just found out hubby having affair

Pollycat

Hi Blackpongo
I'm glad to hear that the meeting between your OH and the kids went well.

The news that he's staying with his mate and not this other woman is (IMHO) in your favour (assuming you want to get back with him).

I hope the meeting between you both today goes well.
I'll be thinking of you.

blackpongo1

guys i dont know how it went im so confused yet again its unbelieveable he answered all my questions but i alredy knew most of the answers oh god idont know what to think what to do for the best for all concerned im hurting so much now even more than before

fletch3163

Poor you. You'll have let your defences down a bit to enable you to talk to him, hence why you're hurting. Wee love.

When you arranged the meeting what were you hoping? You'd change your mind and want him back/to stay away? How were you with each other? Hostile or friendly?

blackpongo1

i can honestly tell you when we met up today the reception with neither friendly nor hostile it was a matter of it had to be done but over the course of the afternoon it went from me wanting to rip his clothes off no need to explain stabbing him feeling sorry for him and just wanting to put my arms around and tell him it was going to be alright.
But what i will take away from today is that i realise just how much he hurt me , made a fool for myself infront of kids have done nothing but cry which in turn has upset them oh god what have i done to deserve this

Michelin

This meeting was bound to be difficult BP - and emotional too. You probably need some time to think about what was said and then you may need to meet up again and you may have some more questions or want to talk some more.

He has hurt you but you do love him. Do you want to try and make this work? Did he say what he wanted - does he was another chance?

thorsoak

As Michelin says, this meeting was going to be hard, however hard both of you tried.

There are a few points that you need to look at before you plan any further:

1. Has he stopped the affair?

2. Is he sorry, does he want to come back and make it up to you?

3. Do you want him back?

If the answer to these three questions is yes - then the path ahead is not going to be easy for either of you - but if it really is what both of you want, your marriage could still work. It will take a long time before you can regain the trust thatyou had in him, but in time, things might be good again.

If the answer to any of the above questions is NO, then again, its not going to be easy - but if you are going to break, do it quickly, it will in the long term, be less painful for you.

blackpongo1

just to let u all know how i feel the morning after the afternoon before i'm so angry words cant even begin to describe it do i want him back yesterday i would have said yes today i dont know i feel sick at the thought of all this but i'm sure this feeling will go away in time as everyone keeps telling me time is a grear healer i've promised the kids i wont cry any more and today is the start of our new lives easier said than done

Pollycat

Blackpongo
I think Thorsoak has said it all in the post above re the answers to the 3 questions.

Do you know the answers yet?
Until you know whether the affair has finished and that he wants to try again, you can't move forward - either together or separately.

fabforty

blackpongo1 wrote: »

guys i dont know how it went im so confused yet again its unbelieveable he answered all my questions but i alredy knew most of the answers oh god idont know what to think what to do for the best for all concerned im hurting so much now even more than before

blackpongo1 wrote: »

guys i dont know how it went im so confused yet again its unbelieveable he answered all my questions but i alredy knew most of the answers oh god idont know what to think what to do for the best for all concerned im hurting so much now even more than before

BP, I'm pleased to see that you have started a new thread - I really hope that this one stays on topic.

I understand that you are keen to resolve the situation between you and OH, and I know that what I say next will be diffiuclt to do, but can I suggest that you slow down on trying to 'fix' it. The analogy that I usually use with clients (for the benefit of MSErs who missed my posts on the original thread - I am a counsellor, specialising in couples counselling and family mediation) - in your situation is 'dieting'. We spend months or years slowly gaining weight, but then go on a diet and expect to lose it all in a week. Your relationship took months/years to get to where it was (before your husbands affair), and although it was destroyed in a very short period of time, it is going to take a long time to rebuild it. It's hard but you need to be patient.

I quoted your post above because it is actually very enlightening. You are still confused about where you stand, and the reason for this is that although you asked questions, you didn't ask the right ones. You said yourself that you already knew the answers. I suspect that you have not asked the right questions, because you are not yet ready to hear/deal with the answers. This is not a criticism - it's entirely understandable - it's also very common. Other posters have commented on the fact that he is not staying with the other woman, and see this as a positive thing. From my experience, and correct me if I'm wrong, this makes it harder for you not easier. If he had left to live with the other woman, at least you would know the reason that he is not with you. As things stand, he is not with her, but he is not at home with you and the kids either.

One of the reasons that I advised you to ensure that OH sees the kids regularly, but that you keep these visits separate from your 'relationship talks', is to give you time to think about what has happened and what you want. You need to do this separate from OH, and you need to do it before you start discussing where you go from here. I know that you still love him, but the question is 'do you want him back?' It's a different issue and people often confuse the two. There are things that you will need to know, before you can answer this question for yourself. As a counsellor I can't/won't tell clients what to do, but as this is a slightly different medium I will make a suggestion. One question that you need to ask (if you haven't already) and which he needs to answer truthfully is 'why did you leave?' He hasn't gone to be with the other woman, so there must be something else and the affair was probably just a catalyst or symptom. The second question that he needs to answer is 'is he still seeing/contacting this other woman - in any capacity whatsoever?' The answers may be painful, he will probably avoid answering but you can't make a decision about whether it's worth trying to repair the marraige until you know why he walked away from it in the first place.

Try to keep 'love' out of it at this stage - unless one or both of you realises/admits that you are no longer in love with the other, in which case it becomes relevant. I know that might sound illogical, but the fact is that you can love someone but still cheat on them, abuse them, or not want to be married to them.

So my advice FWIW, is ensure that the visits with the children continue. But as far as your relationship goes, take your time thinking about what you want - do you want him back, can you trust him again, can he rebuild that trust etc? Once you have a clearer idea of what you want, and you are ready to hear the answers, you will be able to ask the really difficult questions. But don't think for one minute that you haven't made progress, because you clearly have.

Steel_2

Fabforty - that's excellent advice.

I remember being in a bad relationship with someone and having the jolt of realisation that it was possible to love them, but not want to continue a relationship with them because they were not good for me.

I never did get answers to the questions I asked of him. I know he witheld the answers to try and keep me interested in him and talking to him. Eventually I cut all contact with him.