Do you feel guilty about how much csa give you

MrsAnnie

Will an extra £92 a month make him a better dad? Probably not.. Even if the other mother did get an extra £92 a month or your ex spent an additional £92 per month on the twins; would that really make the other mother less bitter? Probably not.. Money is a very short term motivator, and in the end it is sometimes never enough.


Wouldn't it be better to put the money aside in a savings account for your child to have at a later date when it is required? Driving lessons, help with college fees? After all it is money your child is entitled to.

looktothefuture

My husband pays maintenence through private agreement to his youngests mother (£40.00/week!) and through CSA to his eldests mother - I contribute an additional £50.00 toward anything the children need for school or for clothing.

They youngests mother is on IS and wouldn't receive this if we were on CSA (but she still feels the need to moan at every opportunity because she feels hard done by! But I'm not the one spending £90 on a pair of Jeans for my SS whereas she see's a Brand label and just has to put him in it! )

The eldest's mother isnt really bothered - she's had 1 from the CSA increase in 15 years and is actually quite laid back about what she gets and what she doesn't! If she needs to get him something, she'll ask and if we can afford it, we'll get it, if not - we save together and then get it!

The amount of money my husband pays out for his children leaves him with pretty much nothing apart from 1/2 the rent on our home - do I complain that I put money toward his kids? No, as long as I know they are both happy and well looked after!

Well done OP for feeling for your ex, but at the end of the day his other kids (they may be 1/2 brothers to your son) are not your problem. Do what you feel is right!

mummy_Jay

Here is the only issue i see, it's not really your money it's your childrens. This money is provided to help look after them and for their future. If you give it back once, he'll expect to be able to do this over and over again.

You can do it on your own good for you, thats exactly what i do as I don't get any from the ex but if i had it, it would be my DS not mine, so it wouldn't be my place to give it away

*Louise*

You have to take into consideration the fact that, if you give him some of the money back...it will most probably end up going to his other ex. (Who is already getting more money than you!)

How come you can manage and she can't??

It's great that you can feel compassion for him, but if you cancel the CSA arrangement, you could end up with nothing ("Oh, sorry, I took the twins out, I will have money for you next week...")

That's not to say that you can't give him something now and then......ie "here's some money, take the kids to the soft play area on me" etc

That way he isn't 'expecting' to get the money back, and you get to help him out a little.

looktothefuture

*Louise* Brilliant post and an excellent idea!!!

Ex with Twins sounds like she needs a bit of an attitude adjustment! I can guarentee you she's saying to the ex hub "ooohhhh I bet so-in-so's kids get more than little twin 1 and little twin 2 and they ALWAYS get left out!"

jellyhead

98sidney wrote: »

The idea of giving the money back is because the other ex is having ago as he never takes them to nice places and is using this to threaten to block access, she is not happy with the park but instead wants a mc donalds everyweek and a theme park or indoor play areas, I know he isnt lying about this as me and the other ex have had words about it..
So I thought if I gave my csa money back he would have the money to spend on them and she wouldnt block access..

Sharing a 2-bed house isn't an extravagant lifestyle really, so I can see why he might be struggling even with the ordinary debts that people can carry from a previous relationship. This isn't your problem though, although it's really kind of you to take so much trouble to help keep everyone's relationships intact.

Why can't the other mum give some of HER maintenance back? She's not going to be in poverty, is she? even if she doesn't work her income is probably higher than his after he pays the maintenance.

Just a thought though - Is the other mum really demanding theme parks, or is she simply saying please don't just leave them in front of the TV the whole time? I've heard a lot of mums talking about exes at the various toddler groups etc. I took my youngest to, and a lot of the time it's not actually a 'money' thing, it's more 'he never DOES anything with them'.

One mum in particular had a moan at her ex's mum too, and she got involved - the ex started doing the cheap/free things like taking a picnic to the park, going for a walk in the woods, baking cakes etc. with the children, and that was really all the mum wanted - she wasn't demanding that he spend money on them, just not plonk them in front of cbeebies all day.

I can't imagine (although I'm sure it happens) a mum threatening to block access purely because he doesn't spend money, there has to be more to it than that? It sounds like a disagreement over parenting styles between the two of them, and try as you might that's not really something you can sort out for him.

If I were you I'd try talking to the other mum, getting the children together at parks, swimming pools etc. to spend time together and try to persuade her gently to keep the access going, suggest cheap things that the ex could do with the children etc. but as far as money goes I think I'd put any spare into something for my own children - guitar lessons for example.

jellyhead

98sidney wrote: »

I see with the twins he has another chance to be a good dad, and I dont want twins to be treated the same way as my 2 were..

Sorry, I missed this page

Why is this your problem? It's great that you care, and you sound like a lovely person, but this is HIS chance to be a good dad and you can't do it for him. If he and his ex are arguing then it's something he needs to sort out, and he can still be a good dad without taking money from you.

I think you said your children are both still primary age? he hasn't 'missed his chance' to be a good dad, they are still little! He could improve his relationship with them if he tried, surely?

I don't mean to sound unkind or assume that's he's lazy/disinterested/waiting for you to do everything for him, but it sort of sounds that way.

98sidney

Louise I love that idea, that would work as like other posters have said I will know where the money is going..

Csa money at the mo is always used for kids and any left that I dont need goes into my kids account..

As for how can I cope and she cant, simple I spend only what I have. I dont smoke and I dont drink, she smokes and drinks most eves.. I also have no problem with 2nd hand goods, whilst she will be disgusted with the idea of doing such a thing..

Yes she has said I bet your 2 got this and he bought that for you. Believe me I put her right on afew things there, and that shocked her and uses that to throw back at him. I do get the feeling she does resent my 2 because if they werent here she would be getting alot more..

I am not doing this for my ex or her defo not her, I am doing it so my kids can see their half brothers as they love their brothers and its me that has to tell them they cant see them anymore when the woman decides to throw a tantrum.

No to me more money doesnt make him a better dad, but in exs eyes him taking the twins to expensive places, and buying them things does make him a better dad..

*Louise*

You know, you come across as so sensible - he is lucky to have you as the mother of two of his children.

I would totally avoid discussing money at all with the other woman, I have no sympathy for anyone who smokes and complains they are short of money. :rolleyes:

sulkisu

emlou2009 wrote: »

!

What people forget (and the CSA too) is that he is paying a mortgage on a property which one day will end up with those children, be it in the form of a home to live in, or proceeds from the sale of the house one day when he passes on.

That's simply not true. His children have no automatic right to his property, either now or in the future. Nothing to stop him leaving it to a new wife, stepkids or selling it and blowing the proceeds on a sportscar.