Death of a friend

Errata

I think very often when someone dies, whether unexpectedly or not, those left behind can get wracked by the 'if only's' as if in someone magical way 'if only' we had done this or that the person wouldn't perhaps have died.

It's a bit like the woman whose OH is killed on his way to work who says 'if only I hadn't nagged him this morning about putting the bin out he would have been five minutes earlier to work and not been killed '
I think some degree of regret is often unavoidable and perfectly normal.

SarahMoon

I'm sorry for your loss I can't give any advice on the practicalities however don't let yourself get cut up about it, otherwise you'll get yourself ill and that'll not what your friend will want

Savvy_Sue

Jill_ wrote: »

You don't think I'm being heartless trying to get all this done?

No, not at all. In fact it would be heartless NOT to do some of the things you have done, eg Barclays aren't going to phone everyone in his phone or write to those in his address book (if he kept one).

First things first, and I speak from VERY recent experience, see if you can take someone with you to the Registrar's, just to 'hold your hand' or pass the tissues if required.

You CAN take the hospital certificates to any Registrar's office, but then they post them off to the 'right' office if that's different, and the death isn't officially 'registered' until that happens, so best to go wherever they've told you.

Before you go, does either the will or your letter have any funeral instructions? If not, give it some thought, as if your friend wants a cremation then a 'green form' is required from the registrar. If it's a burial, no 'green form' is needed.

The Registrar will give you two free certificates, one is for the undertaker to allow you to go ahead with planning a funeral, and the other is to be sent off to the DWP to make sure all benefits stop. You have to pay for any others: £3.50 each if you buy them at the time. But as far as I can see, not many people are going to want YOU to provide a death certificate, so I wouldn't get too many.

Did your friend rent his flat? And was it a private landlord or a council / housing association? Either way they're going to want it cleared ASAP, I should check with Barclays but if you are named as beneficiary they might be only too glad if you did this, however they may need to put a notional value on his 'chattels', so if he had a stamp collection worth £000s they'll need to know. But the photos and teddy bear - you go and grab 'em, girl!

Also note that you are not liable for any arrears of rent, which may have to be paid for the full notice period even though he died some time before you knew about it, just refer the landlord to Barclays as your friend's executor.

Jill_ wrote: »

As for booking in at the bank I was told I could just drop in to a Main branch (whats the difference) and someone would see me.

Around here, the various banks offer a different range of services at different branches, eg at one NatWest nearby you can basically only pay in and withdraw money by machine, they'll also talk to you about new accounts but there's no counter service, and no privacy. I would want a bit of privacy for this. But if you go into a branch where they can't deal with it, they should be able to tell you where the nearest brach which can is.

Oh, and I'd take a photocopy of the will before handing it over. Do NOT unstaple it or otherwise deface it in the process! *

Jill_ wrote: »

As for the bank cards that I have to drop in, Should I chop them up? or hand them in whole?

I would hand them over to Barclays intact, it's their responsibility to deal with this, not yours.

What I'm finding is that banks ask to see a death certificate, and then ask for details of who has responsibility for winding up the estate. As that's Barclays, other banks may not want to deal with l'il old you.

* Assuming you've read the will (and there's no reason why you shouldn't do so, even it's addressed to Barclays), and your friend has left it all to you, then it's worth having a copy so that you can ask them how long this may take to sort out (simple will, not a lot to do), and then get in touch to see how they're getting on. At regular intervals if necessary. Don't feel grasping about this, it doesn't sound as if you're going to be made for life by this, and who would your friend want to benefit from his death, you or the bank?

The_Next_Verse

I'm pretty sure I'm just being a hormonal pregnant woman, but I just wanted to say that this thread really moved me.

Jill_ , I hope that any of my friends are as good a friend as you are when I pass. You have been amazing.

I sincerely wish you well for the future, and pass on my condolences for your loss.

poppyolivia

Just wanted to say that you sound like a truelly amazing friend, and you're friend obviously thought so too! xxxxx

Jill__2

thanks for all this info!

I've booked in at the main office to register he death and I'll let them do the work, I don't have to pay for their time do I? I don't want them to be like £3.50 PLUS £20 please.

As for the flat It was rented from an association And they have said I can take up until the end of January to clear the flat. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting anything from the estate, Just would like the photos and teddy bear and anything else I will consider an extra.

I've had the funeral director round and arranged a rather simple funeral, I said that I sadly didn't think many people would be there, As out of all the people I contacted only 2 said they would come and the few others said they didn't know him that well to come. At least the people who he liked/respected are going to be there. The funeral director said that the hospital stuff I was given was enough for him to act and either before (When I go to see my friend in the funeral home) or on the day I can hand him the other required paperwork, He says that I will be given a permission to bury slip. He was also saying I should have a little wake afterwards and he could arrange something if I wanted.

Tonights going to be so awful won't feel happy. We was ment to have been doing something together.

Errata

Jill - I don't think the Registrar charges

An arranged 'wake' isn't necessary, perhaps a cup of tea back at yours for those who'd like it ? We had a grand do for my FIL back at the house, he was Irish so it was a real celebration of his life. We told jokes, sang songs he used to sing, had a few nips of his favourite whisky and said he would have thoroughly enjoyed it himself.
Funeral Directors always offer to arrange a wake and in my experience the cost bears no resemblance to what they provide, they do it to increase their profit. Sounds harsh, but unfortunately true.

Tonight will be a sad one for you, but you can make it a bit better by remembering all the good times you had with your friend. Just go with the flow.

DX2

Jill_ wrote: »

Tonights going to be so awful won't feel happy. We was ment to have been doing something together.

He is still with you Jill You will go through a thousand emotions and that won't just be tonight, but you are strong certainly the impression I have got from this thread. Remember him and the good times you had together.

Savvy_Sue

Jill_ wrote: »

I've booked in at the main office to register he death and I'll let them do the work, I don't have to pay for their time do I? I don't want them to be like £3.50 PLUS £20 please.

No, you don't pay for their time. Hopefully you'll find them all very pleasant and professional, right down to a box of tissues on the desk!

One thing to be aware of is that they will ask for some details which you might want to be prepared for, his date and place of birth, date and place of marriage if he ever did and whether there is a surviving spouse (don't think divorced counts, but not sure there!), and his National Insurance No. Not all of that appears on the death certificate, and if you don't know it, you can't supply it, but if your friend was as organised as he sounds you might be able to find what's needed.

They will ask if you have his National Health card, but that one really doesn't matter, I was told to destroy it if I found it. "No-one else will ask for it"!

You will be asked questions to establish what qualifies you to register his death, but from what you have said you are qualified. Be prepared though, because you may have to say that you found his body. That's where the friend with the tissues comes in handy.

Jill_ wrote: »

As for the flat It was rented from an association And they have said I can take up until the end of January to clear the flat. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting anything from the estate, Just would like the photos and teddy bear and anything else I will consider an extra.

That's good that you don't have to rush things, but ask whether if it's cleared sooner the estate can stop paying the rent sooner?

Jill_ wrote: »

I've had the funeral director round and arranged a rather simple funeral, I said that I sadly didn't think many people would be there, As out of all the people I contacted only 2 said they would come and the few others said they didn't know him that well to come. At least the people who he liked/respected are going to be there. The funeral director said that the hospital stuff I was given was enough for him to act and either before (When I go to see my friend in the funeral home) or on the day I can hand him the other required paperwork, He says that I will be given a permission to bury slip. He was also saying I should have a little wake afterwards and he could arrange something if I wanted.

Just be aware that when you see your friend at the funeral home, he may look even less like himself than when you first found him. You may choose to do this, but it isn't something you HAVE to do. And please, again, don't go alone.

What you do afterwards is something to think about. If there are only going to be a very few people there, and one of them is your friend's employer, he may want to nip back to work quite promptly. I'm not sure what the FD is suggesting, I would check this. You don't HAVE to do anything, but it may be lovely to chat to others who knew your friend and share what you knew with what they knew.

What you probably don't want is the local pub blaring muzak, fighting for space at the bar etc, unless your friend was often to be found in that kind of environment, which it doesn't sound as if he was!

One advantage of the fd arranging things is that it will be added to their bill, which you then pass to Barclays (as executors of his estate) to pay. You do NOT have to pay for this yourself.

Jill_ wrote: »

Tonights going to be so awful won't feel happy. We was ment to have been doing something together.

OK, but try not to be too UNhappy, please, because that's not what your friend would have wanted. I'm not saying go out to a wild party, but if you can do something you would enjoy, and which he knows you would enjoy, then do that.

Be kind to yourself.

Savvy_Sue

Oh, and remember in the flat clearing, anything official goes to the executors, ie Barclays, to deal with. If in doubt, make a list and ask them - do they inform his GP / cancel magazine subs / get his post forwarded / cancel his passport / rehome the cat (I'm just giving an example here). If they don't, and you think it should be done, then you can do it. But if they do it, let them. They will charge, but it's their job, their responsibility, not yours.