Do you feel guilty about how much csa give you

BeenieCat

98sidney wrote: »

The idea of giving the money back is because the other ex is having ago as he never takes them to nice places and is using this to threaten to block access, she is not happy with the park but instead wants a mc donalds everyweek and a theme park or indoor play areas, I know he isnt lying about this as me and the other ex have had words about it..
So I thought if I gave my csa money back he would have the money to spend on them and she wouldnt block access..

That's not your problem

It's obvious you're a lovely thoughtful person, but i don't think you'll get any thanks for it. Your kids deserve that money. I could understand a bit more if it was a lot of money but it's less than £12 a week per child...

shellsuit

CSA told my ex he would have to pay me £70 a week, which would have left him broke.

I rang the CSA, told them to stop the claim and that we would sort something between us.

He's paid me £40 a week since then, and it's a figure we are both happy with.

If he did pay me the £70, it would have crippled him and he would have probably come out of work, which would have meant I would have got £5 a week.

He can trust me too. He gives it to me in cash and I'd always be honest about what he gives.

Sometimes it's best to work out what will suit both parents.

Happy parents = happy kids.

jonathon

I pay £180 per month this is an agreed amount with my ex but it is in line with the csa.I also take him on holiday for 2 weeks each year and buy him all new clothes to go in,I also buy him new shoes and and school things when he needs them.

MrsAnnie

98sidney wrote: »

Hi. I know I will get shot down for asking this, but I feel so guity how much csa take off my ex and how much they take of him for his younger twins from another relationship..

£240 is taking off him everymonth, for some reason I get £92 rest goes to other mum, something about I was on older system and she is new one and it will take 3 years to get same amount as her..

The thing is he has a mortgage with his brother, and after paying all this out is surviving using a credit card.

I know he has to pay somethng towards his kids, but to see the father of your kids go further into debt just so he can eat etc, makes me feel so guilty..

I told the other mum I was thinking of giving back the money or at least half of it so he can use it to take her sons out as she has complained he doesnt take them anywhere, but she is angry with me..
Its his sons birthday in feb and I have had to buy a present for them for him to give as his has no money..

I know he has to pay somethng towards his kids, but to see the father of your kids go further into debt just so he can eat etc, makes me feel so guilty..

Do you have a rough idea what % of his salary the £92 is? Does this include any arrears?

I think your decision to give back some money is a personal one and that you should not involve the other mum in your decision. Your decsion would depend on your financial stability; if you don't NEED the money then I can see you reasoning, but I really do feel that the father should be contributing financially to the upbringing of his child, even if it is a nominal amount.

mrbrightside842

You're not getting much to start with, and the other mum is getting more. Why do you want to give him money back to spend on her kids and take them out? She sounds like she'll always want something more, and she can't simply block access because he takes them to the park rather than to McDonalds.

Mips

Are you sure he lives on credit cards?

Maybe he just says this to you to make you feel guilty - or at least give you the impression that there isn't much in the way of cash if you do decide to try and take more from him?


I really wouldn't give him the money back. You don't get much at all as it is for 2 children.

£23 a week isn't much - school dinners in most areas are £10 a week. A cost of shoes £20.. then there are coats.. bags.. pencils/crayons.. activities.. plus the other little bits the little sods manage to pick up on their way around the shops


This weekend I have had to pay for another School bag, a new watch, 2 pairs of shoes for 2 children, tights... the cost is neverending.. and that's before factoring in all the bath water, extra electricity for the washing machine being on at least 3 times a day... and then FOOD!!!

I am not single.. but our kids cost us dearly!

98sidney

jonathon wrote: »

I pay £180 per month this is an agreed amount with my ex but it is in line with the csa.I also take him on holiday for 2 weeks each year and buy him all new clothes to go in,I also buy him new shoes and and school things when he needs them.

Can clearly say there is no chance of my ex doing any of that, so nice to hear there are dads that do that..

He has 4 kids so I think its 25% of his wages..

She can and has stopped contact because my ex has not taking them to expensive places, as you will see on my other threads I had to give away the twins xmas presents as she stopped contact between them and my children..

I am feeling alot more reassured reading the comments and advice I have been given thankyou..

MrsAnnie

So I am right in thinking that the child maintanance money your want to give up, that you want your ex to spend it on the twins instead?

Maybe this is why the other mother is annoyed at the idea. Personally I would not want another mother giving up money intended for her children so that it could be spent on mine; even if I was hard up. I would be worried about future accusations (i.e. my little Tommy could not go to the show because Bob and Billy need the money more that we do). I am not that I am implying you will throw it back in her face, but just how I might feel in the same situation.

As I said before, if you don't need the money and feel better not to accept it then that is your choice.

But before you do think of all the 'what ifs' (what if he drove by your house in a shiny new sports car!!!) and if you don't mind the fact that he doesn't pay CSA, then do what you think is best.

pollyanna24

I haven't to read through all the threads, sorry, but I think some people are a bit harsh in the "well he shouldn't have had kids etc."

My bf is a sahd and we are currently in the throes of splitting up. I am the one that provides all the financial side of things. So I suppose I can see it from the other side.

I am going to take my daughter. I don't see how he can afford to keep her (not that I would let him), but I can afford to work and pay for her care.

But if I couldn't and he got to keep her, why should such a large amount of my wages come out when I have to pay to keep a roof over their heads, and also try and pay for my own accommodation?

I suppose in my situation, I feel it depends on how the split came about. I want to do everything to make things, but he doesn't, so why I should suffer financially as well. I'm not saying fathers (or mothers) shouldn't pay for their children, just saying there are two sides to all stories.

98sidney

No ex is annoyed as she believes he owes us everything thats her words not mine, and doesnt seem to get why I am not as angry as her towards him, doesnt seem to understand I am past the anger, bitter, revenge stage and that I am just getting on with things as thats the best revenge..

She has no problem with taking extra money and often asks my ex to pay for nursery fees, even though she doesnt work, or to bring up a bottle of wine for her when he picks kids up on access day.. He isnt lying about that as she tells me she asks for it and tells me to do the same..

The thing is my kids have throughout the years slowly drifted away from their dad, they still call him dad but if he pops up here they say hello and then go and play upstairs..
I see with the twins he has another chance to be a good dad, and I dont want twins to be treated the same way as my 2 were..

I think for now I will keep the csa money, and see how things go..