Husband in debt

paddy's_mum

Panic not, responders to this thread.

With this amount of debt, and this degree of denial and obstruction, there won't be any children of the marriage to be provided for, or to suffer from the unhappiness that such monumental and unexplained debt brings.

OP - what do you see as the point of this marriage? On your wedding day, was your one aim to support your husband in his refusal to grow up, or did you envisage a shared future, children, and growing old together?

Where does his behaviour, and perhaps more importantly, his attitudes leave you? I believe that the six month time limit is way too long since he could, without your knowledge, be digging a bigger and deeper hole for you to fall into. For me, it would be seven days to start making real and permanent changes or I'm gone ...

hulagirl79

Thanks everyone
Mrs tine- sorry no not near oxford although you could have the green house as i hate it. lol
I should clear up a few things- when i said about selling some things i meant for my benifit for me to save some money.
Paddy's mum- we were meant to be having ivf in april which i have said is not happening at all this year as i am not prepared to bring a child into this mess and the fact that we have to pay £3500 for treatment we so cant afford.
The treatment as far as i am concerned is never happening unless he turns things around which i am not sure he will do.
As for the point of my marraige- i took my vows very seriously and i thought he did too, we have had problems but none i didnt think we could overcome but this i am not sure i can ever trust him again.
We have sat down and he is now saying he will sell his car [his decison not mine] not sure if he will i guess that one is a wait and see. He says he understands that this is not a good situation but he will sort it out [ his words not mine]
I feel 6 months is a fair time limit, it gives him time to make some big changes and if he is going to slip back into old habits that will show up to and it gives me time to save up some money too.
He cant get anymore credit as his rating is so bad no-one will give him anything and nothing is getting put in my name or against the house.
Thanks
xx

belfastgirl23

hulagirl79 wrote: »

Thanks everyone
Mrs tine- sorry no not near oxford although you could have the green house as i hate it. lol
I should clear up a few things- when i said about selling some things i meant for my benifit for me to save some money.
Paddy's mum- we were meant to be having ivf in april which i have said is not happening at all this year as i am not prepared to bring a child into this mess and the fact that we have to pay £3500 for treatment we so cant afford.
The treatment as far as i am concerned is never happening unless he turns things around which i am not sure he will do.
As for the point of my marraige- i took my vows very seriously and i thought he did too, we have had problems but none i didnt think we could overcome but this i am not sure i can ever trust him again.
We have sat down and he is now saying he will sell his car [his decison not mine] not sure if he will i guess that one is a wait and see. He says he understands that this is not a good situation but he will sort it out [ his words not mine]
I feel 6 months is a fair time limit, it gives him time to make some big changes and if he is going to slip back into old habits that will show up to and it gives me time to save up some money too.
He cant get anymore credit as his rating is so bad no-one will give him anything and nothing is getting put in my name or against the house.
Thanks
xx

Do you think he has accepted his problem right from his heart or is he just saying the things he thinks you want to hear? If the latter I guess at least he cares enough to try to keep you but is it enough for you?

paddy's_mum

It crosses my mind to suggest that you have a private chat with your father-in-law. You really need all the help you can get if you are to help your husband get his spending under control.

If your husband has borrowed from his father before, was the money repaid on each occasion? Especially if it was not (ie it's well known that the problem is just going round in circles of greed and I-don't-care thinking) might it be possible to alert him that an approach may shortly be made and beg him to refuse any further loans - put in terms of denying his son for the sake of the marriage, it may be easier for father-in-law to refuse to bail him out any further.

Perhaps your husband needs to have it firmly pointed out that divorce, with all the financial repercussions - sell the house, maintenance, renting elsewhere let alone the court and legal costs - that spring from it is a very, very expensive exercise.

I do feel for you re the ivf - the loss of a dream is peculiarly hurtful.

I hope that your short-sighted hubby soon comes to realise that even the flashiest car is simply a pile of metal whereas a loyal and loving wife is priceless and not to be found in any old main agent showroom. Good luck.

ninky_2

hulagirl79 you sound so sure about leaving your partner that i wonder if you shouldn't just start to make moves to do it now. it is a big worry that he has tried to cover up his debt until it has got so big he just can't lie about it. also, his solution of borrowing more from his dad is just ridiculous. if a lender won't lend to him because they don't consider him able to pay back the debt to them why does he want to put his dad in difficulty. it's sounds as if he is being very selfish and not considering the financial stability of those who should be nearest and dearest to him.

MrsTinks

Well I have a 4x4 - I could possibly still pick up the hated greenhouse

Jesting aside... I think only one person will know if there is enough trust and love left to try or keep trying to salvage this... Is the anger a momentary thing and will pass in a week or two or is it you building up to facing that actually you don't think this is working and the lies about debts is nothing more than the infamous drop...

Any

Hullagirl - you sound like me 18 mths ago. Absolutely everything does, including the earnings and irresponsible parent (for me it was my mother).

I can tell you for once that I have been there firslty 18 mths ago - denial, snappy when talking about money, etc.. I did balance transfers and he promised he will be better.

Guess what - 12 mths later I found out that he paid back one card and made mess of 2 another ones!! It was time for it big style.

Firstly I made proper search of his cards and bank accounts. I actually found out that it might sound like he has £1800 left over but it actually is only £1000 after fuel expenses, his son's maintenance and some of his presents etc, once/twice a month he takes me to restaurant etc...

And that £1000 is not easily monitored as he is on the road a lot and has to pay expenses that he then reclaims form work etc.. mess all over the place.

I had to give him ultimatum and took all of his cards away. Left him with 1 for the expenses with limit of only £2000. He didn't take the ultimatum well to begin with, but I screamed I cried you name it and he had no other option then to take it. He now shows me his statements without moaning.

So far so good, but that reminds me that I haven't seen his work credit card statement for while...

BTW men don't like talking about any problems, let alone financial problem and let alone to admitt them. My OH comes from such a background that his family NEVER talks about money. Talking about money is rude!

hulagirl79

Hi
paddy's mum- i would have a chat with my father in law but he had a mini stroke two weeks ago and was in hospital for 10 weeks end of last year with mental health problems, so i dont want to burden him and his wife with this [if my husband wants to thats his business, i have told him i think it is wrong of him to put more pressure on an old man but he feels it will be fine] it feels selfish to me and i would never dream of doing it to my mum.
He has borrowed form his dad and sister before, when his dad asked for the money back i paid it for him [this was 4 years ago] as he didnt have it. That is why i am not going to bail him out again.
The ivf is sad but i would rather not have children then bring them into this mess.
Any- thanks for your response, i am glad it is working out for you and that you know your hard work is making the situation better.
As for the anger i am not sure, i am so angry and it does not seem to be getting better but that being said it is only 1 week so maybe over time if he proves he is working towards sorting it out that will change.
I think i have said all ii can to him at the moment and until things change or he shows he is changing i should sort myself out and concentrate on making myself as secure financially as possible.

Any

The thing is - if you are ready to leave then do it. It's the same like with alcoholics.... Threatening doesn't work, quite often it's only the real thing that brings them to their senses.

And if he even then doesn't see it as a mistake, then he is really not worth it.

But you need to be ready to do it if he doesn't turn around.

Good luck

P.S. sorry, didn't notice your last thread about him selling the car. If he does do it, then I think it's sign he cares about you. However you will still have to keep your eyes on the ball - you cannot change over night (unless brought into a state of absolute shock-which he doesn't seem to be in) so he will need a bit time.

hulagirl79

Hi
I just wanted to update everyone who has given me some very good advice.
Well i have found out that other half has borrowed money from his dad/step mum and sister but has not told them what it is for. As i have posted before i have also found copies of his bank statments, which he now knows i have [i told him] he was not happy he said it was his private things and i shoould not be going through his things, i did point out that he has got himself in this debt and as we are married and he had not shown them to me when i asked i feel quite justified looking at them. I have said he is free to do the same with mine.

The most worring thing he has said to me was that " i didnt have to tell you, i could of sorted this out by myself, we could of had ivf treatment and you would never of known"
this really disturbed me as that is not my idea of a marriage.

So i told him its over and his response was "ok fair enough thats your choice, nothing i can say will change your mind"
So now i am in the process of sorting out the house, solictor etc.
I think it is just sinking in and i keep swinging from i am glad i have done it to is this really the right decision.

I guess only time will tell
Thank you to everyone who commented and gave advice.
xx