Do you feel guilty about how much csa give you

98sidney

Hi. I know I will get shot down for asking this, but I feel so guity how much csa take off my ex and how much they take of him for his younger twins from another relationship..

£240 is taking off him everymonth, for some reason I get £92 rest goes to other mum, something about I was on older system and she is new one and it will take 3 years to get same amount as her..

The thing is he has a mortgage with his brother, and after paying all this out is surviving using a credit card.

I know he has to pay somethng towards his kids, but to see the father of your kids go further into debt just so he can eat etc, makes me feel so guilty..

I told the other mum I was thinking of giving back the money or at least half of it so he can use it to take her sons out as she has complained he doesnt take them anywhere, but she is angry with me..
Its his sons birthday in feb and I have had to buy a present for them for him to give as his has no money..

I know he has to pay somethng towards his kids, but to see the father of your kids go further into debt just so he can eat etc, makes me feel so guilty..

csh_2

98sidney wrote: »

Hi. I know I will get shot down for asking this, but I feel so guity how much csa take off my ex and how much they take of him for his younger twins from another relationship..

£240 is taking off him everymonth, for some reason I get £92 rest goes to other mum, something about I was on older system and she is new one and it will take 3 years to get same amount as her..

The thing is he has a mortgage with his brother, and after paying all this out is surviving using a credit card.

I know he has to pay somethng towards his kids, but to see the father of your kids go further into debt just so he can eat etc, makes me feel so guilty..

I told the other mum I was thinking of giving back the money or at least half of it so he can use it to take her sons out as she has complained he doesnt take them anywhere, but she is angry with me..
Its his sons birthday in feb and I have had to buy a present for them for him to give as his has no money..

I know he has to pay somethng towards his kids, but to see the father of your kids go further into debt just so he can eat etc, makes me feel so guilty..

I'm assuming the £240 is a percentage of his wage and leaves him plenty to live on.
If he chooses to have a large mortgage thats his own problem.

rocketdog_2

He'll think hard before having more kids next time!

feelinggood_2

Could you not agree on a private arrangement that you feel is more fair?

atwitsend_2

I wouldn't feel guilty. My ex hasn't paid a penny since last January, CSA have been on his tail since last Febuary, and as a result have set up the payment schedule on friday (finally!) at 40% of his wage....now I know thats not going to leave him alot of spare cash , but if he hadn't of stopped paying a year ago, the arrears wouldn't of mounted up and they wouldn't be taking 40%!

jellyhead

You say you're thinking about giving him back half of the money - can you afford to do that? If you're well off enough enough not to need every penny that he gives you then do it if that's what you want.

My sister has a private arrangement with her exes, where both pay an agreed amount but it's less than they would pay the CSA - but neither of her exes has other children to support, so I don't know how that would work with the CSA, and I know nothing about calculations or how the CSA works.

You could always send your child with money for cinema etc. when the child goes to their dads I suppose - but dad doesn't HAVE to take them out - they could just go to the park maybe?

bestpud

feelinggood wrote: »

Could you not agree on a private arrangement that you feel is more fair?

That was my first thought too.

You do realise you can cancel the CSA claim and arrange something between you, don't you?

Tbh though, I am wondering why on earth you are buying presents on his behalf...?

Seems to me he has you eating out of his hand and more fool you for giving in imo! :rolleyes:

The CSA assessment is based on his income so he can afford it, whatever he tells you, but if you feel bad about it then contact them and say you will make a private arrangement.

Somehow I think he will still expect you to bale him out but that is your decision I guess.

kindofagilr

I only wish the csa could have got anything off my dad for my mam

money_saving_diva

98sidney wrote: »

Hi. I know I will get shot down for asking this, but I feel so guity how much csa take off my ex and how much they take of him for his younger twins from another relationship..

£240 is taking off him everymonth, for some reason I get £92 rest goes to other mum, something about I was on older system and she is new one and it will take 3 years to get same amount as her..

The thing is he has a mortgage with his brother, and after paying all this out is surviving using a credit card.

I know he has to pay somethng towards his kids, but to see the father of your kids go further into debt just so he can eat etc, makes me feel so guilty..

I told the other mum I was thinking of giving back the money or at least half of it so he can use it to take her sons out as she has complained he doesnt take them anywhere, but she is angry with me..
Its his sons birthday in feb and I have had to buy a present for them for him to give as his has no money..

I know he has to pay somethng towards his kids, but to see the father of your kids go further into debt just so he can eat etc, makes me feel so guilty..

Hi I don't know anything about CSA system but do you really only get £92 a month?? It doesn't seem much to me. He would have to pay much more for his child if he was living with him fulltime. He seems to be getting off lightly! As someone else says it will make him think before having more children. I wouldn't feel guilty!
How much does he spend on your child privatly - like does he spend much at weekends etc?

bright_side

If you decide to make a private agreement you run the risk of not getting anything atall!! As much as you think you know him and perhaps you believe he would never not pay, I believe (along with many others in the world, I guess) that you can't trust anyone when it comes to money!

January20

feelinggood wrote: »

Could you not agree on a private arrangement that you feel is more fair?

But you have to think that if you cancel the CSA and agree on a private arrangement, your ex can stop paying maintenance when he wishes, be as late as he wants, mess you around as much as he wants and there will be nothing you can do about it!

I have an arrangement with the CSA because as my ex always thought that having fun was more important than paying the rent and bills, I knew when it came to paying maintenance for his child, it wouldn't be a priority. And I was right as he got himself in a huge - I mean HUGE - amount of debt. I do feel sorry for him but I know that it's not because of paying maintenance for his daughter that he got into debt, it's because of his excessive lifestyle: pub, expensive restaurants, expensive foreign holidays, gadgets a-gogo... so OP before you make any (rash?) decision, make sure you get the facts, ALL the facts. He is a grown man. He is not your responsibility but your child(ren) is/ are.

I applaud your feeling. You must be a really good person. Be careful not to be taken for a ride!