Husband in debt

TheSaint_2

Do you love him? Does he love you? You did take out vows "in sickness, and in health" etc. This is a money sickness :P
If he does love you he should be willing to do what it takes to sort this out.
Based on your info on salaries his wage should pay the debt back quite quickly, and as long as he does do that then it is not a long term concern.
In marriage you often need to sacrifice. If you really love each other then you should consider putting what you have toward the debt too.

I had a similiar problem when i got married, my missus had a card debt which I paid off. It wasnt anywhere near as big as that - but even if it had been I would have done it.
But thats because I would do anything for her

sunshine_shell

thesaint have you read the whole thread, he isn't bothered about losoing his marriage and doesn't seem to want to fix it. I would be doing the same as the OP and showing him the door.

ChefBungle

hulagirl79 wrote: »

He is still trying to say my car and other things for the house. My car is £1000. which still leaves 19000 on credit card.
I have thought of plasma tv, flight to california for him, play station 3, green house, stuff for his car, meals out for him, weekend away with boys etc i could go on as these were bought over time i assumed it was being paid for not put on credit.
I agree that there must be more stuff but thats all i can see.
The other thing is he goes to tesco at least 4 times a week and spends about £20-£30 per time [ food and drink, very few things for me] that all soon adds up.
I cant see the c/c statments as he is keeping them all at work not at home.[ yes i know that is odd i have had this decussion with him.

Speaking from experience - I cheated on my ex-wife (long story, please don't judge, I am reformed now, in a very loving relationship!) - and I hate to say it but I recognise all the signs of someone who is exhibiting VERY secretive behaviour. He clearly has something to hide that he does not want you to be aware of. I'm not saying he's cheating on you, but I agree with the other posters that something just doesn't add up. Full disclosure in a relationship is vital otherwise there is no respect.

I would be very particular with your solicitor about the questions you ask - please make sure you see a solicitor who specialises in divorce cases, as from experience they will give you the best advice.

One of the posters earlier said that your savings would be classed as matrimonial assets. In the same vein, his credit card debts will be classed as matrimonial debt. Very frustrating I know as you have nothing to show for it, but that's just the way it works. Basically, everything just goes into a pot and gets split 50:50.

Good luck with it all, we're all here to support. Dodgy-looking hug for you - :grouphug:

hulagirl79

Hi everyone.
Well i decided to check his credit file.
He has 4 credit cards totalling £24,599 two taken out in 2009 and two from 2002 and 2004.
So he underestimated by nearly 5 grand.
I have wrote down all the details so i have proof. There is nothing else on his file that i was unaware of.
My solictor specialises in divorce law so i feel comfortable about that.
I have briefly spoken to him to sort out estate agents who i will phone on monday to get the ball rolling.
Chef bungle- i would not judge no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes all you can hope for is that you learn from them.
The saint - i have no idea if he loves me he has not said recently and his actions say otherwise as for if i do not anymore he has hurt me too much by his behaviour and he is not going to hurt me anymore.
Thanks for all your advice

DigitalJedi

For what its worth Hulagirl, I think you are doing the right thing. If he will not face up to the fact, and borrowing more money to pay off his debts then he hasn't had his lightbulb moment yet.

Even in the face of losing his wife he'd rather carry on regardless than man up and deal with the mess. You did the right thing in offering to help sort out the mess but as the old adage goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

I hope things go well. Just be careful about things like hacking into his computer etc. Whilst you are still under the same roof you do need to maintain a degree of civility.

charlea

thats right i forgot about that - but as they are splitting up anyway myself personally wouldnt care i would just want to know what he has been spending his money on :mad: but i think the op has been very mature and level headed about the whole situation i know that i would not be a nice

chesky369 wrote: »

I'd be very careful about trying to see his on-line bank accounts - unless you don't mind him knowing you've done so - accounts always say something like 'you last accessed this account at 10.25am on monday 3rd november'. So he would be able to tell immediately.

pinkshoes

hulagirl79 wrote: »

The only issue i have now is he does not think a 50/50 split is fair as he has always paid more into the house [he earns over £1000 more per month than me and put the deposit down as well £10,000] he thought 70/30 was fair.
I am unsure i know the solictors will say usual is 50/50 and i dont want to spend loads arguing over it.
Any advice.
Thanks

Unless you have children, then I don't think 50/50 split is fair either, particularly as he put down the £10k deposit.

If you're going to claim 50% split, then you should also be prepared to take on 50% of his debt i.e. if you're putting a claim on half of the marital equity, then you need to also take responsibility for half the debt too.

Personally I would let him have the £10k he put in, then split the rest of the equity 70/30 (if that was the ratio you paid it). He is then entirely responsible for his own debt.

Ultimately, it's only money.

floss2

TheSaint wrote: »

....I had a similiar problem when i got married, my missus had a card debt which I paid off...

Did your wife behave the way the OP's husband is behaving & deny that there was a problem though?

ChefBungle wrote: »

... his credit card debts will be classed as matrimonial debt...

Not if they are only in his name, he is the only person liable for repaying them.

xmaslolly76

Hi Hula girl

Getting passed his front end password on the computer is really easy just boot it up and keep pressing F8 this will then give you a choice on how to boot the computer choose Safe mode and use the adminstrators account. you can then set up your own login as an administrator and have access to all the files on there. Also remember to delete the account you create by going through the F8 process again or he will know you have been on there. Please remember once you do this and see everything you cant take it back this really is a very last resort if you think he is hiding something terrible from you. Doing this will mean the trust is lost forever!

Aruna

Hula girl, you new posts since I last posted in this thread remind me of my now ex oh's - left him two weeks ago.

I feel your frustrations dear, there is nothing as frustrating as being with a man who sees nothing wrong with

-living beyond his means
-borrowing and borrowing and borrowing
-having all the flashy stuff bought on plastic (makes him feel all that when everyone around him goes wow that's nice)

A man who is financially irresponsible will get offended if you try and discuss money issues with them. He is also always in denial, getting him to see things the way you do is virtually impossible, probably has a lot of underlying issues, (usually indadequacy, or the need to maintain a certain social status), which he will try to satisfy with money and material things.

The way he hasn't tried hard to salvage what's left of your marriage speaks volumes regarding the position you hold in his life. He is a money worshipper who would rather safeguard his pride than admit to his weaknesses and save your marriage. Chances are you were seen as mere "business partner" (with benefits) to inject a little more money into his life to enable him to get by or get on the property ladder.

I was with a man for a very long time, and never saw his bank statements, credit card statements. The one time found one stashed somewhere (forgotten) I opened it, he wasn't a happy bunny. In that statement, I found out that the day he had come home late, saying he had to attend a function at the golf club, he had made a debit card payment at Odeon, which to me, meant, a movie, popcorn and some drinks.. but with who?? because I was at home on that day.

I would say take your time and do everything at your pace, not his.
You are in a good place as long as you visit this forum for advice.

I have no doubt he will be a lost man without you.

Good luck

Aruna