Now What Would You Do In This Position?

paddy's_mum

I think the man has the most colossal nerve but it all ties in with his cruel lack of backbone and moral fibre in the past, doesn't it?

However, I also think that you need to be setting aside your own feelings and thinking a little more deeply about what your children might need.

Is there a case for you to separate your quarrels with him and put all the wrongs he did you into a separate compartment as it were and encourage them to have at least basic contact with him? I suggest this not for his sake but for the advantage of your still relatively young children since it is highly likely that as they come to maturity, they'll want to find out about him in any case.

They wouldn't be human if all the previous questions, which you had no way on this earth to answer (the swine!) didn't come tumbling into their minds. Perhaps you should now make it clear to them that their choice is just that and that they will not make you angry if they decide to respond to and continue contact. If nothing else, they have to know that by seeking him out, they will not jeopardise your love for them.

It will be hard for you not to use this opening as an opportunity to finally get all that he owes you but there may be a pay-off for you that no amount of money on earth can ever buy. If he discovers that these are wonderful children - what credit can he take for that, since he did very little except sire them? The pride and the glory are all yours - the fact that your children's first reaction was to protect you is testament to all you did for them.

You should be proud of yourself and pity him for he has lost time and things that he can never, ever replace! :A

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

And what's to say that, after they get their hopes up for a relationship, he decides that having his kids able to see his posts or photos is too much information for them and 'unfriends' them, blocking them from seeing anything?

Setting up an identical dummy account with a friend request and blocking him from seeing real account would work fine. He's just as likely going to do the same if he hasn't already.

SallyUK

Thank you for this Paddy's Mum.

I have always said to them that if they ever want to contact him then it's entirely their choice, I wouldn't ever stop them from doing that.

I'm quite sure you're right and they must have loads of questions and wonders about what he did and where he was etc, but in all honesty they've hardly ever mentioned his name during the past 8 years.

If they get over the shock and decide that they do want to contact him again, then I'll have to face that when it comes. I'm trying hard though not to let my feelings influence their decisions (I hope! lol)

Sal
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paddy's_mum wrote: »

I think the man has the most colossal nerve but it all ties in with his cruel lack of backbone and moral fibre in the past, doesn't it?

However, I also think that you need to be setting aside your own feelings and thinking a little more deeply about what your children might need.

Is there a case for you to separate your quarrels with him and put all the wrongs he did you into a separate compartment as it were and encourage them to have at least basic contact with him? I suggest this not for his sake but for the advantage of your still relatively young children since it is highly likely that as they come to maturity, they'll want to find out about him in any case.

They wouldn't be human if all the previous questions, which you had no way on this earth to answer (the swine!) didn't come tumbling into their minds. Perhaps you should now make it clear to them that their choice is just that and that they will not make you angry if they decide to respond to and continue contact. If nothing else, they have to know that by seeking him out, they will not jeopardise your love for them.

It will be hard for you not to use this opening as an opportunity to finally get all that he owes you but there may be a pay-off for you that no amount of money on earth can ever buy. If he discovers that these are wonderful children - what credit can he take for that, since he did very little except sire them? The pride and the glory are all yours - the fact that your children's first reaction was to protect you is testament to all you did for them.

You should be proud of yourself and pity him for he has lost time and things that he can never, ever replace! :A

Mrs_Moc

*Louise* wrote: »

Gosh, what a shock

I;m sure you are glad the kids decided not to add him, you would be better off knowing whats going on regarding any contact when it has all been quiet for so long. (I would be concerned what he would be saying to the kids about the situation tbh)

He needs to face up to things and speak to you first, but I wouldn't recommend setting up an account in a child's name, that would lose you any moral high ground (iyswim)

(also there is the fact he has already found the kids accounts, a new one springing up and requesting him would automatically seem suspicious)

Be straight, you can send a f/r from your own account and attach a message saying the children won't add him until the two of you have spoken first, hopefully he has matured during these intervening years enough to face up to what he has done like an adult and explain himself.

Open up communication first, then see about the divorce.

I think this answer is excellent, this is what I would do.

busiscoming2

If he has sent friend requests via FB, this means he must have a FB account, have you looked at his? Is it open, can you access his friends list - anyone you know? Might be another way to gain info without using the childrens profiles? If your children are pestered by him on FB (I know you can send emails to the FB inbox without being a friend) then they can block him so they become invisible to him.

princeofpounds

The contact with the kids and the divorce are two separate issues, you will have to work hard to separate the two issues.

I think you are right to support your kids in their decisions. Didn't spot how old they were but as long as they are old enough to be aware of their choices. If they want contact, they should have it, but you should probably *suggest* that you keep involved in what communications are happening initially just so you can look after their welfare.

Then you have to consider your situation. I wouldn't do any posing as the kids to find out details, or ask them to do so. If he wants more contact (phone number, address) then you need to be aware of that anyway before letting the kids have contact. Then you are within your rights to use it to trace and serve papers.

If your kids are happy not to have contact (and facebook is hardly the 'correct' way to go about it as an absent parent!) then that's fine. I would even consider the avenue closed, unless you want to send a message from your own account.

*Very* surprised that you seem to need a national newspaper advert. With such a prolonged absence I am not sure that you are being given the correct advice here. Otherwise you would see all sorts of adverts in a paper for missing spouses, and you simply don't. Might be worth getting a refreshed/second legal opinion.

tickly1972

Unbelieveable, what a coward! Must say, what sensible and mature kids you have to alert you to this and to come to the decision they have.

Just a thought, but on their f/book accounts do they have any reference to the school they attend? Just in case he chances his luck with an impromptu visit? Obviously your address details will more than likely be hidden, but just a thought.

kindofagilr

I would deffo try and find out his address from this.

He should be paying you CSA.

ameliarate

First of all well done for not trying to influence you kids not to contact their father. I am amazed at the number of women who use their kids as pawns.

I don't use FB but I would have thought it certainly worth contacting your solicitor to let them know about his attempt to contact your children.

It will be hard if they do decide to contact him after all this time, for you and for them I would imagine, but if they do I would be careful not to "pump" them for information even if you find it difficult.

Good luck.

SallyUK

Hello Everyone

Thanks again for all the replies and helpful advice.

Busiscoming2 - I've had a look, but it says just his name and the name of his employer, not the place of his employment - I'm pretty sure he's still working abroad though as the company name is still the same as it was in 2002. I don't recognise any of the names on his friends' list at all.

Tickly1972 - they don't have that sort of information on their accounts, I've made sure they have the correct privacy settings now etc, thanks though for the suggestion.

Kindofagilr - The CSA would never get involved due to the fact that he was working in the Middle East and it was outwith their juridsiction.

Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to post a reply.

Sal
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