OS Diary Archive July 06

moggins

Thanks all for the hugs, they are much appreciated.

The row is all about our difference in parenting, I think he's a bully, he thinks I am too easy on them and I'm inconsistent. I've just been drinking coffee with my friend (who definitely tells me like it is) and even she thinks I am in the right, that children need a little bit of leeway, that you don't jump down their throats for the first transgression, that you give them a warning and then punish them if they do it again That you should explain why you want things done and not expect to say jump and they say how high?

I also believe that it doesn't take two people to tell a child off, that the person who catches the child does the telling off and the other parent should only back the other person if the child tries to play one off against the other. If I tell the children off he will constantly join in, this just makes me feel undermined and as if I'm not doing the job properly. He thinks I am not supporting him when he tells the children off and I just let him get on with it and don't join in too, I feel that two parents haranguing a child at the same time amount to bullying, so he goes overboard and I'm there afterwards trying to pick up the pieces. I never let my children go to bed without them knowing that whatever they have done I still love them, to him this is being inconsistent!

I just don't know what to do, we are never going to agree and my children are caught in between all this getting sadder and sadder and this is changing who they are as people. My little girl, who used to move through the world as though she had an inner light has changed into a sad little stranger and it makes me cry to see her this way.

I raised two wonderful kids before he came along, he says that the dynamic has changed now, and there are now two parents, but if my kids were so great I couldn't have been doing much wrong, why should I change to incorporate his ideas? He's never parented before, surely he should be following my lead if I was already doing a pretty good job of it?

He makes me feel belittled and as though I am doing a poor job of it now, I'm not surprised, I don't know what I should be doing? If I do it my way I am too easy on them, if I do it his way he says I am being inconsistent? I just can't win

Icemaiden

Oh Moggins hun, I haven't really anything constructive to say but we all know what a wonderful job you do in bringing up YOUR children. If I was in your position I would do what was right for myself and my children and where as we can offer support unfortunatley only you can make the final decision.

My thoughts are with you.xxxxx

Churchmouse

((((moggins))))

OMG I think you're married to my dad!! Or certainly one of his clones.

Was your DH raised this way? A lot of parenting is learned behaviour, except when, like me you determine NEVER to treat your children the way you were treated!

I totally agree with warnings first, then promised punishment if naughtiness continues. And yes my kids always knew that while I might not like their behaviour at times I always loved them, and always would!

Any chance he'd be willing to talk to a third party, either friend or stranger who could help work through this?

Don't know what else to say, except thinking of you.

rchddap1

Good luck in sorting this out Moggins. Fortunately for bean my partner has a similar outlook on kids to myself (and you). He has a couple of daughters from previous relationships and he'll always try to talk things through first so that they understand. But he'll always make it perfectly clear that they've gone too far. However, at the end they'll always get a kiss and a cuddle.

I'm an almost step mother to the girls. However, I firmly believe that it is not my place to do any 'telling off'. If it is something dangerous then that's a different matter. I will have a strong word. But for most things I will leave it to Dad to sort out. Has worked well for us as the girls trust me to do the right thing. Besides works a treat when we're on our own....they start thinking about something....I can say "well its up to you, but what would your dad say".

In fact now that they are teenagers I'm a useful person for them. They want to tell their dad something, but can't. So they tell me and I tell him. However I will always impress on him that they're a bit scared about the 'topic' and to go easy on them. Of course he does and its smiles all round. In fact sometimes he decides that he wants them to tell him (even though he already knows) and will have a gentle chat with them so they get their chance to explain.

AussieLass

((((((Moggins)))))))

Thank you for sharing that with us. I can only imagine how upsetting it must be for you. I gather your DH is not the father of your children. Does he have any previous children? It's such a hard thing, I expect in every other way you are both really happy but can't agree on the child raising issues. I expect this is the way he was brought up and being pig headed which most men are he only see his way as the *best* way.

Have you ever got some books etc on effective parenting and discussed topics with him together? You should point out to him how it's affecting your DD's happiness and something needs to be done NOW. We are all here to support you. xxx(((())))))

DD bought me a pkt of sour cream & chives crisps. :drool: Crisps are my weakness. I can hear them calling me from the pantry. Must go.

moggins

DH is my youngest's daddy but not the older two, she is his first and only child and she's 5. My eldest is nearly 22 and she left home this year, she's never been pregnant, never done drugs, is a pub landlady and rarely drinks. I'm really proud of her and what she has achieved so young.

elona

mogginsBig hug! He needs someone else to tell him that being different does not automatically mean that the other person is wrong.He does not seem to get that "being supportive" does not have to be vocal.I am writing this in the library as our computer has finally given up struggling against the viruses, Trojans etc.We have to keep popping into tesco to see if they have any good packages yet. We saw something ideal a few months ago but "you know who" decided we did not really need it at the time!!!!!We went to see my dad last night and managed to get him in a wheelchair and take him into the courtyard where we all had a cup of tea or coffee together. I think he enjoyed it but it took three nurses to get him back into bed! Warned another nurse that he does not tell them when he is in pain - they are now noticing this themselves and watching out for him. Somone who used to be in the next bed died a couple of days ago and that has given him a shock. Deposited three pairs of clean and ironed pyjamas so that should keep him going for a couple of days.

Pooky

Lillibet - What fantastic news!!!! :j :j

We too have just had some great news....

DH's company are relocating about 45 miles away before the year is out, they've just sent round the figures for the package they're offering for 2 years to motivate the staff to stay on...... DH will be getting just over £900 a month extra!!!!!!!!!!!! He's going to be car sharing so the cost of fuel isn't any different to what he's using now....we'll lose our tax credit but it still means we'll be £600 a month better off...and we'll be able to be debt free in under 18 months!

By the time the incentive stops, we'll be in a position to move nearer the new office, completely debt free and make a new start in a new area, lowering our outgoings at the same time!

I'm off to celebrate with the ironing board!!!

poppycracker

afternoon everyone

thanks for being so supportive yesterday, I didn't manage to get back on after I posted at lunchtime, but I read all your replies today. AussieLass I would trade him in, but not sure if anyone else would want him....might get sued for misinforming buyers! Things are quieter today but there's always that undercurrent, so nothing is going to get talked about today

Moggins I know exactly how you feel, so big ((((((((HUGGGGGGS)))))) to you. And to Smashing Blouse, hope your Nan is feeling better today. And to Wigginsmum hope your head is feeling better.

Good for you Pooky and lillibet about your jobs. Hope something you really enjoy comes along for you.

P-P hope you feel better after being to the hospital.

manicdays hope you find your passport

(((HUgs)) to anyone else who needs one

twink

its boiling hot here, yesterday too, luckily we dont have a hosepipe ban here
the strawberrys are ripening nicely and the apple trees are laden with fruit this year, i peel the cookers and slice them into water with lemon then bag and freeze them, they keep a long time
its too hot to do the flylady challenge just now should be cooler next week
penny-pincher hope hosp has gone alright today
lillibet - good news about the job its lovely when everything goes well
snowyowl - thanks for getting back to me re slow cooker, its just that
when i had the big one it had a water seal round the lid
moggins - i am with you and you are right to be proud of your eldest dd
can your dh not see how well you have done
aussielass - the curried sausages sound lovely could you post the recipe if
had a minute

love to all xx