Do you feel guilty about how much csa give you

peachyprice

I know I'm not going to be popular withy my views, but I've never taken a penny from my ex for our two sons.

I was working 2 jobs when we split, and yes, if I'd have demanded maintenance I could have given up at least one job, but it was good enough while we were together, so I carried on working.

We're both re-married and I have a daughter from my second marriage, he doesn't have any more children, but I couldn't take money from him knowing he and his wife were struggling. And equally I would expect him to take money from me.

Over the course of the year we probably pay the same out for the boys. I get the CB, but use that for their school dinners, I tend to buy the majority of school clothes and shoes, he buys the majority of home clothes and shoes. School trips we tend to go halves. We both feed them an equal number of nights a week. Holidays are my thing, they've only been on holiday twice with their dad, he chooses to spend his money on other things.

So all in all it's an arrangement that works well for all, and as a result we have very well adjusted, happy boys who have two loving homes.

kindofagilr

peachyprice wrote: »

I know I'm not going to be popular withy my views, but I've never taken a penny from my ex for our two sons.

I was working 2 jobs when we split, and yes, if I'd have demanded maintenance I could have given up at least one job, but it was good enough while we were together, so I carried on working.

We're both re-married and I have a daughter from my second marriage, he doesn't have any more children, but I couldn't take money from him knowing he and his wife were struggling. And equally I would expect him to take money from me.

Over the course of the year we probably pay the same out for the boys. I get the CB, but use that for their school dinners, I tend to buy the majority of school clothes and shoes, he buys the majority of home clothes and shoes. School trips we tend to go halves. We both feed them an equal number of nights a week. Holidays are my thing, they've only been on holiday twice with their dad, he chooses to spend his money on other things.

So all in all it's an arrangement that works well for all, and as a result we have very well adjusted, happy boys who have two loving homes.

Its nice that you can do that

Paparika

I can't feel guilty for the £5.00 a week i receive... and he has just had another child... should of tied a knot in it if he can't afford anymore kids. as for my ex he just bought an all singing all dancing dvd player.... but to be fair he just forked out £50 on DS for a pair of boots.. this is just after Christmas too, so must not grumble tooo much

DX2

98sidney wrote: »

£240 is taking off him everymonth, for some reason I get £92 rest goes to other mum, something about I was on older system and she is new one and it will take 3 years to get same amount as her..

I told the other mum I was thinking of giving back the money or at least half of it so he can use it to take her sons out as she has complained he doesnt take them anywhere, but she is angry with me..

You get £92 per month for your child, she gets £148 for her twins. You will never get the same amount as her for the simple reason she has 2 kids you have 1. He pays £23 pw for your child and you are thinking of giving him some/half back be realistic here for a minute.

DX2

peachyprice wrote: »

Over the course of the year we probably pay the same out for the boys. I get the CB, but use that for their school dinners, I tend to buy the majority of school clothes and shoes, he buys the majority of home clothes and shoes. School trips we tend to go halves. We both feed them an equal number of nights a week. Holidays are my thing, they've only been on holiday twice with their dad, he chooses to spend his money on other things.

So all in all it's an arrangement that works well for all, and as a result we have very well adjusted, happy boys who have two loving homes.

You have a fantastic arrangement, sadly many PWC don't have this luxury and have no choice to go via the CSA.

thorsoak

If you are working, and feel that you can "afford" to give up this money, why not put it into an account for your son?

He has fathered three children - it's not their fault that he has now chosen to have a large mortgage with his brother .... perhaps he won't be able to socialise so much and therefore won't get so many chances to impregnate other women!

98sidney

DX2 wrote: »

You get £92 per month for your child, she gets £148 for her twins. You will never get the same amount as her for the simple reason she has 2 kids you have 1. He pays £23 pw for your child and you are thinking of giving him some/half back be realistic here for a minute.

Sorry for giving impression I have one child I have 2 by my ex..

He doesnt take my kids anywhere. its the twins he takes out..

I work and get by as my living style is I only buy things if I can buy it outright, I dont smoke or drink..

I use csa money if kids need something, if not it goes in their bank account..

I buy everything they need and never asked ex to buy anything, I save by using this site and another site I use for picking up bargains for presents etc and clothes.

BitterAndTwisted

£240 a calender month to support three children? That's barely over just £100 a week! He's getting off very, very lightly and really has absolutely no excuse to not be able to afford that and more. His mortgage liability is his own free choice and should not be material at all. Goodness knows how he's going to manage when interest-rates go back again, as they inevitably shall. I think he's being disingenuous or he's a complete fool.

ETA: Either my maths is up the creek or I can't type properly. £240 a month is barely £100 a week BEFORE tax and NI has been deducted. I am now convinced that your ex is a liar and a fool

SuziQ

You do realise you can cancel the CSA claim and arrange something between you, don't you?

Maybe I was misinformed back then or things have changed now,but I was told when the rules changed about benefit claimants having a private arrangement instead of csa,that my (2nd)husband may well be reasessed regarding his older children,and could end up paying his first ex more and be unable therefore to afford to pay anything voluntarily towards our child.It all became a paper excersis anyway as his business went into liquidation and he has barely worked since.


He is paying you a very small amount-have you ever sat down and worked out how much it costs to raise 2 children? I know full well as my (1st) ex husband has managed to never pay a penny towrads our 2 children for 13 years,so I shouldered the lot for those years (I am currently not working due to health issues.) I had to scrimp for many years despite having a well paid job,and the kids missed out on some of the school trips plus we never had a holiday unless my parents took us anywhere (they were fantastic back then). I think it is healthy for kids to know their father contributes even if only a little. He clearly cannot afford a mortgage if he is struggling with such a small amount of maintenance to pay.

He chose to have children with 2 women and the sad face of family breakup s financial hardship as well as the emotional burden to all involved.

Give him the money back if you want to,but I suspect it won't be spent on his kids. Don't feel sorry for him-he made a choice to have children with another woman and obviously felt he could afford that second relationship whilst paying you a pittance.

I am all for women working and supporting their kids alongside the fathers , but lets not go back many years to the point where dads can just fail to pay as a result of making maybe poor decisions after a relationship breaks up.

ceridwen

Well O.P. - I certainly dont see why you should be "shot down in flames". to me - it sounds like you are a pretty decent sort of person, just showing a bit of empathy for your ex.

Yours would appear to be a minority viewpoint - but it IS your viewpoint and you are entitled to think that way and good on you for not just being out to "grab everything".

I think you will find that most women in your situation will "grab everything" they can regardless of how it affects their ex or how fair it is to him. Obviously - on the other hand - there will be those who are treated appallingly by their exes, ie they both agreed on whether to have the child or no and he is subsequently trying to pay less than a fair amount towards the childs keep.

But - if your ex is treating you fairly and you wish to treat him fairly back - then that is your business and good on you for it.