Do you feel guilty about how much csa give you

emlou2009

How refreshing to read a thread started by the PWC about the CSA that isnt moaning about how little they have offered! And also how refreshing for the PWC not to be wanting to grab every penny they can get and actually considering how the other parent is actually surviving. Well done OP for being such a lovely person!

What people forget (and the CSA too) is that he is paying a mortgage on a property which one day will end up with those children, be it in the form of a home to live in, or proceeds from the sale of the house one day when he passes on. Stretching his finances until he is unable to pay the mortgage and living on credit cards will help nobody in the long run, if he did this to the point he was forced to sell the house nobody would end up benefitting at all. Its all very well people saying things like "it will make him think twice about having kids in future" but its all a bit late for that now really, and that isnt what the OP is asking! :rolleyes: Who are we to comment that his mortgage could be lower? Perhaps he is stuck on a high interest mortgage, perhaps his credit rating is low, perhaps he didnt have much of a deposit, who knows?

I know from experience that it is very hard to get the CSA to take any living expenses into account. I would err on the side of caution though with regards to giving him some of the money back though, as its perfectly possible that he isnt as skint as he would have you believe, and if he is as skint as he says then we dont know his lifestyle - he may be frittering money somewhere you dont know about. If I were you, instead of giving home some money back, I would direct him to this website to get some tips on moneysaving in other areas!

littlemissmoney

I bet the two children cost you a lot more than £92 a month! They are both yours and your ex's children so why shouldn't he pay half?

elektra-2007

You get £92 a month for two kids, is he working???? It dosent seem much for you...can you get all your kids food, clothes, shoes, uniforms, ect out of that a month? Im Sure you cant so why do you feel guilty he is free to work more hours or get a better job, without having to worry about childcare. You say he takes the twins out but not yours..maybe he knows your a soft touch and will give him money to do so. Id stay out of your ex's situation and leave it too him, if you can afford to do without the money id invest it for the children. Im sure you can request the CSA move you to the new scheme if you want to be. good luck

98sidney wrote: »

Sorry for giving impression I have one child I have 2 by my ex..

He doesnt take my kids anywhere. its the twins he takes out..

I work and get by as my living style is I only buy things if I can buy it outright, I dont smoke or drink..

I use csa money if kids need something, if not it goes in their bank account..

I buy everything they need and never asked ex to buy anything, I save by using this site and another site I use for picking up bargains for presents etc and clothes.

Snowmoredebt

HI OP
Please be aware the advice to make a private agreement with your ex can have drawbacks if not done correctly, for instance if you cancel your case with the CSA you are not able to re apply to csa for 13 weeks and then it could take a further 13 weeks to start, the csa then will not take your children into consideration when calculating the other PWC's share so her money will increase by £92 pm leaving your ex worse off if he then has to pay you privately. The way around this is to keep your case open but turn it to direct pay as they will still take your children into consideration when calculating the assesments, also if he stops paying you, then one call to the agency means they will change the method of payment back to agency without any delays.

If I can hellp further please PM me.

northwest1965

I think he gets 15% deducted after tax for one child 20% for 2 and 25% for 3.
Does he have a good job. I would guess at that he's earning about £1500 a month?

emlou2009

elektra-2007 wrote: »

You get £92 a month for two kids, is he working???? It dosent seem much for you...can you get all your kids food, clothes, shoes, uniforms, ect out of that a month? Im Sure you cant so why do you feel guilty he is free to work more hours or get a better job, without having to worry about childcare. You say he takes the twins out but not yours..maybe he knows your a soft touch and will give him money to do so. Id stay out of your ex's situation and leave it too him, if you can afford to do without the money id invest it for the children. Im sure you can request the CSA move you to the new scheme if you want to be. good luck

With the emphasis on the "all" there, I think this is where people fall down on maintenance agreements, as they believe that the maintenance money from their ex should pay for "all" of these things, with no need for themselves to contribute. I dont agree though, I buy many more of these things for my son than my OH does, and if (god forbid) we broke up, I wouldnt suddenly expect him to pay for everything. He's my child too, after all!

98sidney

I honestly only get £92 a month and rest of the £240 goes to the other ex, as I was on the old system and when she put her claim in I was moved to the new system and my money will take 3 years to get to same amount as she gets because of it, I dont get it either but thats what csa told me..

Yes he works full time wage £9.20 an hour he gets, I have seen his wage slip so I know thats true..

I have tried saving him money using this site, as well as telling him to get a tesco clubacrd so points will pay for presents etc..

The relationship he has with my 2 is friendly but my kids do know there dad loves them but will never win father of the year, and if I am being honest I play both roles..

The idea of giving the money back is because the other ex is having ago as he never takes them to nice places and is using this to threaten to block access, she is not happy with the park but instead wants a mc donalds everyweek and a theme park or indoor play areas, I know he isnt lying about this as me and the other ex have had words about it..
So I thought if I gave my csa money back he would have the money to spend on them and she wouldnt block access..

As I said are breakup was nasty and if I went on jeremy kyle he wouldnt believe me, but I have maintained through all that contact between my ex and our kids, and even when there were times I should of stopped contact I havent.
My kids can now see what there dad is like so whilst they are on friendly terms and call him dad they are aware of the truth. My kids are 7 and 11..
But I didnt want his twins to be treated the same way. the twins are 4 this year..

The house is being left to my kids and as yet the brother is refusing to add the twins to it, reason the brother cant stand the other ex..

I am on friendly terms with his mum and also his brother so I am aware of where his money is going, he has a loan, credit card, mortgage.. and of course csa..

He was left 15 thounsand by a relative so they put some of that down as a deposit to buy a 2 bedroomed house between them, as he was living with the person he left me for but she no longer wanted him so he and his brother got a place together..

To be honest thanks to this site and the bringing up of my parents I can survive on a giving budget that is given to me, infact I thrive on being given a budget and given a list of items to get with it..

Thankyou for all your opinions I will take all the advice I have been given and consider my options..

happymoneysaver79

My OH has a child from a previous relationship and we have a private arrangement, he has paid for his child since day one and currently pays £100 per month. This is all we can afford. My OH works full time and always has done whilst his ex and her new partner live off the social, claiming full benefits for her three children. We were once late with the maintenance payment by a few days due to a change of bank acount and she went ballistic saying she would start a claim with the CSA. I think that she didn't go through with it because it would affect her benefits, thats what I think!!! She claims CSA for her other two kids from the second daddy who has now left her! Its the ex boyfriends I feel sorry for not her! She should learn to keep her legs shut!
My two kids cost me much less than £100 per month and they don't go without! Obviously if I had more spare they would get every penny. Why do some women think it costs hundreds of pounds to look after their children? You can't condemn a man for wanting to build a future for himself or for wanting children with his next partner, its human nature. At least hes not gambling and drinking! Would the women left with the kids not want a mortgage or a new partner or more kids in the future???

Well done OP for being such a thoughtful person.

msb5262

"can you get all your kids food, clothes, shoes, uniforms, ect out of that a month?
With the emphasis on the "all" there, I think this is where people fall down on maintenance agreements, as they believe that the maintenance money from their ex should pay for "all" of these things, with no need for themselves to contribute. I dont agree though, I buy many more of these things for my son than my OH does, and if (god forbid) we broke up, I wouldnt suddenly expect him to pay for everything. He's my child too, after all!"
Quote from emlou (#27)

I see what you're saying, emlou, but the costs of bringing up children aren't only in what you actually buy - what about the cost of housing, heating, lighting, and most importantly TIME?
Most children have at least some time being cared for at home by one of their parents, and often this is the mother.

The fact is that spending time at home usually reduces the mother's earning capacity considerably.

This can be because the parent is years out of the workplace or just working shorter hours or in a job which is term-time only or which is at a lower grade to enable the parent to have time off when it's needed for kids being ill etc.

I know that if I hadn't had my three children and had a year at home with each one and worked part-time while they were small, I would have earned a great deal more and would be much further up the career ladder.

The father paying £92 a month towards the everyday expenses of his children is getting off really lightly, as are many parents, often fathers, who don't acknowledge the hidden costs of having children which are often met by just mothers.

Don't get me wrong - I understand what you're getting at but I think you've forgotten that parents with care are "paying" for their children day in, day out!

And I don't regret having my children one jot...they are fantastic and a delight even when they're driving me mad...but it's sad to think that people don't see what parents sometimes miss out on.

MsB

ManOnTheMoon

I've never sought any money off of either of my girls 2 mothers.

We don't need or want them (likewise they don't want us) and we are happy being independent from them.

I understand each individual case is different, so if your child is due money from absent mother or father and it's used for said child/children, good luck to anyone who claims.