Death of a friend

kate1976

Jill_ wrote: »

We actually did have a snowball fight (I listend to you Sue), I laughted so hard as we tried making a snowman, I'm trying to warm up now, All of a sudden I feel happier (I know thats bad) almost as if he is with me, and I want to celebrate his life with things we used to do together.

When I can get my head round it I will finish the airfix model he was completing before he died and complete the journeys we said we would do together and carry something that ment alot to him so its like he is there. I've looked on his facebook page and he has had 10 sorry to see you go messages from work Colleagues, I'm planning on writing a small thank you letter to the people that come I was surprised his postman come actually. I really didnt think post personell made friends with the people on their route.

It is not bad that you're feeling happier at all so don't feel guilty, just feel how you want to feel, you will have up and down moments so don't beat yourself up about how you are feeling, do what is right for you and just embrace the happier moments!

You're doing fantastic, you may not feel it but you really are and your friend would be oh so proud of you!

I used to chat to my postman (before he left) and he was fab, in fact I know a few postmen/women and they're always friendly and chatty to people on their rounds!

Jill_ wrote: »

Tonight I want to do what we would usually do on a wednesday night together, Eat McDonalds and watch Fawlty towers. However doing all this I do feel a tad insensitive.

Again, you're not insensitive, you're doing what you want to do so please stop the guilt trip on yourself, you've had a massive shock but you will get through it! Enjoy your night and remember there are no rights and wrongs when it comes to grief so just take your time and do what you feel is right! Take care.

Savvy_Sue

Jill_ wrote: »

We actually did have a snowball fight (I listend to you Sue), I laughted so hard as we tried making a snowman, I'm trying to warm up now, All of a sudden I feel happier (I know thats bad) almost as if he is with me, and I want to celebrate his life with things we used to do together.

I am so glad to hear this, but it is NOT bad to feel happier. It is absolutely fine to acknowledge that feeling happier gives you mixed feelings!

Jill_ wrote: »

When I can get my head round it I will finish the airfix model he was completing before he died and complete the journeys we said we would do together and carry something that ment alot to him so its like he is there. I've looked on his facebook page and he has had 10 sorry to see you go messages from work Colleagues, I'm planning on writing a small thank you letter to the people that come I was surprised his postman come actually. I really didnt think post personell made friends with the people on their route.

Finishing that model sounds like a great idea, and planning some journeys sounds good too, but please don't let that stop you doing things you wouldn't have done with him, or hadn't thought of doing with him.

Jill_ wrote: »

Tonight I want to do what we would usually do on a wednesday night together, Eat McDonalds and watch Fawlty towers. However doing all this I do feel a tad insensitive.

Again, this is NOT insensitive! It's doing things you enjoy, and isn't that what he would have wanted? Plus, if being miserable would bring him back, then there might be some point to it, but it won't, so take a deep breath and hold onto those FACTS I mentioned earlier.

Can I say something about guilt? DH says that there is no point in hanging on to guilt. If you feel guilty about something, then work out if it's because you've done something wrong. If you have, and you can do something about that, do it - and ditch the guilt. If you have, but you can't do anything about it, ditch the guilt. If you haven't done anything wrong, ditch the guilt. I think he talks a lot of sense. And that's as someone who could feel guilty for England!

Now, you've done nothing to feel guilty about. I know you FEEL that you could and should have done more, but feeling guilty isn't going to help. You've already told him you're sorry and you can carry on doing that, but ditch the guilt!

snapping_crocodile wrote: »

and most importantly look after yourself and EAT!!

We have a theme going here, don't we? :rotfl::rotfl:

Jill__2

Hi

Thanks for the comments

I've got take out Got Mcdonalds and having a good night As for the trips, We had planned a trip to Paris and New York, So I will do them and I've got trips with the girls planned. I'll always remember him.

One thing I do regret is I wish I was more than friends with him.

Savvy_Sue

Jill_ wrote: »

One thing I do regret is I wish I was more than friends with him.

Yup, I think we get that.

Acknowledge that feeling. But please don't do a Miss Havisham on us and sit around distraught. And don't think you can't ever be with anyone else because you'd be being unfaithful to him.

You may not believe me, but the way you're feeling now is probably similar to what you'll feel - if you haven't already - at the end of every significant relationship. What if this, that or the other. Well, who knows?

Have you heard the Chinese proverb "You can't stop the birds landing on your head, but you can stop them nesting there?" You won't be able to - and shouldn't expect to or worry about not being able to - stop these thoughts coming. What you can do, and I find it very helpful to do, is say "OK, that's how I feel, what's the truth? What are the facts?"

I know you're not a mum, but you've probably gathered I am, and sometimes I have felt like the worst mum in the world, and sometimes I know I have not been the best mum in the world, but the fact is, no-one could be a better mum to my boys than I am, because even if I'm not perfect I'm the only one they've got. So I hang on to that, because if I let the feelings of failure overwhelm me I'm no use to them or anyone else.

So, you don't feel you were a good enough friend to your friend, and you wish you'd been more, but you were all he asked of you when he was alive, and you're doing what he asked of you now he's dead, so that's a horrid feeling, but it's not the truth, so don't let it 'nest'.

Savvy_Sue

And go to bed, girl! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: Ready for breakfast in the morning ...

never_enough

Listen to Sue, she's talking sense (though she should be in bed too! )

Jill, grief does such strange things to you, but you're doing ok, really you are. Cut yourself some slack girl, you're going through a horrible process.
Time is a great healer, as they say, & it's true. It doesn't mean that you forget, just that you tend to remember them more with a smile on your lips than with pain or longing.
All the best.

Savvy_Sue

never_enough wrote: »

Listen to Sue, she's talking sense (though she should be in bed too! )

Well, as my Dad always used to say, "Don't do as I do, do as I tell you!"

Yes, I'm off to bed, before it gets cold once the blanket's gone off.

foreign_correspondent

- I have just seen this thread - Jill, you have amazed me - you have done so much that so many people years older could not manage - you were a lovely part of your friends life, and you have done your very best for him after his death.

You have clearly been a trustworthy, kind person, and a true friend, in a life where so many people had let him down - you couldn't stop him from passing away, but I think you made his life worth living.

Savvy_Sue

Jill, wondering how you are doing? And thinking of you.

Jill__2

Hello Everyone

Sorry I have not been back for a while, I have been busy clearing my friends flat and looking at his old memory box, He lead a really quiet life didn't have much to his name. I also took a week away and went to Cornwall to think about things and get my head round everything.

I've cleared his house and boxed all his stuff up, Although I did burst out crying when his postman handed me a card from his local church.

I still can't believe he might have known whats going to happen and not tell me

One thing I have found strange, Barclays are dealing with his estate yet they still mail him letters (and a new card) which I'll be handing into Barclays next time I pass a branch