Do you feel guilty about how much csa give you

98sidney

BeenieCat wrote: »

Why on earth would you buy presents for him to give his kids? :eek:

You're being taken for a ride, stop letting him walk all over you.

If I didnt they wouldnt get anything. I have in past also done that for my 2 infact even this xmas I done that and my ex wrapped them up, my 2 know the truth and are ok with it. But I bought a roary race track for the twins for him to give to them..
For the twins birthday in feb I have bought a vsmile console 2nd hand but its boxed as new from ebay, and thanks to a certain site got new games for under a tenner for 2, I am just trying to keep the peace as like I said if she sees my ex letting the twins down she stops all conatct and not just him but my 2 kids as well, if it was just my ex then fair enough...

98sidney

melorablack wrote: »

Yeah...I feel really guilty about the £2.50 per month per child that they said my dad should pay my mum (£5 a month in total)...it's so tough on him that he has failed to ever pay a penny. And the CSA have done nothing about it. :mad:

I am sorry your dad has failed you and your mum, and its so unfair how csa goes after one person but lets another person get away without paying anything, a totally crazy system..

Fly_Baby

happymoneysaver79 wrote: »

My OH has a child from a previous relationship and we have a private arrangement, he has paid for his child since day one and currently pays £100 per month. This is all we can afford. My OH works full time and always has done whilst his ex and her new partner live off the social, claiming full benefits for her three children. We were once late with the maintenance payment by a few days due to a change of bank acount and she went ballistic saying she would start a claim with the CSA. I think that she didn't go through with it because it would affect her benefits, thats what I think!!! She claims CSA for her other two kids from the second daddy who has now left her! Its the ex boyfriends I feel sorry for not her! She should learn to keep her legs shut!
My two kids cost me much less than £100 per month and they don't go without! Obviously if I had more spare they would get every penny. Why do some women think it costs hundreds of pounds to look after their children? You can't condemn a man for wanting to build a future for himself or for wanting children with his next partner, its human nature. At least hes not gambling and drinking! Would the women left with the kids not want a mortgage or a new partner or more kids in the future???

Well done OP for being such a thoughtful person.

I wonder if you'd write this post if your husband OH ever left YOU and your child for another woman and let you sort out your finances while he builds a future for himself and his new children in his new relationship.

yoyo1980

98sidney wrote: »

If I didnt they wouldnt get anything. I have in past also done that for my 2 infact even this xmas I done that and my ex wrapped them up, my 2 know the truth and are ok with it. But I bought a roary race track for the twins for him to give to them..
For the twins birthday in feb I have bought a vsmile console 2nd hand but its boxed as new from ebay, and thanks to a certain site got new games for under a tenner for 2, I am just trying to keep the peace as like I said if she sees my ex letting the twins down she stops all conatct and not just him but my 2 kids as well, if it was just my ex then fair enough...

Have you thought this through long term - in the end everyone will see the truth of it all and be bitterly disappointed & it also doesn't give your ex the opportunity to see how much hurt he puts on others by his actions and change if he has a shred of decency in him??

miserly_mum

98sidney wrote: »

If I didnt they wouldnt get anything. I have in past also done that for my 2 infact even this xmas I done that and my ex wrapped them up, my 2 know the truth and are ok with it. But I bought a roary race track for the twins for him to give to them..
For the twins birthday in feb I have bought a vsmile console 2nd hand but its boxed as new from ebay, and thanks to a certain site got new games for under a tenner for 2, I am just trying to keep the peace as like I said if she sees my ex letting the twins down she stops all conatct and not just him but my 2 kids as well, if it was just my ex then fair enough...

When I split with my ex husband (10 years ago) I did what you are doing now for the first year or so. I bought Xmas and Birthday gifts for our 5 kids in HIS name just so they would get something from their Dad.Please bear in mind I wasn't working at the time and he was, yet the CSA never managed to get any maintainance from him and he never volunteered to give me anything.

I ,like you, did everything I could to maintain contact and some resemblance of a relationship between my kids and my ex. Do you know something..... it never made one pin of difference. He still couldn't be bothered seeing them regularly or taking an interest in their lives. Not even phone calls.

I finally realised as I hope you will. That no matter how many presents you buy in his name, no matter how much you do to try to make him a better Father to ALL of his children......it won't make him a better Dad unless he decides to put the effort in

I like you thought I was doing the right thing but in hindsight I was deceiving my children and just prolonging the moment when they finally realised that their Dad was never going to be the Daddy they wanted him to be. It was tough but when it came to Xmas's and Birthdays they never expected anything so were disappointed but not devastated if they got nothing. (Some years he did and some he didn't)

The same with promises of holidays and days out etc. If they materialised,great but they never held their breath waiting for them.

10 years on none of my kids bother with him and although they admit (if they could wave a magic wand) they would love him to be a proper Dad but they know that will never happen.

He has never even made an effort to see our Grand Daughter who will be 3 in March.

OP please stop feeling responsible for your ex and his problems. He's an ex for a reason and as long as you don't stop him seeing your children and spend the maintainance money on the kids then thats all you can do.You will have nothing to reproach yourself for.

98sidney

Thankyou Miserly so much for that, you will never know how much that meant to me to read that..
I have decided to keep csa money use it if my kids need anything, rest goes into their accounts.

As for ex his kids are here if he wants to see them, son is 12 this year and has a mobile with his dads no in if he wants to see or speak to his dad he can. daughter is a mummys girl so isnt really bothered by her dad..

As for the twins will try and keep relationship going and like other posters have said will ask if we still can keep in contact even if it is just cards at birthdays and xmas..

My mum asked me last night be honest with yourself if it was the other way round would my ex do it for me, the answer is off course no. Her face said it all to me..

Thankyou all for your advice and comments it has helped me so much.x

miserly_mum

98sidney wrote: »

My mum asked me last night be honest with yourself if it was the other way round would my ex do it for me, the answer is off course no. Her face said it all to me..

Yeah, it was my Mum saying the exact same thing to me 10 years ago that made me wise up and realise I was being a mug.

£92 p/m isn't a lot of money for 2 children. However if you think about it thats £1104 per year. Just think how far you could make that stretch by using all the money saving tips, discount vouchers etc you pick up on here and other sites.

How long do you think it would take your ex to get through that £1104 if you gave it back to him?

Flower08

Havent read the whole post, but in answer to the OP no i wouldnt feel guilty. I dont have any children myself, but know that when i was young my mother recieved no money from my father and got herself into a lot of debt just trying to keep a roof over my head. The CSA failed to chase him up for money, i am now 21 years old and they have recently been in touch with my mother to tell her they are chasing up the £17,000 of back payments he owes her.

No disrespect but i would be grateful CSA are getting money off him for you, you could have quite easily been left to struggle without any contribution from him. £92 is not a lot of money a month to raise a child, so you shouldnt feel guilty at all, the child is as much his responsibility to pay for!

Flower08

miserly_mum wrote: »

I like you thought I was doing the right thing but in hindsight I was deceiving my children and just prolonging the moment when they finally realised that their Dad was never going to be the Daddy they wanted him to be. It was tough but when it came to Xmas's and Birthdays they never expected anything so were disappointed but not devastated if they got nothing. (Some years he did and some he didn't)

I completely agree here. My mum used to buy me presents labelled from my dad, when i finally realised aged about 9 or 10 they werent from him it devastated me because i finally realised he couldnt care less.
Although my mum was doing what she thought best i wish she had been honest from the beginning. I havent had a relationship with him since i was about 12 or 13 and havent seen him at all for 7 years - shows how much he cares :rolleyes:

I would definitely agree though in the long run by buying them gifts off their 'father' they are going to be even more hurt when they realise they were never bought for them.

98sidney

Miserly mum you know my ex dont you, ha ha.. You are so right about him and yes the money would be wasted within a very short time..

Thankyou flower08 it really helps to hear from someone whos parent bought them presents on behalf of the absent parent, and how you felt about it..

My ex sometimes buys presents and sometimes his mum did on his behalf, which is why I took over as she is on a pension and couldnt afford it any longer..
My 2 are aware their dad didnt buy their xmas present this year, werent happy with their dad but agreed not to let onto their dad they knew, they dont know about previous years..

My son is 12 this year and he is starting to drift from his dad and we as a family are very close so must be doing something right. Having said that when his dad is around the tension in the house and overnight me and my son argue, dad goes away again and me and my son are ok.

I have spoken to his mum today and she has had enough too, and both decided not to do it anymore, and she also told me to keep the csa money, I have never stopped his mum seeing the kids and happily take them up to hers so she can see them..