Death of a friend

kate1976

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Jill, you know what? funerals are often horrible, and even if they're not there's likely to be one key moment which is pretty gut-wrenching - for me it was walking out of church behind Dad's coffin and being hit by the thought that last time I'd walked like that had been my wedding day when he'd been at my side on the way in, even though I didn't know until quite late whether he would be there or not (long and irrelevant story about MY dysfunctional family!) Yup, that was pretty lonely, even though my big brother was just behind me, and my DH only a step behind him. Even if I'd been hanging on to DH I would STILL have felt lonely because my daddy wasn't there! And THAT's even though I wasn't that close to him!

Of course someone else had to drive you. Of course you're upset, of course it's sad that so few people knew him well enough to come to his funeral, but that doesn't change anything about what he was like in life.

And what would you rather, 6 true friends or 600 casual acquaintances writing platitudes on Facebook? Apologies to the Facebook generation, but you get my point.

I am so glad that your parents made you eat something this morning, and I hope they'll make you eat something tonight. I know you won't feel like it, but please do it anyway.

Now, have you got enough snow out there to make a snowman? Or a hill to slide down on a tea tray with Gabrielle? Or to have a snowball fight? I am not joking here, that's what all dad's grandchildren will remember about HIS funeral, the snowball fight afterwards. You can cry and no-one will know, you can blame the cold, the snow in your eyes, and OK they will know that's not the only reason you're cyring but it won't matter.

Then come in and get warm and watch a weepy DVD and drink hot chocolate snuggled under a blanket and let your mum fuss over you. Because there are no trains from here today so I can't come and fuss over you myself!

I totally agree and couldn't put it better myself!!

There were only a handful at my friend's funeral but it didn't matter, what did matter was I was there, I said goodbye and oh my it is so hard, I won't pretend it isn't but time heals, I think of my friend every single day but I know that life has to go on for me and that's what he'd want and that's what your friend would want too! Take your time and one day you will smile again, I promise!

onetomany

sending u a big hug hunnie x

Jill__2

We actually did have a snowball fight (I listend to you Sue), I laughted so hard as we tried making a snowman, I'm trying to warm up now, All of a sudden I feel happier (I know thats bad) almost as if he is with me, and I want to celebrate his life with things we used to do together.

When I can get my head round it I will finish the airfix model he was completing before he died and complete the journeys we said we would do together and carry something that ment alot to him so its like he is there. I've looked on his facebook page and he has had 10 sorry to see you go messages from work Colleagues, I'm planning on writing a small thank you letter to the people that come I was surprised his postman come actually. I really didnt think post personell made friends with the people on their route.

Jill__2

Tonight I want to do what we would usually do on a wednesday night together, Eat McDonalds and watch Fawlty towers. However doing all this I do feel a tad insensitive.

Errata

Jill_ wrote: »

Tonight I want to do what we would usually do on a wednesday night together, Eat McDonalds and watch Fawlty towers. However doing all this I do feel a tad insensitive.

I don't think you should, there are many, many different ways of remembering someone and that sounds like a good 'un.

dinkytwostep

Hi Jill
Don't feel guilty or insensitive. Your friend's life is worth celebrating and remembering - it doesn't matter if it's by yourself or with other folk.

Triker

Hi Jill and everyone, I just wanted to say how very, very moved I've been by this thread and the support.

Maybe, just maybe, your friend had some part to play in you posting here and you receiving some support and care unreservedly....just maybe, eh? xx

Stephb1986_2

I think you should go ahead and eat McDonalds and watch Fawlty Towers as he will be with you just because you can't see him doesn't mean he isn't there.

Take care of yourself

Steph xx

candygirl

Jill have just read this thread and want to send you massive (((huggles))).You were/are a great friend, and have done all you can for him, so please don't feel guilty, although I know how hard that is as my best mate died in 1994 aged 26:(
You should feel proud of yourself, for handling this situation so maturely and calmly xx :A

snapping_crocodile

Was thinking of you today. I think you should do whatever reminds you of him tonight. Just to say that all your feelings of guilt are perfectly normal. My dad died in a similar way to your friend and I even now, 6 months later, I still think what if. I feel incredibly guilty wondering if I had tried to phone him, or gone down to see him would things have been any different, could I have changed how my lovely dad's life ended? In that respect I feel I let him down, and I think I always will. The what ifs are one of the hardest parts because, as I am slowly coming to realise, while they are so important to you in your grief, they are quite irrational to those around you. However they are all a part of the grief process. Go wherever your feelings take you, and never forget how much he loved you, and how proud he would be of you for all you have done for him. At times it feels like people around you forget that you are still grieving. You carry on doing what you need to do day to day, but inside is this incredible pain. Don't be afraid to cry and tell friends and family how you feel, and most importantly look after yourself and EAT!!