Husband in debt

DVardysShadow

daska wrote: »

If he's withdrawing a lot of cash then I think you have every right to demand that he provides receipts for at least 90% of what he's purchasing (I'm allowing for the odd box of tictacs). One month should show you where the cash going or put a halt to the spending. And if he won't provide receipts then you go sooner rather than later. I'm with DVS, he may well be gambling, or using it for other activities which a wife wouldn't be pleased to find out about. My first husband stole from our marriage for it's duration, which I only found out about when we divorced and I discovered the savings account that we had been paying into had been shut down shortly after we married. He'd been spending it on 'whatever'.

That is awful and must hurt even to write about.

Hulagirl. One other random thought. Is he really earning what he says or does he have small willy complex about actually earning a lot less? Just another thing to eliminate.

pinkshoes

No offence, but your husband sounds like a selfish ar*ehole, and you are being far too lenient on him. From what you've written, he obviously doesn't give a sh*t about your marriage.

I would say he either has a gambling addiction or is paying for a flat for his mistress (!).

I think you need to give him an ultimatum. He has completely betrayed you, and he can't even be honest now it's all out in the open.

I would make him sit down, and tell him that he has to hand over all his finances to you (accounts and card), and you will give him a sensible amount of spending money each week (work out how much he NEEDS).

DO NOT let him borrow from his Dad. He ought to live like a hermit until every penny of the debt is paid off. He can easily do it on his salary, and it's the very least he can do given he's lied and betrayed you. I'd say that's as bad as cheating, if not worse.

thorsoak

You've been given good advice Hula girl. I think that you do need to start your own "get out of jail free" fund ...and I appreciate that this might be difficult to do in cash at the moment. How about looking into purchasing a nice piece of jewellary (not H Samuels or Argos!!) on a regular basis ....look in pawnbrokers ...no VAT charged on second-hand jewellary - see what is there that you like in 18c gold, maybe???? Hide it in your underwear drawer ...

Portable property

daska

DVardysShadow wrote: »

That is awful and must hurt even to write about.

Hulagirl. One other random thought. Is he really earning what he says or does he have small willy complex about actually earning a lot less? Just another thing to eliminate.

TBH within a year or so of him leaving I was earning considerably more than him and he was concentrating so much on getting one over on me that he didn't notice and paid well over the odds in maintenance. I reckon I probably got the money back overall LOL.

hulagirl79

Hi everyone
Thank you for your replies
I know for a fact there is no other women so no flat and gambling i really dont think so. From the credit card statments i have found the money has gone on a plasma tv [ i did not want one, he did and he told me he had saved for], new exhaust and other stuff for his car, lots of trips to tesco every day, christmas presents, money for his sister when she came over to stay [ when i found out i went loopy, long story] eating out [ he thinks nothing of having a take away every day, i dont and dont eat what he buys, mostly curry]
He starts lots of hobbies and spends money on buying books on the subject and a green house. All this info i have gathered from statments from 6 months ago that i managed to find, all of two.
He def earns what he says he does as i have seen his pay slip.
I know i need to be harder on him but to be honsest this has knocked me for six i did not expect this and i only found out less than a week ago. My plan this weekend is to look through my things see what assets i have sell some things and save money, contact agencys and get some friday work [ i work mon - thur with everyother saturday] and find a solictor, to see what my options are [ as i can not take over the mortgage so we either sell the house or he buys me out, which i dont think he can do now]
Daska- that most of been really tough [understatment] and i am so glad you came through it even better, it gives me hope that it can be done.

Thanks again
xx

floss2

hulagirl79 wrote: »

....He has not suggested selling the car, which is what i would do as you are right high insurance, tax and petrol costs....

Exactly what is he proposing to do about paying off his debts then? Especially if the car is the beneficiary of some of the excess spending?

hulagirl79 wrote: »

...From the credit card statments i have found the money has gone on a plasma tv ... new exhaust and other stuff for his car, lots of trips to tesco every day, christmas presents, money for his sister when she came over to stay ... eating out ... He starts lots of hobbies and spends money on buying books on the subject and a green house...

I'm sorry, but he either has a greenhouse full of very expensive gardening equipment, or that is an awful lot of takeaway to constitute £30k of debt!!

hulagirl79 wrote: »

...My plan this weekend is to look through my things see what assets i have sell some things and save money, contact agencys and get some friday work [ i work mon - thur with everyother saturday] and find a solictor, to see what my options are [ as i can not take over the mortgage so we either sell the house or he buys me out, which i dont think he can do now]...

Why should YOU be selling YOUR stuff? What is HE going to do? Borrow more from someone else?

I still think that there is something else at the root of this problem - especially if a lot is being "acquired" in cash through withdrawals or cashback.

kindofagilr

I dont think your plan will work until you can get to the bottom of where he is spending his excess cash.

I know its easy to waste some but not that much.

Until you know where its going, saying he has £1000 spare to pay off debt might not be the case.

kegg_2

£40k of debt would be easy to run up if he has been over spending for years and he does sound the type who has never watched what he is spending.

I wouldn't be looking to sell any of my stuff especially if he was unwilling to get rid of his car. It is not your debt so it is his responsibility to deal with it.

I am not sure i would want to be with a man who was so finacial irrisponsible and then expected others to bail him out. I dont know if you are wanting to have a family at any time in the furture but if you are you must ask yourself do you want this behaviour when you have a child to povide for?

MrsTinks

don't suppose you're near Oxford - I'm looking for a greenhouse

Seriously... He doesn't sound like he appreciated the severity of the situation... My now DH had debts (as did I) when we met - but we were both very up front about it from the beginning - I didn't know the extent of his debts but I knew without a doubt he was rubbish with money He wanted a new car every year, new fancy clothes, latest gadgets, nights out, take aways... it took a little while but I got him trained and now although he's far more likely to buy tat than me then he's so much better. His debts are reducing and he's due a big bonus (been 12 months in the making!) and for the first time in his life he's not saying "Oh let's go on holiday, buy a new car, new golf clubs, fishing rob etc" he asked me what we should be paying off! Depending on the exact amount then we're clearing one of his cards and possibly one of mine Then we'll be snowballing the spare money on another debt which will mean we might be DF by the end of the year No small feat...

The leopard CAN change his shorts - but it's only possible IF they themselves see the problem - if they don't see a problem then you're fighting a loosing battle...

belfastgirl23

I can sort of accept that there's not a secondary problem if you are really certain about this. In this case though the problem is really that he is spending money like he's earning twice as much as he does.

Before you start sorting anything out he really needs to acknowledge that this is a problem. And he clearly is nowhere near this yet. I kind of feel though that this type of compulsive and irrational spending tends to mask bigger issues of some sort - whether insecurities or whatever. And that you really need to sit him down and try to get to the bottom of why he is spending like he does.

You also need to make sure he understands the consequences of his behaviour. Either that you wil never be able to get a mortgage/send kids to college or whatever. Or that living with debt makes you so unhappy that you can't live with him any more. Whatever is truthful is the best way to go.

If he still refuses to acknowledge it I really don't know what you should do, it's a very difficult situation...but I know personally I couldn't live like that.