Husband in debt

hulagirl79

Hi Thank you for all your advice.
I just wanted to update you, we sat down for the talk.
He had no paper work ready, so i laid out a planwhere as he has £1000per month to pay off his credit cards. I have copies of his bank statments and credit card statments [which i had to find as he was not going to show me] i have said that he is not taking out a loan against the house, as i am not risking our home.
He has now said he will borrow the money from his dad [ i am not keen on this idea as it is just borrowing more money, i doubt he will pay it back, his dad has bailed him out before]
It just doesnt feel like he is taking responsbility for the debt. Am i wrong?
He does not understand why i feel so upset by this his words were "it is not that bad it's not like i cheated on you, why are you making such a big deal.

I Have given him 6 months to make a start on this debt, if nothing happens in that time i am leaving. Is this fair? enough time to sort things out?
I am also trying to save as much as i can in that time incase i leave but one thing that was pointed out to me is if i save the money and leave he could be entitled to half of it. Is this correct? if so is there any way to get round it?

Thank you for your advice
xx

Emmzi

yes, your savings would be matrimonial assets.

who do you trust that can look after it for you? mum? best mate? sock under the bed? You need a secret exit account. If you don't need it, fine, pay a chunk off the mortgage.

YouHAVE to find out where the cash is going. £20k is only £400 a month over 4 years which I could spend on dvds and dining out no problem. But add the £1600 and it's 2k. Even I can't spend it that fast with nothing to show for it.

If he is serious he will se;; the car which presumabley has high insurance etc.

I suggest staying with a mate this weekend while you both get some space and think things over.

Any equity in the house? Are you covered if you need to sell?

Emmzi

just saw you have the bank statements. cash withdrawalas, or can you see where it is going?

chesky369

It looks like he is still not admitting to his problem and, like any addiction, you have to admit to it before you can do anything aboout putting it right. I fear for the future of your partnership right now, as there is no sense that you can go forward together on this, jointly taking responsibility and seeking a way out. Is he a shopaholic - agree with Emmzi - can you see where the loot is going?

SandC

I'm so glad that you sat down and talked and that you are deadly serious about him paying back these debts in a sensible way without taking out more loans. These things need to be nipped in the bud and sorted and he needs to change his attitude to spending and borrowing. I would bloody love to have his salary!

Seriously, take heed of what others have said - a friend of mine found out her husband had £30k worth of debts. They are now heading for divorce and their 20 year marriage has left her with debts, his debts when they should have been left with a house nearly paid for and no financial worries whatsover. She tried to get past the issue, working together on it but the trust was gone and he couldn't see what a big deal it was. So very sad.

kegg_2

hulagirl79 wrote: »

Hi Thank you for all your advice.
I just wanted to update you, we sat down for the talk.
He had no paper work ready, so i laid out a planwhere as he has £1000per month to pay off his credit cards. I have copies of his bank statments and credit card statments [which i had to find as he was not going to show me] i have said that he is not taking out a loan against the house, as i am not risking our home.
He has now said he will borrow the money from his dad [ i am not keen on this idea as it is just borrowing more money, i doubt he will pay it back, his dad has bailed him out before]
It just doesnt feel like he is taking responsbility for the debt. Am i wrong?
He does not understand why i feel so upset by this his words were "it is not that bad it's not like i cheated on you, why are you making such a big deal.

I Have given him 6 months to make a start on this debt, if nothing happens in that time i am leaving. Is this fair? enough time to sort things out?
I am also trying to save as much as i can in that time incase i leave but one thing that was pointed out to me is if i save the money and leave he could be entitled to half of it. Is this correct? if so is there any way to get round it?

Thank you for your advice
xx

You are not wrong infact i would have been harder on him.

My oh was in debt when i met him. But he told me about it before we got engaged. He admitted he was bad with money and wasted it if he had it.
My agreement with him was that we would still get engaged and set date for 2 years ahead but during this time i took control of his money and paid all our expenses and his debts. He was allocated a set amount of personal money which was his to do with what he wanted but he was'nt allowed access to credit cards or savings. I opened all his post to ensure he didn't take on anymore loans or credit cards.
Took 2 years to get us straight but we have now been married for 16 years and he has never got us in debt again but even now i keep an eye on what he is spending.
Unless he is willing to tackle the problem and sponging off his parents isn't tackling the problem then i wouldn't hold out much hope for your marriage.
Tell him how you feel and let him know you will walk if he doesn't acept responsibility and do something about it, but make sure you mean it as if you say it once and dont follow through he will think you are going to put up with it and he will never change.

hulagirl79

Hi
Thank you again for the replys.
I am deadly serious about leaving if he does not face up to his money issues [my dad was a gambler so i always swore i would never put my self in that situation]

Looking at his bank statements i can see most of his money is going to tesco or getting cash out as for his credit card statments it seems to be going on food or drink or car crap basically.

I am glad kegg it worked out for you but i know he will not let me take over his accounts [which in it self is a problem]
I too would love to earn as much as he does, i could buy some very nice shoes lol.
He has not suggested selling the car, which is what i would do as you are right high insurance, tax and petrol costs.
As for the account this is my biggest problem, i would normally ask my mum, but she has terminal cancer and on benifits due to not being able to work so any money in her name would affect that. I have no other family, a couple of close friends but it is quite a big ask of them. So i think i will have to keep thinking.
Thanks again
xx

DVardysShadow

hulagirl79 wrote: »

Hi
Thank you again for the replys.
I am deadly serious about leaving if he does not face up to his money issues [my dad was a gambler so i always swore i would never put my self in that situation]

Looking at his bank statements i can see most of his money is going to tesco or getting cash out as for his credit card statments it seems to be going on food or drink or car crap basically.

I am glad kegg it worked out for you but i know he will not let me take over his accounts [which in it self is a problem]
I too would love to earn as much as he does, i could buy some very nice shoes lol.
He has not suggested selling the car, which is what i would do as you are right high insurance, tax and petrol costs.
As for the account this is my biggest problem, i would normally ask my mum, but she has terminal cancer and on benifits due to not being able to work so any money in her name would affect that. I have no other family, a couple of close friends but it is quite a big ask of them. So i think i will have to keep thinking.
Thanks again
xx

I'm still puzzled. You must have a small warehouse of car stuff. Is he playing poker with a carparts dealer and paying off through fake invoices? A mistress who sells car parts? :rotfl::rotfl: Seriously, something is not right.

I suggest you give it 6 months and you audit everything bought on the cards - and make sure you know what the various car parts look like and see the original invoices.

At the end of 6 months, your debt resolution plan should be making good progress, but do watch out for other lines of credit being taken up. A loan from his father is not the answer. It wipes out the symptoms, but does not cure the problem.

daska

If he's withdrawing a lot of cash then I think you have every right to demand that he provides receipts for at least 90% of what he's purchasing (I'm allowing for the odd box of tictacs). One month should show you where the cash going or put a halt to the spending. And if he won't provide receipts then you go sooner rather than later. I'm with DVS, he may well be gambling, or using it for other activities which a wife wouldn't be pleased to find out about. My first husband stole from our marriage for it's duration, which I only found out about when we divorced and I discovered the savings account that we had been paying into had been shut down shortly after we married. He'd been spending it on 'whatever'.

Smashing

hulagirl79 wrote: »

Hi

Looking at his bank statements i can see most of his money is going to tesco or getting cash out as for his credit card statments it seems to be going on food or drink or car crap basically.

The money that appears to be spent in supermarkets may well be mostly cashback. You need to know where the money has and is going - right now you only know half the story.