I want to leave my OH but he owes me money

RAS

Aruna

You OK?

curlygirl1971

Yes, please post Aruna - been thinking about you. Hope you are okay

clearing_out_my_pockets

Aruna, I hope you're ok. Reading this thread has brought back memories for me. When I was younger, I went out with a 'man' who was constantly borrowing money from me. I don't know why I put up with it, but I did. On one occassion (very close to the end of our relationship and two weeks after my dad went into intensive care) he stole every penny of my monthly salary from my bank account. I should point out that at that point he'd been sacked from his job as a pub assistant manager for having his hands in the till. After he'd stolen the money, I was so angry with him and we had a blazing row. About a week later, he complained that we hadn't slept together for three weeks. Given the fact that my dad was seriously ill AND he had stolen SO much from me in one go, it's not surprising. That night he raped me. The next morning he was my ex.

I never reported either the theft or the rape. But people who do know about it never doubted me. Take your friend's advice. I hope you've moved out now.

If you want a chat, PM me as I've kind of been there x

DVardysShadow

A bit Off Topic here.

This thread was started on 10 Jan as being a question of how OP could get her £1600 back off her ex. A little over 2 weeks later, it turns to rape and it gets uglier by the day.

I am gobsmacked at how quickly this has turned - [but note that some were warning OP to make an exit plan almost from the start] . Now for the sake of general education, does this kind of situation often turn this exceedingly nasty this quickly?

neneromanova

Oh that last long post youlast made Aruna made me Laugh. He expects you to drop everything and do him there and then whenever he wants! Is this guy for real? When he's on top of you why haven't you kneed him in the nuts? That's the first thing I would have done. Then I would have rung the police to get them to take him away.

You HAVE to do something. This can't go onto another woman. Good Luck x

RAS

DVardysShadow wrote: »

I am gobsmacked at how quickly this has turned - [but note that some were warning OP to make an exit plan almost from the start] . Now for the sake of general education, does this kind of situation often turn this exceedingly nasty this quickly?

Based on my experience of this forum, there have been a good number of women who originally report economic abuse but are also subject to other forms of domestic abuse, which comes out once they start talking to other people. (not being sexist here but only encountered a few men on here who stayed in this sort of relationship). Sometimes the support they got on-line encourages to talk to someone in real life, sometimes it is when people start suggesting remedies that cannot be actioned because of the fear of retalitation that the abuse becomes apparent.

When someone has lived in an abusive relationship for years, their expectations of relationships are different. It seems that sometimes a financial crisis pushes them to divulge things they previous kept quiet. Once they start to operate in a different paradigm, the shift in perceptions is massive.

There are also women who have left or are about to leave abusive relationships who have often acquired substantial debts, because their partner has signed them up for joint accounts, not paid bills which have been put in their names, failed totally to provide the means to keep the roof over the families head or food on the table and often prevented them retaining employment. They have put themselves in hock to feed the kids and pay the bills.

DVardysShadow

RAS wrote: »

Based on my experience of this forum, there have been a good number of women who originally report economic abuse but are also subject to other forms of domestic abuse, which comes out once they start talking to other people. (not being sexist here but only encountered a few men on here who stayed in this sort of relationship). Sometimes the support they got on-line encourages to talk to someone in real life, sometimes it is when people start suggesting remedies that cannot be actioned because of the fear of retalitation that the abuse becomes apparent.

When someone has lived in an abusive relationship for years, their expectations of relationships are different. It seems that sometimes a financial crisis pushes them to divulge things they previous kept quiet. Once they start to operate in a different paradigm, the shift in perceptions is massive.

So, to a great extent, the major change has been in the OP's perceptions? Abusive partner has been over the boundary, so as to speak for years, rape on top of debt dependency - but no big issue because abused partner does not view it in that way? And then abused partner recognises the issues and redefines the boundary?

I realise I am treading on sensitive sexual politics here, but it looks to me now as though the speed with which this happens is not so much due to any great change in the abusive partner's behaviour, but because the abused partner [rightly] redefines the boundary to where it should have been all along.

I know this heads off in the direction of 'so it's really a problem resulting from the woman's change of thinking' - but I 'm not going with that. I'm more concerned with the advice to be given at the outset. For sure, I would recognise another thread coming up with this pattern, but I am more concerned to know how to communicate how this could play out and how quickly.

Sorry, Aruna, it's your thread - and you have moved on beyond this particular point, but to me this is a bit of an eye opener and I hope you don't mind me getting some of my questions aired.

RAS wrote: »

There are also women who have left or are about to leave abusive relationships who have often acquired substantial debts, because their partner has signed them up for joint accounts, not paid bills which have been put in their names, failed totally to provide the means to keep the roof over the families head or food on the table and often prevented them retaining employment. They have put themselves in hock to feed the kids and pay the bills.

This I am aware of - mostly as something which happened years ago. Now I can see it unfolding. It certainly adds some colour to the picture of debt acquired in an abusive relationship.

RAS

Originally Posted by Aruna
Same thing happened again the next day. So I had a chat with somebody after it happened the second time, and she thinks this is some form of rape. I don't know what to make of it, because I've always thought its normal for a man (long term) to resort to using physical strength, anger and agression, sometimes showing dissapointment if I say no. Tbh this is how its been all our life together and I thought it was normal.

but no big issue because abused partner does not view it in that way? And then abused partner recognises the issues and redefines the boundary?

It may well have been an issue, sometimes a big issue but the abuser has repeatedly defines it as normal and the abused person does not have any other reference point.

One of my friends was convinced she was an appalling wife and house keeper because her partner told her she was lousy at managing their finances. The amount she appeared to have as housekeeping was reasonable. She was desparately unhappy and vunerable because if she did not provide he hit her.

It was only when we got down to details that I discovered that she was paying the rent, rates, all utilties and running the household on much less than she would have received as a single parent on benefits (we are talking before they were increased as well).

Her partner was drinking and smoking half their joint income and at that stage he refused to let her work.

But she was the one who was "incapable of managing money well".

Aruna

Hi all,
I'm ok everyone and thanks a lot for caring... I never feel alone since I posted here,
This is what's happened so far since I last posted:
Sat morning Ex oh went out and left me sleeping, and then came back around 3pm, he came back in the "can we talk" mode, I sat down, listened more, spoke less, he said he was sorry for what he had said earlier, he didn't mean it, that we should put the past behind us, start all over again, he can't see himself without me - the same old please forgive me so i can walk all over you again.
So, to save myself any aggro, I just said ok, fine, but on condition that he does not EVER force himself on me again (to which he agreed reluctantly) So I pretended to play happy families and get him thinking it was all new beginnings. The next thing he expected was to jump into bed, but I simply said I really don't want any pressure and we'd already agreed on that. I did not manage to leave on Saturday because he was at home till bed time. So, on my way out to work on Sunday, I took just a few essentials and left as normal. Didnt hear from him all day, and just before i finished work, I rang him, even though he was on the other end of the phone line, i was so so scared to tell him.
Him: You finished work?
Me: Yes, nearly
Him: I hope u took a brolly coz its raining, what do you wanna eat when you get in?
Me: I'm not coming back
Him: What do you mean?
Me: I mean I'm leaving
silence........deep sigh
Him: I need you to come back here after work
Me: No I'm not coming back
Him: I said I need you to come back here, (That's all he kept saying, with a very assertive tone like an adult talking to a child misbehaving) So I simply said goobye and hung up. I stayed at my friend's and found my own place, - moved in on Friday 29 feb,
I spoke to him this morning and told him I was on my way with the help of a friend to pick up the remainder to my things - and he was there (with bags under his eyes)
Since last speaking to him on Sunday, I had a txt message from him on Tuesday, saying hi howz work, and another one saying I miss you. This morning as i was leaving, he sent a text saying "any chance of us talking? I can't get over the length of time we have been together" to which I replied
"I can't get over how much i put up with all those years, you can keep the money you owe me - also can't get over how lonely and empty i felt even thought i had someone to share my life with"
It's 330pm now, and I think I feel okay, I think I'm gonna be okay, (still a little scared of relationships) and I think i did the right thing.
It wasn't an easy thing to do, but there is no turning back, because If I carry on with him I will end up Bankrupt and Mentally messed up, and dumped in the end
I believe in the path I have chosen, and I don't think without taking that first step to discuss my problem anonymously on this forum and help of friends, I would have had the courage to leave.
Some relationship issues aren't easy to discuss with people who know you in real life - and everyone here has been really really amazing.
I appreciate that you were frank and told me the facts, lol, that kerry katona bit did open my eyes!! and a bit oucch!!!
Thank you all so much and I am smilling right now...........

Aruna

DVardysShadow wrote: »

A bit Off Topic here.

This thread was started on 10 Jan as being a question of how OP could get her £1600 back off her ex. A little over 2 weeks later, it turns to rape and it gets uglier by the day.

I am gobsmacked at how quickly this has turned - [but note that some were warning OP to make an exit plan almost from the start] . Now for the sake of general education, does this kind of situation often turn this exceedingly nasty this quickly?[/QUOTE]


Blue - At that time I had already made the decision to exit, the advice here was very usefel


Green - It takes being in it to understand it does, but in my case it was nasty way before I posted. A man who believes it is his right to have whatever he wants from a woman will get nastier quicker the more his demands are not met.

:j I left him, no regrets,