just found out hubby having affair

blackpongo1

sorry guys havent been about in a few days but i have been engulfed in rage and anger kids went to aunts house for tea on saturday at request of him i agreed as this was day for our big talk well on sunday mr jekyl came out of his house demanding to see kids there and then, my eldest daughter made a statement to this aunt that she doesnt have a daddy wow i am worst in the world because i apparently have told her this (aunts and grannys and dads intereptation) because no 7yr old could think this. I have never spoke ill of him even after what he has done to me and kids and especially in front of kids i'm angry. Wheni asked my daughter about same she said this is how she feels what can i say or do?
OMG I hope it doesnt turn nasty

Mrs_Moc

(((hugs))) bp

Michelin

Don't let it turn nasty for the sake of the kids. Maybe they are picking up on a lot more than you think and it is always difficult when other family members have their say. It is hard for you too as you are bound to be sad in front on them, it's only human so don't dwell too much in what his family are saying.

What is more important is for you to decide what you want to do about the situation with your husband. You had your meeting and it did make you angry which is an entirely normal reaction but you do need to decide what to do next. Forget what his family are saying, just keep in moving forward with what you want to do.

Pollycat

Blackpongo
I hope it doesn't turn nasty too.

Is he really angry with you?

7 year old children aren't stupid, they understand a lot more than we think, she's probably feeling abandoned by her Dad.
Maybe she just meant something like 'My Daddy doesn't live with us anymore'.

Just hang in there and try to ride out this storm.

fabforty

blackpongo1 wrote: »

sorry guys havent been about in a few days but i have been engulfed in rage and anger kids went to aunts house for tea on saturday at request of him i agreed as this was day for our big talk well on sunday mr jekyl came out of his house demanding to see kids there and then, my eldest daughter made a statement to this aunt that she doesnt have a daddy wow i am worst in the world because i apparently have told her this (aunts and grannys and dads intereptation) because no 7yr old could think this. I have never spoke ill of him even after what he has done to me and kids and especially in front of kids i'm angry. Wheni asked my daughter about same she said this is how she feels what can i say or do?
OMG I hope it doesnt turn nasty

BP - You're doing fine. Your daughters remarks are nothing to worry about and can be handled relatively easy. You and OH need to explain the situation to her. If you have done this already, then you need to do it again because she doesn't appear to understand.

Children have a very simplistic view of the world and they define relationships by what they see/what they have always known.
At 7 years old, your daughter does not understand the biological relationship between her and her father. As far as she is concerned 'a daddy' is the man who lives in the house with mummy and does all of the things that OH did when he was at home. She no doubt knows other children who come from one parent families, where the father is nowhere in sight and who also say that they don't have a dad - your daughter will relate to her. Until/unless it is explained to her, she can't possibly understand that her situation is different. Her statement was probably also her way of asking the question 'do I still have a daddy?' That was OH cue to reassure her and tell her that he was still her father.

Secondly, the reaction of OH and his family to a such a simple comment, are nothing more than deflection and avoidance. For his family it far easier to direct their anger towards you, even though logic dictates that they should be angry with him - after all, he's the one that caused this mess. Likewise for OH, he can (even just for a short time) deflect attention away from his wrongdoing. Now he's the victim and your the bad guy.
And while he's doing the angry husband routine, it means that he can avoid the relationship talks that he knows he needs to have. He can avoid/postpone making a decision.

Once you and OH have explained things to your daughter, she'll be fine and you can continue to move forward.

blackpongo1

oh guys what can i say this is turning so nasty my ex husband has turned into a monster .Recieved a ltter today fro his solictor demanding he have kids every week end and 1 nite during week so when i worked it out he would have them 70 odd hrs and i would 16 he sems to forgt that we as in me and kids are the injured party here not him i've just recieved a text from him do i need food and his reply was so do I its just laughable any advice to get me through next few days until i see my solicitor would greatly accepted /
also turned of kids sky channls today and i have text and emailed him why as the kids are the innicent party here i feel i never knew this man at all

Michelin

Blackpongo, so sorry to hear this. Situations like this are just so difficult and your emotions go through so many different stages.

When you say he wants them every week, is that over the weekend or during the week - it's not clear from what you have said. I know it is hard but please try and keep this between you and him and not the kids. They need to see their dad - this is not their fault - and I know how easy it is to take it out on him with them but please try not to. You do need to negotiate the time they spend with him and the time they spend with you, but please just do what is right by them.

The state of your marriage and what you want to do about it is between you and him my love - please try and make it as easy for them as possible. I do know how you are feeling about him seeing them but please, try and keep your feelings away from the access question. Get it sorted to your satisfaction though.

Take care xx

roses

Sorry to hear about your pain . But please stop texting him, even when he texts you or does things like cancel the Sky. He is doing it to get a reaction from you. If you stay silent he will eventually stop harassing you. From now on, only talk to him via letter through your solicitor.

blackpongo1

thanks roses i have done this the last 2 days yesterday i recieved 3 emails igored them all today i recieved 2 texts ad the last one was to see how i am how does he think why wasnt he that concerned when we where together kids have 3hr visit tomorrow this will be good but i'm going to leave the kids with dignity last week i was petrefied this week i couldnt care about him what adifference a week makes

melly407

Blackpongo, let me just say how much i admire your strength in all this.
I found out about my husband cheating on me last Feb, kicked him out, but me being so weak, let him back, and thats where i am today, his behaviour has got worse, (he's not cheating, but she is one in a group of ppl he hangs around in at work! he cant understand why i have got a problem with this!)
I bet you felt devistaed when you found out, you want to know everything, but when you do find out bits, you get that heavy feeling in your chest, you feel bereaved in a sense? i could be talking total rubbish, im just going on how i felt. I wanted things to work between us, but i know things will never be the same, he has destroyed a part of me/us, that will never return. i wish i was a strong as you and didnt let him back.
I dont have any solutions for you, only really wanted to say, i know how you feel, stay strong and remember the ball is in your court regarding the children. i also have 3 kids, 7yrs, 5yrs and 1yrs. i find that throwing all my attention in to them gets me through each day. We dont argue/fight, we just do our own thing. and yet deep down, i still love him, but little by little i can see the rest of my life without him.
Maybe oneday i will be as strong as you.
Take care, im always here to chat if you need to.
mel xx