Death of a friend

Jill__2

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Oh, and remember in the flat clearing, anything official goes to the executors, ie Barclays, to deal with. If in doubt, make a list and ask them - do they inform his GP / cancel magazine subs / get his post forwarded / cancel his passport / rehome the cat (I'm just giving an example here). If they don't, and you think it should be done, then you can do it. But if they do it, let them. They will charge, but it's their job, their responsibility, not yours.

WHo would the post be forwarded to? I don't think he ever owned a passport as we were both applying for one to go away on holiday. As for the wake, He would like a coffee somewhere or something he didn't go for pubs etc.

As for registering the death, I know the City he was born in is that enough? and his full date of birth. Do I need to know his parents information? As I don't know this information? As for rent he was all paid up till the end of january. I guess the estate wouldn't be entitled to a refund.

As for taking someone, I don't think anyone would go with me, My friends still don't understand why I am doing this.

Nixer

Sorry about your friend.

You won't need to give any info about his parents, I should think the city and date of birth would be fine. If you have his birth certificate that might be useful but don't worry if you don't. Don't worry about this - my experience of registrars is that they are very kind and helpful and they will guide you.

I believe you legally shouldn't start clearing the flat until the will has been read because everything of his belongs to his estate at the moment, and it sounds as if you have plenty of time. It would obviously be ok to take/throw away food from the fridge though. With the post I would write "return to sender, addressee deceased" on it unless it's something handwritten or personal looking.

There is quite a good book called something like "What to do when someone dies" - all about the practicalities. You can get it from places like Whsmith or most bookshops, you might have to ask for it though. Although I don't think you actually need it as it sounds like your friend was super organised and you are well on the way to arranging everything. I've just posted it up in case anyone else is reading who might need it, it's particularly useful about what to do when there's no will and you have to apply for probate and so on (not relevant in this case though).

You're doing a sterling job.

screamer

Jill, I have no advice to offer you but I wanted to say what a great person you are. I'm sat here sobbing my heart out over your situation and I know that your young friend is going to a better place because of your consideration.

I wish I could be there to hold your hand, I truly do. I hope you find the strength to get through this painful time. Your actions are an example of a truly selfless act, not selfish as you first thought. Whether you're religious or not, tonight when the bells toll, say a little prayer for him. Say everything that you'd have said to him were he sat next to you right now. It may or may not help you with the grief but you probably won't feel so guilty over something you had no control over.

My best regards to you and I shall say a prayer for you tonight when I pray for my little brother (he died last year, aged 27). BTW, I'm not religious, I just like to believe that our loved ones are looking down at us and atre helping us through the rought times!!

Take care hun, and keep us updated. Now I must go and find a tissue before OH gets back!!

poet123

You are doing an amazing job, being a true friend.

What a tragedy to die so young though, has the cause of death been established now?

I hope you dont think I am speaking out of turn, but when you are clearing his flat you may find details of his family, how do you feel about whether you would contact them to let them know about his death? It is your decision of course, but regardless of what went on between them in the past maybe it is right they are informed if at all possible.

Jill__2

poet123 wrote: »

You are doing an amazing job, being a true friend.

What a tragedy to die so young though, has the cause of death been established now?

I hope you dont think I am speaking out of turn, but when you are clearing his flat you may find details of his family, how do you feel about whether you would contact them to let them know about his death? It is your decision of course, but regardless of what went on between them in the past maybe it is right they are informed if at all possible.

I really am a bag of nerves I don't know how I am coping.

They explained to me he died of Heart Failure, which sent thoughts throughout me that he died of a broken heart being alone

As for his family, I'm not sure if he got the address he would have kept it, as I said earlier he considered them none exsistant, if I was to find the details when clearing out, what would you do? I'm not sure what to do, What would I say?

Thanks again for helping

Savvy_Sue

Nixer wrote: »

You won't need to give any info about his parents, I should think the city and date of birth would be fine. If you have his birth certificate that might be useful but don't worry if you don't. Don't worry about this - my experience of registrars is that they are very kind and helpful and they will guide you.

I agree, the registrar, the people at the hospital, the FD, the banks, they've all been nice as pie - even the Council Tax people!

One other thing to be aware of is that the registrar also deals with births, in the same building and by appointment. Weddings are usually a bit separate, but you may be sharing a waiting room with parents cooing over babies. If you're expecting that, hopefully it won't 'throw' you, but otherwise it might be a shock that you're all sad about your friend, and they're all loved up with a new born.

Nixer wrote: »

I believe you legally shouldn't start clearing the flat until the will has been read because everything of his belongs to his estate at the moment, and it sounds as if you have plenty of time. It would obviously be ok to take/throw away food from the fridge though. With the post I would write "return to sender, addressee deceased" on it unless it's something handwritten or personal looking.

Nowadays there is very rarely a formal 'reading of the will' - in fact I can see no reason for Jill not to open the envelope which wasn't addressed to her, and read what the will says, and take a photocopy without taking the pages apart! BEFORE taking it to Barclays.

Waiting until after the funeral to read it is a bit dangerous because people often put instructions in their will, eg my dad said "I wish my body to be cremated", so if we'd buried him without reading the will ...

However, it would be a good idea to talk to someone at Barclays about what to do with the flat clearing and the post, because if, for example, she found a stamp collection worth £000s in the flat, that WOULD have to be valued as part of his estate. And it may be best to have post forwarded to them so that they can deal with the official bits, but they may be OK with it being forwarded to Jill for her to deal with personal things, if she wishes to.

So Barclays MAY wish to send someone round just to check there is no priceless stamp collection, and then leave it to Jill. BTW Jill if you end up unable to face the grotty bits at the end, just tell the HA you have cleared all you can, and they will finish it off, with a skip if necessary. You don't HAVE to do more than you can cope with.

Nixer wrote: »

There is quite a good book called something like "What to do when someone dies" - all about the practicalities. You can get it from places like Whsmith or most bookshops, you might have to ask for it though. Although I don't think you actually need it as it sounds like your friend was super organised and you are well on the way to arranging everything. I've just posted it up in case anyone else is reading who might need it, it's particularly useful about what to do when there's no will and you have to apply for probate and so on (not relevant in this case though).

You can get books like that from the library too, but the Registrar will give you a leaflet / booklet which is also quite helpful.

Now, see if you can find something good to do for yourself over the weekend, like a massage or manicure or pedicure, and sniff in a ladylike way throughout if you need to.

shays_mum

Jill you are a wonderful person, sending big hugs your way x so sorry for your loss x

Savvy_Sue

Jill_ wrote: »

I really am a bag of nerves I don't know how I am coping.

They explained to me he died of Heart Failure, which sent thoughts throughout me that he died of a broken heart being alone

As for his family, I'm not sure if he got the address he would have kept it, as I said earlier he considered them none exsistant, if I was to find the details when clearing out, what would you do? I'm not sure what to do, What would I say?

Thanks again for helping

Aw Jill, he had a true friend in you, I am sure it wasn't a broken heart from being alone.

If I knew a friend considered their family non-existent because of abuse / neglect / bullying, I'd probably respect that and not tell them. However, if I didn't know I would probably ask Barclays to write and tell them (that way they don't have your address if they turn out to be horrendous) that he has died but that they are not mentioned in his will. I don't know if Barclays will do that. Worth asking.

If any of the care homes he grew up in are still open, or he was mostly cared for by an organisation like Barnardos, I might try to contact them in case there are staff who remember him and might like to attend his funeral. It's not that long since he would have left such care, so that may be a possibility.

Jill__2

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Aw Jill, he had a true friend in you, I am sure it wasn't a broken heart from being alone.

If I knew a friend considered their family non-existent because of abuse / neglect / bullying, I'd probably respect that and not tell them. However, if I didn't know I would probably ask Barclays to write and tell them (that way they don't have your address if they turn out to be horrendous) that he has died but that they are not mentioned in his will. I don't know if Barclays will do that. Worth asking.

If any of the care homes he grew up in are still open, or he was mostly cared for by an organisation like Barnardos, I might try to contact them in case there are staff who remember him and might like to attend his funeral. It's not that long since he would have left such care, so that may be a possibility.

Thanks again for all your help, I never thought about! How would I find out the information? WOuld he have papers somewhere like "leaving papers" or something? He never met or let me nar where he lived. So I wouldnt know where to start.

never_enough

Can't offer anymore help than has already been given. Just wanted to send you a big hug & say you sound like the kind of friend everyone could do with. I'm sure that your friend was well aware of what a good person you are as he obviously cared for you as much as you did for him.
Best wishes. x