Death of a friend

daska

Jill_ wrote: »

I don't want his stuff I want him back. If I was a good person I would have made more of an effort over christmas.

We all make mistakes. We're not bad, we're human.

Jill__2

daska wrote: »

We all make mistakes. We're not bad, we're human.

We can't forget our mistakes easily

Sagz_2

Jill_ wrote: »

We can't forget our mistakes easily

Guilt is part of the grieving process Jill, it's normal and healthy to feel bad ... it passes in time.

I hope tomorrow goes as planned, please look after yourself xxx

Savvy_Sue

Now then Jill, time for a quick talking to. Tissues at the ready ... and if I was anywhere near Manchester I'd be at the funeral tomorrow or at your door tonight! So be glad I'm not.

Your feelings are entirely normal. You regret that you didn't do x, y and z, you probably wonder whether if you HAD seen him over Christmas he might not have died, you think you should have done something to let him know how much you cared.

Acknowledge your feelings. Please, don't pretend you don't feel this way because you or anyone else thinks you shouldn't.

But at the same time, please keep a grip on the facts. They don't change the way you feel, but they are important.

1. Your friend died of heart failure. Even if you didn't know, even if he didn't know, there must have been something wrong to cause that to happen, because that's not 'normal' for someone of his age.
2. You can't change that. Maybe he knew he had a dodgy heart but never told you or anyone else, maybe he didn't know. But given the way he organised himself, I suspect he knew, because that's not 'normal' for someone of his age either. (Hands up anyone who made their first will in their 20s!)
3. So you might have chosen to act differently if you'd know he didn't have long, but your choice might not have been what he wanted. I'm now fairly sure my dad knew he wasn't going to come home from hospital before we realised it, and I know both he and my mum were not admitting to the other that they knew how ill he was, because neither wanted to worry the other.
4. Dying of heart failure is not the same as dying of a broken heart. Even if he secretly adored you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you but thought you'd never have him, that is not what killed him.
5. You are no worse a person now than you were before he died. You're like the rest of us, a mix of good and bad. You make good and bad choices, and you have to live with the consequences.

At the moment, you are all over the place, so you feel you hate work, your boss isn't being particularly understanding, and you haven't been looking after yourself (eaten anything today?)

So, take those facts, and make some choices. I hope you CHOOSE to remember your friend with love, laughter and tears tomorrow, and when you're next due back at work CHOOSE to go in with your head held high, because you CHOSE to do the right thing by your friend rather than let the bank sort it all out.

And now CHOOSE LIFE for yourself. Not a 'let's party' life, but a thoughtful, kind, helpful life, ie more of what you've already shown yourself capable.

Take thought for yourself. Don't do this 'I'm a bad person, I don't deserve to be happy again / look after myself' thing. It's not true, it's 'just' a feeling, an overwhelming feeling, but not a true thing to believe.

I don't know what would help you - I know I had to book a massage between my dad dying and his funeral. I also gave up supermarket shopping and ordered from (ssshh, don't tell anyone because I know it's not the most MSE place!) Waitrose for a few weeks). I'm also seeing a counsellor, someone whose job it is to listen to me, without judging me. I don't know what would help you, but please, find your 'thing'.

daska

Brilliant post Sue - listen to her Jill. (((HUGS)))

jackieglasgow

Hugs for tomorrow Jill. Try also to remember that no matter how sad you are that things did not turn out the way you may have wished, you knew this man and you were part of his life, and he loved you enough in some way - it doesn't matter which - that he knew you would be the one he trusted with the end of his life, and you have proven yourself more than worthy of that trust in all that you have done for him over the last two weeks.

He saw the value in your friendship, and the good in you, and once you start to heal, so will you.

I'm sure you will smile through your tears tomorrow when you remember him.

Jackie X

SUESMITH_2

good luck for tomorrow. hope the weather is kind

DX2

Jill_ wrote: »

Thank you for all your nice comments, I really don't deserve them I am a bad person I just hope tommorrow is what he imagined.

You will do him proud! and I honestly can't believe for one moment you are a bad person.

Jill__2

Hey

THanks for all your replies, I'm crying now

As for food, No I've not eaten today nor am I tired, Why if he knew what was happening did he not tell me, Why didn't he come and spend his last christmas with me and shared in our family love instead of being on his own doing airfix planes/boats. When I close my eyes I see him in his flat, I remember his flat, At christmas he never had a tree up and only had my card up on his mantle peice. When I used to ask why he never had a tree up or anything christmas-sy he would say "I only ever get anything off you theres no point." He used to love answering with "I am a man of simple pleasures, I keep my head down and get on with it".

I was told that his network wouldn't be interested in his phone back, so I been reading his old texts and he only had a thread of messages we sent to each other. I was at his flat earlier today and I bumped into his postman, Who was mortified to hear the news and told me how they used to talk and become really good friends. He asked when the funeral was and he said if I didn't mind him coming straight from work he'd like to go.

I was reading his diaries that he kept over the years, He hated the situation he was in as a child, and he said the highlight of his week was seeing me, and in the earlier years we knew each other (Before I found out he was in care) he wrote "I wish I could tell her everything, I wish I could show her where I live, but she will be like the rest of them and disown me"

I am puzzled to why he couldn't share his illness with me if he knew he had it. I could have helped, been there until the very end. I wish I could have been there when he was alive, like he was for me sitting outside my room until I talked to him.

daska

Assuming he did know that he was ill, it's not that unusual for people to keep things like this a secret to protect themselves, their friendships and their friends. If he did keep it a secret it was because he valued you.