Death of a friend

patchwork_cat

Did you know the name of his social worker at all? You say that you never went to his home, but do you know where the homes are in your area?

I assume that you know which area his home was in eg what bus did he get? (I am assuming that you knew him well when he was in care ) might be worth a call to the homes in that area to see if anyone remembers him or can help you.

Ask your friends to come to the funeral too. As IMO you will need support and even if they didn't know him well, they are going for you. For example when my paternal grandmother died I was next of kin and my mum and step father went to the funeral even though my Mum had not seen my grandmother for nearly 20 years and didn't get on with her, but she went to the funeral to support me.

Jill__2

patchwork_cat wrote: »

Did you know the name of his social worker at all? You say that you never went to his home, but do you know where the homes are in your area?

I assume that you know which area his home was in eg what bus did he get? (I am assuming that you knew him well when he was in care ) might be worth a call to the homes in that area to see if anyone remembers him or can help you.

Ask your friends to come to the funeral too. As IMO you will need support and even if they didn't know him well, they are going for you. For example when my paternal grandmother died I was next of kin and my mum and step father went to the funeral even though my Mum had not seen my grandmother for nearly 20 years and didn't get on with her, but she went to the funeral to support me.

If I asked, they would say no (A few have said they wouldn't come as they don't understand what I'm doing all this and I must be crazy) I'll be fine, I've been fine upto now, No ones helped me (except you guys) here such as my friends. Gabrielle has been helpful but again she doesn't understand why I'm doing this, I love him to bits its hard to explain why I am doing it.

I have an idea of the area he was cared for in. I've looked and it seems there were a few care homes in that area. (North west of the town, he moved to the south, Where I was living) However, I'm only guessing here I'm not 100%

Errata

Jill - if we've helped you then I'm very glad you found us. Take care.

Jill__2

Errata wrote: »

Jill - if we've helped you then I'm very glad you found us. Take care.

Thanks but I think my friends getting sick of watching the same movie haha

never_enough

If you're really keen to contact people then I think a call to someone at Social Services might put you in the right direction. They can at least tell you who to call next, although it could be a long & circular route. As a previous poster pointed out the data protection act can be a good & bad thing. It will stop them giving YOU information, about homes your friend was in for example, it doesn't however stop you from giving them any. It's not really good doing that kind of thing by phone, much better in a letter, but in the circumstances it's better than nothing. You can at the very least pass on the funeral details & hope that someone in the right dept at social services will pass them on. Don't fret too much about it though. If you could get in touch with the social workers someone might still be there that knew him, very likely at the home too as he was so young.
As for your friends not understanding why you're doing this, don't worry, they don't need to. You know why you are & that's what's important. It would be nice if they supported you, but don't be too dissappointed if they don't. One might hope that in the spirit of true friendship they would be there for you, whatever their feelings on the subject, but sometimes the people closest to us don't understand things that we see as so very obvious & simple. I feel very sad for your loss, which is horrid, but always seems worse at this time of year, but also comforted that people like you still exist. It gives me great hope that not everybody is totally selfish & self obsessed.

Savvy_Sue

Another thought, if you know what school he attended, you could get in touch with them and ask if they are able to help pass details on to any homes he lived in. They may not be able to tell you anything, but again, it doesn't stop them passing information on.

If you don't know what school he went to, then a letter to all the secondary schools that side of town might be a possibility? I think they'll be back on Monday, I know ours are. Something along the lines of

Dear headteacher, I am trying to contact any staff who may have known my friend John Smith, who sadly died just before Christmas aged 22. I understand that he was not in contact with his family, and grew up in care homes, but I do not know the circumstances.

If John was a pupil at your school, I would be grateful if you would pass these details to any staff who might wish to attend, or to any care homes where he was living at the time, if these are still open.

The funeral will be held on day date at time, at venue.

I would be most grateful for your support.

Yours sincerely

Jill Friend

But please don't feel this is something you HAVE to do. Do think about whether you'll feel worse if you do it, and there are no results, than if you don't do it. If your friend had wanted to keep these links open, he could have done, and you have to consider that he may have had very unhappy experiences which he didn't want to remember.

Also it's possible your friend was in a string of foster homes rather than actual care homes, and tracking them down could be much more difficult.

Well, off to bed now, having watched the fireworks on TV. Much warmer than going out!

Jill__2

Good Morning all

Thanks for all your messages, As for the school we went to the same school (he was in the year above me) and from his childhood, He really only kept in touch with the ICT and electronic teachers (Who he had in his phone book) they are the only people he kept in touch from his childhood.

As for new years eve, My friend come round and we turned it into a celebration of his life, (ended up watching our favourite fim and tv show haha) first time in a while I cried at midnight

Savvy_Sue

In that case, you could ask those teachers if THEY think there might be any value in seeing if people he lived with would want to come, or you could leave it. Your friend made his choices, you don't have to try and work out if he would want you to do different now.

And there is nothing wrong with crying at midnight on NYE, and you will carry on finding yourself crying at the strangest times and for the strangest things, and perhaps for the rest of your life.

And you know what? There is NOTHING wrong with that. It's called grief, and the only 'wrong' thing to do is pretend you feel other than the way you do, just because you or other people think you 'shouldn't' feel that way, especially not 'after all this time', or any garbage like that.

onetomany

think of you jill x

patchwork_cat

Can I ask why your friends find it difficult to understand why you are mourning him and organising all for him?

As I said earlier your friends going to the funeral are going to support YOU as I said my mum couldn't stand her ex MIL, and my step father barely met her (if ever) yet they attended her funeral to support me.