up to his brother.

I understand you wanting to maintain the relationship between your children and his other kids, and wanting him to be a good father to the twins but can I suggest that you concentrate on doing what is best for your children first. The twins have a mother and who is more than capable of looking out for their interests.

It's difficult to comment on the CM issue without knowing all of the facts and figures involved. Your approach is a good one and I don't think anyone will criticise you for that, but you do seem to be thinking of everyone else first. £92 for two children is not a lot. But the important questions to consider are, how much does he earn, how/why did he take on the mortgage with his brother, how much of his current financial problems stem from his addicition (past or present), etc? How much do you earn, what income does twins mother have?

I would also be wary about comparing yourself to her. Nobody knows what goes on or went on in other people's relationships. You have no way of knowing what he has told her, what agreement they had - perhaps she is justified in feeling and acting the way that she does. You have admitted that his behaviour towards you and your kids has not been good, I'm guessing that he treated her and their kids the same. Not everyone can be as forgiving as you (and TBH, having read your posts about his actions, I find her attitude far more understandable). As a previous poster has already mentioned, it's not your money. If you are in debt or struggling without his CM, then you owe it to your kids to take it.

His behaviour has been dishonest and dishonorable - perhaps you need to stop cushioning his fall and let him deal with the outcome of his own actions.

98sidney

the more I read I can see I am making excuses for my ex, but I just wanted to protect her and the twins from the truth I suppose..

I know csa money isnt mine and never use it for me, I just meant my wage and my budgeting ways thanks to this site we have everything we need to get by, nothing less and nothing more..

My kids go to swimming lessons and scouts and brownies, and both of them have a camping trip to go too..

The house he bought before the twins came along.

I think like other posters have said I need to stop making excuses for him and sadly let them see what he is really like, just hurts as they are such lovely boys..

I also get the twins mother ring or text me in tears because of how he is being towards them, which hurts but sadly I already know what he is like so hearing it is nothing new to me, and at the moment I dont think she is strong enough to see the truth as she still has feelings for him, and sure my ex has feelings for her too though of course he denies it..

Thankyou for all your advice and comments it has helped me loads.x





I am not in debt, just into money saving so love this site..

sulkisu

You and the twins' mother have a lot in common. How about focusing on building or healing the relationship between you, her and your respective children, independent of your ex? This means that whatever goes on between him and her stays between them and whatever happens between you and him, stays between you and him. If you want to buy presents for the twins, do so but do it from you not from your ex.

Try to get to know her and the twins and vice versa. Hopefully, in time, both sets of children will have a good relationship with both mums and with all of their siblings (no matter what their father does).

DX2

98sidney wrote: »

I honestly only get £92 a month and rest of the £240 goes to the other ex, as I was on the old system and when she put her claim in I was moved to the new system and my money will take 3 years to get to same amount as she gets because of it, I dont get it either but thats what csa told me..

There is something wrong here, generally the PWC who was on CSA 1 had the higher amount then if another PWC made a claim it would reduce your payments as it would go onto CSA 2 the CSA would phase this in over several years, don't know how they are doing it the other way round.

98sidney

DX2 wrote: »

There is something wrong here, generally the PWC who was on CSA 1 had the higher amount then if another PWC made a claim it would reduce your payments as it would go onto CSA 2 the CSA would phase this in over several years, don't know how they are doing it the other way round.

I Honestly do not get it myself.
I use to get £17 a week as the ex had not told csa about his new job and were still going on his old wage.
Twins mother puts a claim in and she tells them were he works and my money goes upto £92, I then get moved from old system to new system.
She gets full amount but my money will take 3 years to catch up to same amount as her.. Crazy I know but thats what I have been told..

I have tried to keep the relationship seperate but they both bring me into their arguments, or she uses what my ex did to me to prove a point..

Like others have said i will buy twins presents etc from my two kids and be tougher and not buy them presents for my ex to give them it is so hard though not to buy them a present..

BeenieCat

Why on earth would you buy presents for him to give his kids? :eek:

You're being taken for a ride, stop letting him walk all over you.

melorablack

98sidney wrote: »

Hi. I know I will get shot down for asking this, but I feel so guity how much csa take off my ex and how much they take of him for his younger twins from another relationship..

£240 is taking off him everymonth, for some reason I get £92 rest goes to other mum, something about I was on older system and she is new one and it will take 3 years to get same amount as her..

The thing is he has a mortgage with his brother, and after paying all this out is surviving using a credit card.

I know he has to pay somethng towards his kids, but to see the father of your kids go further into debt just so he can eat etc, makes me feel so guilty..

I told the other mum I was thinking of giving back the money or at least half of it so he can use it to take her sons out as she has complained he doesnt take them anywhere, but she is angry with me..
Its his sons birthday in feb and I have had to buy a present for them for him to give as his has no money..

I know he has to pay somethng towards his kids, but to see the father of your kids go further into debt just so he can eat etc, makes me feel so guilty..

Yeah...I feel really guilty about the £2.50 per month per child that they said my dad should pay my mum (£5 a month in total)...it's so tough on him that he has failed to ever pay a penny. And the CSA have done nothing about it. :mad: